First off, before I start my usual nonsense, I would like to thank Claire for always looking out for me. Every once in a while she reaches out just to make sure that I am ok. Thank You claire

I know that my whining is getting very old but I just cannot seem to get out of this depression and just be happy with Michelle. I only get to be M part-time and I really hate the person that I am right now. I am barely keeping up at work, M has very little personal life, I am having nightmares all the time, I am always exhausted, I start crying all the time, my wife is miserable (rightly so), and on and on and on ........ Why can I not get over this stupid mood and just get on with life? All the people I associate with as M tell me that she is the "real" me and that is absolutely the right choice for me. They tell me how much better I seem whenever I am Michelle as opposed to Bob. The other day I had a DR. appt and was really upset because I wanted to be able to just drive back to work as Michelle as if everything was normal. Of course that is impossible. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it really does a lot.
I still really hate this half person that I am now. A terrible husband to my wife, my kids are not getting what they need from me and I am always miserable anyway. What good is Michelle doing for me? I was waiting to pick my daughter up at cheer last night and I started crying in the car because I realized just how different I was from all the other people sitting there waiting too. They go home and can hug/touch their spouse. They are genuinely interested in everything their kids do every day. They never seem to question "who" they really are. For me, "who" is a constant battle. My wife asked me "What happens when the kids can't call you dad any more?". They need a dad. They need somebody to be there for them emotionally to help them to grow up. I am not vary strong at all right now and they really need me. I must say that I am very happy because my kids are latching on to me again. All 3 of them have a definite emotional attachment that was lacking before. I just hope that I can keep it together long enough to survive the next year.
So this post seems to be all over the place with no real focus. Kind of like my life right now. Guess I should get back to work for while. Maybe I will post another video this Saturday before I go out.

Just another video with some random thoughts.

Well I want to talk a little bit about my hormone results. I am still on the same dose: 200mg spiro a day, 5 mg finasteride and 4mg estradiol. I am happy with my breast dev. so far. My wife admits that there is definitely a difference now. My sister saw me the other day and told me that they were really "sprouting" well. I need to stop wearing my fake breasts because the glue is causing blisters around the edges. Today I went and bought a new bra to try with my real breasts. They don't seem to make a 38A so I am trying a 36A. A little tight but it does work. I taped my breasts underneath to help pull them together and it works pretty well. There is a bit of padding but I can definitely feel it when I touch them now.
Not sure about the emotional issues really since I have been really depressed about my wife and the divorce. I have been crying a lot lately but I really think it is normal for what we are going through right now. I do find that I get pretty emotional when I watch other people but then I have always been fairly expressive when it comes to my feelings.
The one thing that is really bothering me is my strength. Holy crap do I feel weak now. I was helping my sister move some furniture this week and I really struggled. I was always relatively strong especially for my size but now I really think I know how girls feel about physical strain. I know there are a lot of strong women physically, but they must work really hard at it. It really is surprising how fast I have lost my physical strength. It has been 25 weeks on the testosterone blockers (spiro and finast) and 16 weeks on the estrogen.
The other thing that I really like is my skin. My hands are really soft now and my face is different too. I have girls at work noticing that my face is looking different. My eyes have changed a little and the skin looks pretty smooth even without electrolysis. Luckily I have a fairly light beard so it's not too bad. My face is definitely softer now and some of the lines in my forehead are smaller.
So far I am pretty happy with the results. I am going to ask if I should be upping the estrogen soon since I have heard that a lot of people are at 6 or 8 mg a day. My dr sent me for the routine blood work to check my testosterone and estrogen levels and to check for any liver problems. The only other thing that I worry about is my immune system. I seem to be having a lot of minor colds and sore throats even though I take a multivitamin every day.
My wife tells me that there is no going back now. She keeps telling me that there is no hope for us anymore since I have made so many physical changes. I really need to start looking in other places for girls that I could have a possible relationship with. There are a couple other bars where the girls hang out so I think that I will try my luck there and see it I get any girls that show some interest in me.

Sorry about the background noise. Still trying to get the video settings right.

Well I went out again tonight and had a pretty rotten time. Don't know what I expect anymore. Nobody shows any real interest in me. I am tired of being alone. I had a really hard time tonight seeing all the couples being so happy together. Nobody loves Michelle. Nobody has any feelings for Michelle. Bob has no emotional connections anymore either. My wife stated again that nothing will change between us since I have decided to be Michelle and not Bob. She has no interest in Michelle in any form. Bob has been destroyed and she does not forgive me for that. Bob is not functioning well either. My job is getting very difficult to stay focused on. What's the point of working if there is nobody to share life with. Don't even know why I bother with this silly blog anymore. Nobody has the answers because there is no way for this to work. Bob and Michelle can't both exist and I already know what happens when I try to hide Michelle. The looney bin was no help at all. It seems that neither life is worth keeping anymore.

Nothing to really talk about today. I am just sitting here alone as usual wondering about this so called "choice" that I have made to leave my wife and family in favor of this lifestyle. She is very hurt / angry / alone / scared / sad ....... Duh! my fault for doing this to us. Tonight on the way home, I got into a slight accident when some idiot changes lanes and then slams on the brakes in the pouring rain. She gets a scratch on her bumper, my hood and grill are now toast. At least $1500 worth of damage. The car I could not care less about. The really depressing thing is that I am sitting here alone with nobody to complain to. I am here, wife is at home struggling with all the activities of the 3 girls. I really have no right to hope for any sympathy from her. I just wanted to talk to her for some reason. Maybe because she is the one I talk to about everything. I feel so sick and I am starting to cry again at the thought that I am choosing to leave all that life behind. I told my sister that I don't want to get divorced as we were waiting for the club to open last Saturday. She said "can you stop being Michelle?" I said no and she said "then you have no choice in the divorce".

Why can't I choose to be Bob? Stop taking these stupid hormones. They are only making you fat. Cut your hair. Your kids can't stand it anymore. Stop obsessing about piercing your ears. You will only lose your job. Where did that person go? Who is this stupid person who gets happy when a friend says my face looks "different"? I constantly play with my hair. I obsess about the way my hands and face feel. As I sat in the shower this morning, I was pushing and pulling my parts around to make them "disappear" and I was happy with the thought of that space being flat without something to stick out. If I pull my parts far enough back and squeeze my legs together ....... look at that, a nice flat front. Dumbass, it is still there and it always will be.

I am having really bad thoughts again. My friend Angela got mad at me the other day because I told her that I was not going to survive much past the final divorce in January. This life really is just not worth living anymore. Too many things are broken and can't be fixed. My kids are miserable and I will never have a really close relationship with them. Bob has destroyed everything we had and Michelle will have no job, no family and no life at all. I was starting to feel better about things. I managed to get some sleep the last few nights and I feel better. Now today has just put me right back into the gutter. Now I am exhausted again and I don't want to go to sleep because I really don't want to face any more days.

I am really scared now. I am not a real person anymore.

Haven't posted in a while but I think that I really have something to share today. First I'll start with Tuesday. My usual day to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have my shrink appointment in the morning and then my therapist later that night. Spent 2 hours at the shrink but she told me that I am getting very comfortable in my Michelle skin and that Bob is definitely not the right choice for me. She also said that it is getting harder and harder to really see me as a male. She said that I am just a little too tall but other than that I look like a girl most of the time. Both in looks and behavior. I was a little skeptical since she is my doctor but I accepted the compliments anyway.

Now on to the mall. I went to Friendly's again for lunch and all the waitresses were really nice to me. The first one came up and said Hi hon, nice to see you again. I sat in the very first booth this time and I was facing into the restaurant. Normally I face the other way so that I can scope out any potential "issues" with people coming in. It was fairly busy but nobody paid any attention to me. That is except for the 4 year old boy facing away from me in the very next booth. His grandmother was facing me and I think that she figured me out. Maybe not but it doesn't really matter anyway. Well the boy turned around 3 or 4 times and was looking at me. He finally turned back to his grandmother and said "there's a lady behind us and she is really pretty". The grandma barely glanced back at me and simply said "yes, she is". Again, still not sure if she really had me figured out or not but at least I managed to fool a 4 year old.

Now on to the rest of the week. I got my hair done again Thursday night. She colored it and added a little more red this time. She barely trimmed it just to even up some of the layers and she also did my eyebrows more the way I wanted them. I did not really think much of it until I saw my wife the next morning and she said that my hair was much more girly now. She definitely cut it with a very feminine shape to it. So then I went out to lunch with my friend Angela from work. As we stood in the door the waitress says hello ladies right this way. During our lunch she came back 4 times and said "ladies" every time. Even after we ordered and she heard my voice. Now remember that I am in complete Bob/work mode today. It really threw me off a little. I really liked it but it felt weird since I was in Bob mode. Now on to today where I went to buy a car for my mother-in-law. We walked into the dealer and the guy was only about 10 feet away from us and asks "How are you ladies today?" He was a little embarrassed when I told him I was Bob but we both let it slide without the usual male jokes / comments. We then went to lunch after the car dealer and the hostess again says "this way ladies". The waitress then walks up and says "hello ladies" but I was on the phone and she heard my voice and then corrected herself.

It must be the hair that is different. It is the weirdest feeling. Am I offended because I am no longer male enough? Isn't this what I really want? My head is spinning right now. I want to laugh, cry and scream all at the same time.

Somebody stop the ride, I want to get off this nightmare.

Not a bad night tonight. Club was a little quiet and the people I was hoping to see did not show up. Still I was determined to have a good time no matter what and Michelle had a good time once again. (My sister went out but was too tired to really enjoy the night.)

My first post this morning seems to have gotten a few reads already. I figure nobody would see if I added more so I will just start a new post now.

So to continue on with my night last night, I had a feeling that it was going to be a bad night and I was not disappointed. It started out ok because an older friend of mine who really likes me showed up. She was with a new friend and left by 11:30. Strike 1. The other girl that kissed me a few weeks ago also showed up and she brought her girlfriend. Strike 2. The night was decent until I realized that four of the people I had talked to were suddenly gone. Strike 3, I'm out of here. I was actually back home and in bed by 1:30. Really a short night for me. This really bothers me because I always make a special effort to find my friends and say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciate their being nice to me. I got extremely depressed because it feels like nobody cares anything about Michelle. Maybe it is just the hormones that are creating all this drama but I started crying at the club. One of the other girls I knew caught me and was really nice. I couldn't really tell her what was wrong because she was having her own guy issues and was also not having a very good night. I feel so pathetic because I never go to the club "with" anybody. None of these people are real friends. How is it that I am so alone and lonely in a crowd of people?

Kind of changing the subject a bit but I found out last night that a guy has been banned from the club because of me and a couple other people last Saturday. Last week, I was outside talking with one of my friends who had brought 2 new girls with her to the club. We were with another 2 girls who are always at the club and we were all talking. Then this guy comes up and starts talking to all of us. Just silly stuff but he managed to talk to each of us within about 3 minutes. Suddenly he turns to my other friend and says "this place is crazy. You can't tell the guys from the girls. I just realized I was talking to a guy!" (me). I asked my friend Caroline if she heard it and said I was done with this guy and was leaving. She said that she would slap him for me. Well it turns out that he also starting bashing on a couple of gay people at the club and they are just as well known as I am by the people running the place. They kicked him out and told him not to come back. I was surprised because I had 3 people ask me if I was ok after last week's "encounter" with this person. They were all concerned and told not to let it bother me. To be honest, I had not given it much thought but it is really nice to know that I do have people who will stand up for me.

Maybe there really are some real friends here after all?????

So I knew that my night out was going to be crappy. I just had a really bad feeling and I was really tired even after taking a 2 hour nap. It started out bad because my wife is sick again and really expected me to stay home and take care of her. I did the grocery shopping and cleaned up the kitchen cupboards. I shuffled my daughter back and forth to her friends / volleyball / cheer-leading / friends again. Around 2 o'clock I told my wife I wanted to leave. She got really upset since I was obviously choosing a night out over her. To be fair, she really is sick. She is a very strong person and went to work all week even though she has been sick since Tuesday. She is NOT a needy and whiny person by any means. I managed to leave the house at 2:30 and she called me within 3 minutes crying and telling me that she deserved to be treated better. I didn't even bother to respond and just turned around to go back home. It was still pretty ugly when I got there. I told her to go back to bed and that I would watch the girls until 6. The conversation did not go well and she ended up calling her mother to come out to the house to help her for the night. So once again I left her laying on the couch crying. Michelle has won the battle again? I feel totally drained and can't wait to hit the bed for a little nap. On the drive home I was so upset that I just wanted to get changed right away and be Michelle for the rest of the day. That changed when I sat down on the bed and realized just how tired I was. So I set the alarm for 6 and took a nap.

Still really tired but now focusing on my transformation into Michelle. I was pretty happy with my face but my hair came out sort of funny this time. It still worked but not really happy with it. I was really looking forward to going out because I have a few friends that go out every couple weeks and they were due to make an appearance.

Here are some more pictures from last night. Not really thrilled with any of them. I tried to take some of my face but I just cannot help but look miserable.


Still a lot more to talk about but I need to get cleaned up to go back to see my kids today. I will finish this post later.

It is Sunday morning and I have things to do so I must once again take off Michelle from last night and put her away. I went out last night and wore the dress I posted here. It seems to work for the girls which is what I want. I had at least 5 girls come up to me and ask about the dress. I was happy to talk to new people again. I really liked the way I looked last night too. I like to wear makeup and I think that I am getting pretty good at it. I was dressed by 5 o'clock yesterday so I went to the store to get my prescriptions and was a little annoyed because the pharmacist called me "Bob" when I was clearly not dressed as a Bob. Granted he did not know that I prefer Michelle but I was standing right there so he really did not have to mention a name at all. I was the only one there so I would have known he was talking to me. Still he was very non judgmental. I picked up Spironolactone and Estradiol and he knew exactly what they were for especially considering I was dressed as Michelle. DUH! It was still early when I got back so I went to the grocery store for some things. Each time I could tell that I was just kind of hanging out because I am really getting comfortable being out in public as Michelle. I used to feel like the world was looking at me but now I don't care.

I WANT TO BE MICHELLE AND NOBODY ELSE IS ANY BETTER THAN ME WHERE THEY CAN JUDGE MY LIFE!!! I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE REAL ME!

Sorry for yelling but this morning I am really depressed. I have been lazy and when I get home I don't take off my face until the morning. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see Michelle in the mirror. Yes, I know that Michelle is more than just makeup but I really prefer my face that way. It really surprises me how good it still looks on the morning. It just really hurts because I like my hair this way and my face just seems right like this. I took off one half of my face this morning and it really took an effort to take off the other half.

I am also getting really nervous and near the point of no return. My boobs are definitely starting to change. They really hurt all the time and my sister said that she noticed them yesterday when I was in "bob" mode. She said that they are definitely "pointy". I am happy and scared at the same time.

I am also having a really hard time with the whole "passing" issue. To me it IS the goal. If I can't look like a girl then I will not succeed. The people at the club are a little different because they are simply more accepting to start with. I met a really gorgeous 26 year old last night: long, straight black hair, glasses and a really cool skull tattoo on her chest. What I am finding is that most of the girls I meet including these new girls last night is that they do not see me as different. I try not to talk about my "issues" because I just want to be a regular girl. Last night I said that I was a little different from the other girls and she said "I see nothing different about you at all". She really did seem to be pretty accepting and sincere about it. It was really a nice feeling.

On to another issue: hormones. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any emotionally different after a month on Estradiol. Well this week I doubled it to 4mg a day and holy crap I cry at everything. My wife just called and we got into a big emotional discussion and I just could not stop sobbing. I know she is hurting too and that is really difficult for me to accept since I am the cause.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on here with no real thought process so I guess I will just end now.

thanks for listening

I kind of like this picture. Pose is better than most. Face is just ok. Very hard for me to smile in a way that I like in pictures. Maybe I will try again on Thursday night. It really bugs me because I have been obsessing about this all day. I got almost no work done today because this is making me so unhappy.

So this is one of the BETTER pictures from last night. Not very flattering to me.

Last night I decided to try some pictures. I went through all my summer club clothes and took a total of 70 pictures. I went through them all, deleted the blurry ones, cropped out all the background and ended up with 31 pictures that I thought were ok. I am really worried about showing them with my face since I cannot stop people from copying them off the blog. I went through them last night and again today and I really don't think that I look good at all. Maybe 1 or 2 look sort of like a girl but they are mostly just a guy in a dress. I am so depressed today. Maybe I should not have doubled my estrogen last night. Maybe I am just having a rush of something that is making me really sad today. My doctor tells me that I look better and better each week and yesterday she was really complimentary. I know that I take bad pictures but I can't find even 1 from last night that I think is worth posting.

Who am I kidding? Michelle is nothing but misery for me and everyone around me.

So I just found this new "stats" section for my blog and it seems that everybody is interested in pictures since the only picture I have on this blog has the most views of any page. I must admit that pictures are the first thing I look for too. Hopefully tomorrow night I will get a chance to show off all the new outfits that I have spent a fortune on this summer. I have lots of club clothes and I can finally show off my own hair instead of a wig. My friends all tell me that I dress a little slutty and that I dress to attract men rather than women but I am still learning and developing my own style. I wear what I like and hopefully some girls out there will like it too. Who cares what the guys think. Not me! I spend hours looking for dresses and skirts that nobody at the club has. I bought 1 corset top at hot topic and sure enough one of my friends has the same top. Oh well, we just make sure we never wear it on the same night out! Like I said in an older post, I need to stop shopping for a while. I think I have enough outfits and I hope I get to show them off soon.

Well I have not posted anything in a long time and I am not really sure what to talk about so maybe just some random thoughts tonight.

Things have been really confusing lately on the emotional front. My wife and I have started the divorce process and have decided that we will make the actual filing the first week of January. We have been to a mediator and it was very difficult. I am also having a very hard time because we have absolutely no emotional connection at all.

I am very lonely and I am starting to look for attention from the girls out at the club. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but I really miss the connection to another human being on a personal level. I cannot share any of my Michelle thoughts with my wife and I am desperate for affection and friendship for Michelle. The past few weeks at the club have been very interesting. I am actually having girls that are interested in me and have actually approached me in very personal ways. This past weekend I met a really cute girl who is closer to my age. Not quite my age but better than all the 22 year olds I have met recently. Neither one of us was drunk at all so I know there was at least a little real feeling from her. She does have a girlfriend but she was very nice to me. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I was very cute and seemed like a very nice girl. Then she said "I really want to kiss you but I really like your lipstick and don't want to mess it up". I told her that it would not come off and she was suddenly very interested. "Really? are you sure? what kind is it?" Then she said "what would happen if I put my tongue in there?" and I said go ahead and find out. That was the best minute and a half I have had in a long time. I felt like a silly teenager but I did not care. She and I were attached for the rest of the night. We sat and talked, she rubbed my feet so nicely. I never really got around to asking her if she liked me for a girl or just because she knew I was a guy. She did tell me that she is bi but has a steady girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the end of the night and I asked her why she was so nice to me. I told her that most girls are fairly cautious about me. She told me I was really cute and started kissing me again. It was really nice and I liked being kissed like a girl. It was not overly aggressive and slutty at all. Just really really comfortable and soft. She told me that she only goes out once in a while and I must admit that I was devastated. I know that I probably will not see her again any time soon but at least I have the memories from last Saturday night.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to cheat on my wife. She asked me to wait at least until we file for the divorce before I get involved with anybody new. She knows that I have lots of opportunity because I go out every Saturday. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I really am all alone and I need some good friends who can help me through this transition. I am sure that there will be people out there who tell me to suck it up because this is the choice I am making.

My life is so confusing right now but I guess things are still moving forward. Today makes 5 full weeks on estrogen. I have already noticed some changes. I have another lesbian friend at the club and she is really struggling with the fact that that I still have male parts. She tells me I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I talk like a girl but I don't sound like a girl. She got all confused Saturday because she said "you have such soft skin for a guy and that just doesn't seem right". I can tell that she really wants me to be all "girl" but her head knows that there still is just enough "guy" in there to be a problem for her. She really is nice to me too. My real boobs have also been sore for a week now. Not really hurting but I definitely know when something rubs up against them.

Not much else to talk about. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I get another full day as Michelle. I have my shrink from 10 to 12, then the endocrinologist at 2 and then my my therapist at 6. Definitely lunch at Friendly's again. Still would be nice if I had someone to share lunch with but maybe sometime soon I will have some new friends outside the club.

So this Saturday I got brave and actually went out without my wig! I went to see my sister and sister-in-law to ask them if my hair would "work". They both said yes so that is how I went out. I found that if I just let it dry and pull it forward that it is really pretty curly and very feminine. A few of the people at the club did not recognize me with short hair but everybody said they really liked it better than wearing a wig. I guess that is good since everybody really likes my wig too.

On Tuesday, I get to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have 2 appointments every week. I take the day off from work and use up my vacation and personal days. I went to my therapist at 6 and she was really surprised at how I looked and she told me that I was much more natural with my own hair. I always go to see her dressed but she did a double take when I walked in this week. She knows that I have an obsession with long hair and was really happy that I was now comfortable with my own hair even though is relatively short for a girl.

I also went to the mall again and had lunch at Friendly's by myself. It would be nice if I could find some friends so that I am not always by myself as Michelle. Oh well, something I will just need to get used to doing. I know that this will be a lonely life at least for a little while.

Ok, not much else to talk about so bye for now!

Michelle is forcing her way out from under what is left of Bob. Tonight I asked my sister-in-law to trim my hair and get rid of the gray. I colored my hair for the first time in 44 years and I love it! Nothing silly, just a nice brown again that is now shiny and looks alive again. The gray was just so blah and really depressed me. She asked how much length to take off and I said NONE. Yes, I was asking the impossible but she managed to even it up so now I can scrunch it and leave it messy and it looks pretty close to a girl! I can still brush it back and get away with it for Bob. It is getting long now (my wife really hates it), just to my neck and is starting to curl out at the back. I can't wait for it to get longer. About another 2 years and it will be where I really want it. Just past my bra strap is perfect for me.

She also did my eyebrows for me again and this time I asked to make it more obvious and girly. It makes such a big difference in my whole face and it really was worth it.

I really need to stop spending money for a while too. I have bought a LOT of things the past 6 months. Right now I have 2 dresses and a pair of shoes on the way and 1 dress I got 2 weeks ago that I have not worn. I bought myself a real corset and I am so happy with it. I was afraid it would not work but it really does. I bought a size 26 when it is laced up completely closed and I can get it down to 28 inches for me, normally a fat 34 with a gut hanging out. SOMEBODY TAKE MY CREDIT CARD AWAY! I think Michelle is trying to make up for so much lost opportunity.

Ok so now on to a more serious subject. As of this Tuesday, I am officially on hormones! Yay (I think...?), Yes "Yay". Stop doubting what all the shrinks have told you and go with your heart. I have been on Spironolactone 200mg and Finasteride 5mg for almost 9 weeks now. On Tuesday, I started Estradiol 2mg. Hopefully I won't get too emotional since my depression is still very much an issue.

The other serious issue is the divorce. It still does not seem real to either of us since neither of us really wanted it to come to this. We are talking to lawyers and splitting things up. My wife is having a very difficult time and I have nothing I can offer her. Right now Michelle is a huge priority and she is devastated that she is no longer first in my life. I still love her but I really feel that she deserves to be set free.

Ok now my thoughts are kind of wandering and I don't really know how to finish so I guess I will quit for tonight.

Well, I have not posted for a while. Things are really kinda ugly right now. The week that my wife was gone seemed to be good with the kids until Sunday night when we were supposed to pick her up at the airport. On Friday, I told my kids that the entire house was a mess and that it would NOT look like that when their mother got home Sunday night. Of course Sunday came and then they were in a scramble because they refused to start earlier. Things were going well (sort of) until it got to 3:30 and there was still a pile of shoes under the kitchen table and a pile of clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I lost it and really started yelling so of course they all got really upset and later told their mother that I had been yelling at them for the entire 4 days. At least my youngest rescued me and said that it was only Sunday night when things got out of hand. Then it got worse because at 10 minutes to 4 I laid on the couch waiting for my oldest to get ready to go to the airport. Next thing I know, she is yelling at me because it is now 4:20 and I fell asleep. The plane lands at 4:37 and the airport is 25 minutes away. My wife was absolutely devastated when we were not standing there to greet her. All her friends families were there and I was 5 minutes late. That started a small argument between us and the kids got really upset again. Four good days shot to hell in the last 2 hours.

The rest of the week was ok but we had decided to tell the kids about our final decision to divorce this Sunday. That went real well (not).

Other things have changed this week too. On Wednesday I finally got a chance to tell my wife that I WOULD be starting hormones soon. The first thing she said was "I hate you". She didn't really mean it but she was just very hurt and angry. I have taken away the man that she married and she will never have that again. She is very upset that I will not cut my hair and really needs to know exactly what my plans are. The kids are embarrassed by me and she feels that I am ignoring their feelings about it. She says that I should suffer and wear a wig if I need to. Their feelings should come first but Michelle just always does whatever she wants and the rest of the family should deal with it.

So now on to the real difficulty. For whatever reason, I really want to start hormones. Not really sure what I will get from it and I am still afraid that I am just sliding down this hill instead of fixing the real issues. Both my wife and brother think that the real issue is the fact that I have never liked being "Bob". I know logically that there is nothing wrong with Bob, but there are definitely those issues there. I had a depression attack on Thursday and ended up in the private office at my meds doctor. She told me that I am definitely much more comfortable as Michelle than as Bob and that really scares me because I know it is true. I don't seem to like being the person that I am, but nobody else seems to like the person that I think I am.

So now I am depressed again and don't feel like talking anymore. Still a lot of other stuff to tell but maybe later I will feel up to it again.

Thank you Claire. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 years now. She specializes in trans and has been very helpful. I also went to a neutral therapist and right away she discovered my abandonment issues, my crappy childhood, my obsessive tendencies etc... My wife was excited because she finally thought that we could figure out the "real" issue. Believe me there are other issues at work here but it only took 4 months for this second therapist to label me as trans. Of course this was devastating for my wife. At this point, I am not looking for blame, fault or reasons.

I am just terrified that neither life can give me everything that I need.

I love my kids and my wife but Bob and Michelle can't seem to exist together. My wife insists that I am choosing Michelle over her and the life that we have built. Her therapist is constantly telling her that I have no choice being trans but I have all the choice in how I decide manage these feelings. It is completely up to me whether or not I can "put Michelle on the shelf and only take her out on occasion".

So today my wife has left for a trip to see family. She has taken the girls with her and they will be gone for 2 weeks. When they come back she is going on another short trip with one of her friends.

As of right now, when she comes back we will finalize our separation. I have told her that I am really hoping that some miracle happens and that I can let go of Michelle but we both know that is just not my reality right now. She cannot bear the agony any longer and we must "break ties" as she says. It hurts too much for her to see that Bob has completely disappeared. I think that she is right. She says that the person she married would not leave her over and over again. When did Bob die? What happened to the person who took care of his wife and kids and gave them the attention they need? I don't think that I really like Michelle anymore. I think she is a terrible person for making all this happen. Bob is even worse for letting it happen and not fighting back.

Over and over again my wife has correctly stated that I have never gone to my therapist and asked for help on returning to the family.

My youngest is having a really really hard time. She blames my wife and is taking it out on her because she is the one taking all the responsibility for the girls. I am "off doing my thing" while she is getting more and more of the backlash from my kids.

My wife thinks that our entire life has been a lie. She is afraid that I never really loved her I just needed her as a distraction from my real issues.

Right now I don't think that either Bob or Michelle is worth keeping. Maybe neither one of them ever really existed.

So I know that most of what I am doing now is very selfish. My therapist tells me that this is where I must be in order to fix myself, but my wife is having a very difficult time since it directly affects her and the kids. She understands it to a point but she had made it clear that she is very hurt and angry that Michelle is still the main focal point of my life. It has been this way for the past six years, since I told my wife and she can no longer accept the idea that she and the kids do not come first for everything. I will admit that she correctly puts the kids above all else. Kids, family, house,friends and then us. In that order, period. That is her priority. Michelle has taken way too much of my energy both emotionally and physically.

I am still extremely worried that Michelle is just a superficial and physical need rather than a truly emotional one. I know that there are a lot of really, really deep seated "feelings" that go along with the whole Michelle experience, but the physical issues are still very dominant. Even though I had 5 days almost full-time as Michelle, I really did have a hard time being comfortable as Bob since Thursday. On Friday, we took my youngest daughter to get her ears pierced. We had promised it to her for her birthday but she has been bugging us to do it early. I had a really hard time because I was extremely jealous of the other girls there and it was killing me that I could not simply focus on my daughter and her time. I have wanted to get mine done for the longest time but my wife is absolutely against it. She has actually commented that getting my ears pierced would just be the next boundary that I blow right through. It doesn't even make sense for me anyway because I always wear my hair forward and if I pull it back then my own hair shows under the wig that I love. Still, I could not help but look and wish that I could have some of the pretty things that I was seeing. I did not tell my wife my feelings because she would be really upset about my lack of attention to my daughter. But here again, I am stuck and obsessed by something physical and trivial.

I also am really worried because I am still obsessed with looking at the other pretty girls. I went out Saturday night and must admit that I was really happy with the way I looked. I am finally confident about my legs so I did not wear any stockings since I really wanted the ribbons on my new shoes to show up. I still do not "pass" perfectly, but I do not look like a guy in a dress. The club was really dead this weekend but there were 2 new girls that I had never seen before but lots of regulars at the club knew them. They absolutely fit into the Goth setting and I was absolutely devastated by the perfect, gorgeous girl image. She has beautiful long black hair, gorgeous face, simple black jeans and black t-shirt with a perfectly shaped girl body. Not real skinny and perfectly curved. I watched her talking with people and she seemed like a genuine and warm human being. Happy to talk with friends and interested in their lives. I finally got the courage and walked up to her and introduced myself. I said Hi, I'm Michelle and I really hope you don't think me too superficial but I just have to tell how gorgeous you look. She seemed genuinely appreciative and told me that I was really sweet for actually coming up to her. Now mind you, I told her this very quietly, so nobody else knew. It's not like the typical guy that walks up and says "damn you're hot" and wants to get into her pants. She said that she liked my outfit and shoes and that I looked really good too. I said I do ok and she said that I am just trying to be myself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her that I really thought she was beautiful and then I left her alone to talk with her friends. What really made me sad was the fact that she seemed to have a great girl "essence" that I will never have. Everything about her is female both inside and out.

I had a similar experience at the July 4 parade on Sunday. I took the kids and I could not help but notice all the moms with their kids and their friends. There were a lot of really attractive, middle aged women and I was jealous of their friendly interactions when the found a friend in the crowd. It was different from the men who found their friends. I noticed the different emotional context of the women compared to the men and I was really wanting to be a part of that experience. What really scares me right now is the fact that I still am paying too much attention to the other women. I am afraid that even if I get to be Michelle all the time that I will still be obsessed with the perfection that no woman can ever obtain. I told my wife that I was laying on the blanket and that I noticed that I really liked the way my legs felt because they were really smooth from going out the night before. I noticed the cute dresses that many of the girls wore and how they did their hair. She really thinks that most of the physical things may fall into a fetish category. She says that no girl actually likes to shave their legs. It really is a pain and the feeling is not really worth paying attention to. The fact that I actually mentioned it may make it a fetish.

I can honestly also say that I really don't think that I have the "essence" of a real girl. I like the pretty things and I am really emotional about a lot of things but I just don't think that anyone will ever look at me and just think "girl". Not just in the physical sense, but in the total person. Being girl is about emotional attachment, the inner sense, the feelings behind the eyes and the warmth that comes from within.

What happens if I get to be Michelle like I think that I want but I can never just "be" Michelle because I am always stuck on the physical and cannot seem to just be content within a crowd of beautiful women.

I must say that I am truly scared out of my mind!!!!

Today I am back at work as Bob after 5 days almost full-time as Michelle. Something major has changed and I am really struggling to switch back to Bob. The past few days have been really great. I got my share of funny looks but I really don't care anymore. I was extremely happy with the way I looked, being able to wear the clothes I liked, the shoes, the way I think I walk in heels. I was extremely comfortable with everything about Michelle and it just felt so much like the right way for me to be.

I went to my doctor on Wednesday and they took blood as usual. Unfortunately, this time I had a severe reaction and almost passed out. I was sick for almost 20 minutes. But all that time my doctors were asking if I was OK. The best part is that they called me by Michelle every time and I realized as I was trying not to pass out that the simple fact of hearing my own name made me extremely happy. That whole time that I was puking and staggering, I heard "Michelle are your OK yet?" "Michelle sit down." "Michelle your vitals are stable again, just give it a few minutes and you will be ok". "Michelle, drink some water." I just cannot get over how that simple thing made me so happy and made me feel like a real human being. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, you ARE real, you DO exist outside your own fantasy world. It makes me cry just thinking about it now.

This is the third time that I have gone to this doctor as Michelle, but it was the first time that I met with the new doctor that has joined as part of the study that I am in. I have seen this other doctor 3 times and we get along great and she is very nice. Now I was sitting in the room right next to the open door and she walked by a few times and glanced at me. When she finally walked into the room, I looked up at her and she said "wow, you look different". She was a little flustered and realized that she forgot to bring my chart. She walked out and came back a minute later and put my book on the table. She looked at me again and smiled. I said "Sooooo...., you said wow, is that good or bad?". She grinned again and said "well they told me up front that you were here as Michelle and I thought I was ok with it." I said "and.... what does that mean?" She said "well you really surprised me because I wasn't expecting a pretty girl. Your makeup is better than a lot of girls and your eyes have such happy colors." By the way, I got my eyebrows waxed and it made a huge difference. Not quite a perfect girl brow, but definitely not a boring guy brow. I wore the purple/pink/magenta combination that I absolutely love to use. A pretty girl? Is she just being nice? I really think she was genuine. I could barely contain myself and told her that I would share anything she wanted to know.

She was extremely interested in everything about trans since she said that her culture does not accept it all. She was genuinely interested in the things that I am dealing with and was extremely nice to talk with.

So here I am, faced with the reality that Michelle can actually thrive and be very happy. Now how do I destroy 4 other people and the life that I have built as Bob?

I feel like throwing up and crying. I don't want to hurt the people I love but I really don't think that Michelle can be contained any longer.

One of us has to go and I am scared to death about it.

So the month of July is do or die for Michelle.

Anyway, I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday "off". Only 3 phone calls from work today - woo hoo. So I went out Saturday night and I bought yet another outfit from lip service. It is a short gunmetal grey vinyl dress with a little nurse cross on the shoulders. I get the XXL to fit my shoulders but then the bottom is not as form fitting as the dress is designed to be. It still looks fabulous. 3 girls at the club loved it and asked about it. I also got a new pair if 6" patent heels with a ribbon that ties across the top of the foot and then up around the ankle. I could not believe how easy it was to walk in them. My other shoes are 5" so not really a big difference. My feet were killing by the end of the night but it was SOOOOOOO worth it. I got home at 5 am.

Now it is Sunday and I got up around noon. The first thing I did was get fully dressed again. I called my brother who was producing another band on Sunday night. I asked if he needed any help or if I could just go to the show. Well I went as Michelle and wore my white shorts and a really cute purple/pink striped t-shirt. As luck would have it, the guy that he asked to work the door bailed. So guess who sat at the door collecting money and handing out tickets: Michelle!!! It was a really bad turnout. Only 26 people came to the show but it was really cool to be just a girl working for the show. And not just hiding in the dark with the stage hands but right out with EVERYBODY. I got some funny looks and a few of my friends from the club came too. By the way, this is NOT the same club that I go to on Saturday. This is more of a mainstream club with all different music and a different crowd but still Michelle was alive and well and had a great time.

Now on to today: Monday. I woke up around 5 am again and decided to throw in my laundry. Only 2 loads so not bad. The first thing I did again today was get fully dressed. Today I am on a mission. The flat sandals that I wore to the show last night actually cut 2 of my toes. So my goal was new shoes. I have been drooling over a $65 pair of red sandals on Zappos but just can't afford that for 1 pair. I almost did it. I actually had them in my shopping cart but then common sense won over.

Ok back to the mission: 1 new pair of flat shoes that I can work in, 1 pair of sandals that are pretty, 1 white camisole to wear under the new shirts that I bought, another of the striped t-shirts in green or blue, some underwear, a t-strap bra and then maybe some jewelry.

First stop: Kohl's. The flat shoes that were on the website were only up to size 8. So after about 15 minutes searching for something in size 10, I got lucky. A pair of red flats and black. 5 minutes to decide on the black. Then on the same aisle, a pair of white strappy 3" platform sandals - size 10! Another 10 minutes and I decided on both pairs in 9 1/2. I absolutely LOVE these sandals! Spent another hour searching for a camisole, bra and underwear. Underwear: 3 pairs bikini, size 7. Camisole: 1 reversible XL with lace trim. T-strap bra: no such luck unless you are a 34b - NOT. Off to the jewelry counter. Not much there but I did find a beautiful silver marcasite with a purple stone to match my other marcasite rings: awesome!

Now to pay for it all. The older lady at the register knew right away especially since I make no attempt to change my voice. She asked about my Kohl's charge and I told her I did not have it. So I handed her my license so she could look it up. She stopped for a second and almost said something but then she caught herself and said Oh that is you. Of course for some silly reason, this one time it did not work and she started calling people and the people behind were annoyed. She said I need your address, phone etc... so I said forget it and paid with another card. Success! I could not care less what any of those people thought. I not only survived but I thrived. I could not wait to change into my new shoes since I still had 1 more stop.

Off to Penney's for the striped shirt. Of course work calls so I am stuck in the car on the phone for 15 minutes. Find the shirt in the store. Really like the blue. These shirts are light at the top with horizontal stripes that fade to a darker color at the bottom. Tapered just right so the shoulder fits but stomach is not a tent. Then right next to that, a pair of really cute denim shorts: $12. Standing in line I think that the 8 year old girl was a little confused but the girl behind the counter was Ok. I am sure there was probably a comment after I left. Maybe not, who cares. Mission accomplished! But wait, I really LOVE these shoes. There must be something else to do. So I drove around the mall and went to Barnes and Noble. Wandered around for about 20 minutes. Not a single odd look anywhere! (at least that I saw). Nobody cared! I was just another girl in the crowd! I kept looking for the odd look but it just was not there. Now let's get really brave and walk through the mall. Went a little way and sat on the bench for about 10 minutes. It is 1 o'clock, I have not eaten at all today and there is Friendly's. So off I go. Ate lunch alone, the waitress was a little nervous, but again I thrived! Michelle just might be a real person after all.

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. The only thing left for today is my sister in law says she will fix my eyebrows for me. I really hate them. So off I go.

Sorry I have not posted anything lately. Work and home have been very busy the past few weeks and lots going on personally. I am in week 4 of a new clinical trial for depression. I am on Pristiq and some new mystery drug for MDD. I think that it may actually be working. My mood is improving. They take blood, weight,ecg almost every week. The new dr. is really nice. I have actually gone there twice as Michelle and her staff is very nice to me.

I have not gone out in the past few weeks because of family things. I have been obsessed with new clothes and I have more new things that I am dying to show. I have also been buying more every-day clothes since my wife and I have decided that the month of July is the final test of our separation. On August 1 I need to go home or we will formalize the separation and start to move on. Not really what I want but all our therapists tell us that my path is leading in one direction and Michelle is going to win no matter how hard I fight it.

Things are very different right now. Today I went to return 2 of the shirts that I bought yesterday. I wore my girl clothes and wore my guy sandals with my toes painted red and my hands painted dark blue. No make-up or anything else but I really felt like Michelle anyway. I got a few strange looks at McDonalds but something really cool happened at JcPennys. I went to return the shirt from yesterday and I went to the same counter in the store. There was a girl there working on some paperwork and she never stopped to look up at me. She was facing me but not quite paying attention. I was wearing a girl tank top, white with black stripes and my girl jeans. I know she saw my hands when I put the shirt on the counter. Still without looking directly at me she called to the girl behind me and said "can you come take care of her, I have to go". The other girl came around and looked at me and said nothing. She looked a little surprised but it was really a weird feeling.

Ok gotta run. I am at work

A special thank you to Claire. I tend to be fairly un-social and then I wonder why I have no friends. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate someone reaching out to me. So thank you Claire for caring enough to ask about me. It really means a lot.

I am NOT transgender! My wife and I are constantly battling because she says that I cannot accept what I am. She has no doubt that most of my issues are due to my female desires. There are other issues not related to gender, but she is certain that they have been made much worse because I have never been able to be the person that I really am. I still think that this is mostly a fetish but she insists that a fetish would not involve shaving my arms, chest and lower stomach. I still cannot get past her wanting to cut her hair either. Yes, I would give anything to have hair like hers but the fact is that I still want to be WITH a girl with long beautiful hair. It is what I REALLY like and for some strange (sick) reason that is what I am comfortable with. Long hair has a very personal meaning to me. I know it is wrong, but it is a part of me that I have never been able to change. The problem is that I really don't want to change it. I don't really care about boobs, butts or how much she weighs. Hair, face and personality: IN THAT ORDER. Now I am crying because I know how sick this really sounds. I hate being ME. My wife told me that she wants to cut off 2 inches again and I am devastated that she does not see her hair as beautiful as I do. Yes, that is wrong on so many levels and I really feel like throwing up right now. Can't somebody find a way to fix me, please??????????? I am going to a new shrink today to see what she can try for meds again. I am severely depressed and secretly wish that somebody would just shove me to the other side and MAKE me be Michelle. I am so weak as a person and I am really getting hopeless that there will be a good outcome. My wife says "just go be Michelle if that will make you happy". I really wish I could but I really am nothing without her emotionally. Don't bother to bash my wife. She has given me EVERYTHING she can and she deserves to be happy too. This is killing her just as much as me. That little fact just adds to my guilt because I know that I am the cause of most of her emotional pain. She is a wonderful, loving, loyal and devoted wife and friend and I won't even let her cut 2 inches off her hair.

Now I am crying again and I can hear my wife say "stop crying and just do whatever you need to do to fix yourself". She keeps saying that she would rather see me happier as Michelle rather than this miserable as Bob.

I don't think I can be happy as Michelle if it means giving up my wife.

It's been a few days since I posted anything but the past week has been really bad. The dis-connect from my wife is really getting to me. We have been talking a lot and I really think that she is right about me not being emotionally mature. We have both said that I have always taken care of her physically and she has always taken care of me emotionally. Right now I am struggling to survive because I really don't know who I am. She is absolutely convinced that Bob is gone forever and that a full transition is the only possible outcome for me. I joined the pinkessence site and have spent hours going through the profiles. It is really depressing because I feel that most of them really know exactly what they want. I am also really scared because I am finding so many girls that are really beautiful and it really bothers me that the only thing holding me back is the fact that I know that I will never look as good as they do. I know that is really shallow but I can't help how I feel about my physical presentation. I don't want to be a model or anything but I am crushed by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will never feel attractive. Don't bother telling me how superficial I am. I already know. That is my argument that I am NOT really a girl since a real girl would care more about the inside and the feelings. My wife gave me an article about a girl who transitioned at 26. Her main support came from her friends since her family abandoned her. I am afraid that I really don't even have girlfriends that could help me if I decide to transition. No matter what I do, it will be alone.

Today seems to be a really bad day. Not that any have been good lately. Yesterday I started to cry because I was extremely jealous of my wife. I love her hair and would give anything to have real hair like hers. She hates it because of me. I have always been a fanatic about her hair and she would love to cut it off.

Today I started to cry sitting at the gas station because I saw this absolutely gorgeous woman getting gas. She was a beautiful blond with long hair and a cute white shirt with a black vest. She looked about 40 something and definitely a mom but still drop dead gorgeous to me. I was overwhelmed with jealousy knowing that I could never be anything like her.

I miss my wife terribly but I cannot let go of the girly things that I love. I want to go home tonight and fix my toe nails. I want to get dressed and go for a walk as Michelle.

My stomach has been queasy for 2 days now because my wife says we should "talk" this weekend about what we are going to do. It has been 3 months now and she wants to resolve our separation.

All I could think of this morning was the show "Ghost Whisperer" with Jennifer Love Hewitt. At the end of every show, the ghost walks off into the distance and just disappears.

I am really to the point where I just want to disappear into the background and never show up again.

Lots of stuff going on I guess. I called my kids last night to say goodnight and all hell was breaking loose at my house. My two older girls were screaming at each other. One packed her stuff and was going to run away. My youngest was on the phone with me and trying not to cry. She keeps saying "you come home now, you not here" over and over. My family is falling apart. They are all very sad and upset including my wife who is struggling to keep things together.

She is pretty sure that the girls are struggling today because they saw us being affectionate. We hugged a few times and actually sat next to each other friday. The girls tell us that they are confused by this. I know I am being selfish but being Michelle does not change my feelings for my wife. I still want to be close to her and I know that is extremely unfair to her. I started to cry this morning as I watched her leave the house. Not sure why. I just really felt like I was letting her down because I am not helping her with the girls. I get to be off doing my own thing while she tries to juggle girl scouts, baseball, homework and doctor appointments.

Now the hard part: I was really looking forward to getting dressed tonight. I really need the practice. I wanted to last night but I was really tired and went to bed at 8:30. My wife was really annoyed that I had that luxury. She knew she would be up til at least ten with my oldest daughter. It still takes me a while, more than an hour but I wasn't really in a hurry anyway. I had no place to go and I did some laundry too. I was pretty happy with the way things turned out. My face was ok tonight. I did notice that the new eyeliner I bought was smudging below my eyes. I don't remember the old one doing that. I'll have to make sure to get the other one. I barely had it on 2 hours tonight and it started to look messy. Funny how I don't ever notice my wife having those problems. Then again she rarely uses a lot of makeup.

So my difficulty comes in the fact that I am completely comfortable being dressed and catching my reflection in the kitchen window. I cannot shake the guilt from knowing that I should be at home with my wife and girls. This life right now is such a little fantasy and it does not seem real. I don't do anything at night. Michelle does not have this great social calendar. It seems pretty pathetic to spend an hour and a half just to sit around the house for at most 2 hours. Then I scrub off Michelle and go to bed or I sit here on this silly blog for about an hour.

I am really starting to worry about work too. I honestly get about 3 hours of productive work done and then my brain is just mush. I am going to see a new shrink to try some other meds again. I think that the one I am seeing now has just given up and does not know anything else to try. When I first started seeing her, she was not really sold on the whole trans idea. She knows all about my family and really thought it was just depression. When I told her that I had moved out to try being the Michelle I think that she decided (like my therapist) that maybe my depression cannot be changed by drugs. The meds help a little but the ultimate answer lies elsewhere. They are both pushing hard toward Michelle as the obvious outcome. Obvious to everyone but me. They both say that Michelle will not fix everything but they don't see me surviving as I am now. Michelle will have all the issues that Bob has. Bob has a great life and I really hope that I can make the right choices and can be happy again some day. My wife is certain that I have been unhappy my entire life and I cannot argue against it.

So I just thought I would share a detail. Today is the anniversary of my wife and I starting to date. We have been together 27 years now and I refuse to believe that it is not the best way for me continue my life. Michelle has destroyed everything that we had and I hate her for that.

So I guess I should put myself out here. I got dressed tonight just to practice with stuff. I really hate my face. My neck and chin are all wrong. I really hate pictures of myself. I think I look ok when I move around. I notice myself in the mirrors and reflections in the windows look ok to me. I REALLY hate pictures. No matter how hard I try, I always look miserable. Taking a really big chance here since there is nothing to stop people from pulling this picture off my blog. Oh well, life already sucks, 1 picture can't do much more. Hopefully it won't fall into the wrong hands and embarrass my family.

My therapist says that I look like a girl but I really don't see it. Of course, what else is she going to say anyway.

Sorry, I chickened out and removed the picture. I can't risk my family.

Long article but it seems to fit. I cried, I laughed. Is this really me?

http://leandra.vicci.us/acceptance.htm

Ok, so this is going to be all over the place but i just have so much going on in my head that I don't know how to make any sense of it all

So is this my life now? Sitting up every night looking at blogs and hoping to find others like me? I get really depressed because I torture myself watching other trans girls on you-tube. I watch them and they are so sure of what they are and they really do seem to be like real girls. So many of them seem to "fit" into their new life. My problem is that I cannot just throw away who I have been for the last 40 years. I have 3 great kids that really need a "dad".

My therapist and my wife are both absolutely certain that my life as Bob is over. They both say that Michelle and Bob are battling to survive and that Michelle always wins. Why am I not strong enough to control these Michelle urges? My wife is pulling back all her emotions because she can't afford to hope anymore. I am absolutely devastated without any emotional connection to her. My therapist says that I have never been an independent person because my wife and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We have grown up almost as one person and now there is no "bob" to go back to without her. Even with this lack of "bob", I cannot shake the fear that Michelle is no more of a real person. And Michelle has NOTHING in terms of family, friends or any other emotional connections. How do I start a life as Michelle when I have absolutely no sense of self either as male or female? (5 years of therapy and this is where I'm at - nowhere)

I haven't slept next to my wife for almost 3 months now. Every night I turn off the light in my room and feel really stupid for being here alone instead of laying next to her. I don't mind being alone. It's not like I need someone there next to me. The problem is that it feels really wrong that SHE is not there. She keeps saying that "I left her". She did not leave even after Michelle got Bob's wedding ring stolen. Yes that's right and she will never forgive me for that. It's not that I feel guilty but it just seems like I am hurting her for all the wrong reasons. She has done everything she can to deal with Michelle. I hate myself for abandoning her and the girls.

I am going in circles again and this is just so much crap.

Ok just one more example of my pathetic obsessive tendencies. As I was driving home from work the other night, I noticed 2 women in the car behind me. First off I was jealous because I liked the way she had her hair pulled back and I could see her earrings. I never wear earrings. Then I noticed how they were just laughing and talking and seemed to be just enjoying a normal life. I realized that I would never have that level of comfort and simple satisfaction just "being" a girl. For the rest of my life, it will always be "different".

So I guess that I should give a little background. Today was a really bad day. It is Saturday and I usually stay with my kids on friday night. I moved out of my house back on january 23 and have been "living" with my sister in order to figure out what I really need from Michelle. So far I must admit that life really sucks. But the hard part is my wife of 17 years. We have been together since high school (actually 26 years now). We have grown up together and I have never been with anyone else. I told her about Michelle 6 years ago and she has tried to make it work but for her this is the end and she is very hurt and angry. I am having a very difficult time because I still need her but she says that she can't do it anymore. I am not her husband anymore. She says that I can't be that person anymore and that is the person she needs. I don't want to be this person. Being Michelle destroys everything that I have. My kids deserve a normal father and my wife deserves a real man and not an emotional basket-case. I don't fit in with my wife anymore and it is the worst feeling in the world.

Michelle brings me nothing but misery.

So I went to see my therapist on Tuesday night and I usually try to go as Michelle. I can now manage to get completely dressed with decent make-up in just under an hour. I got back to my place around 8 and I was really anxious about going for a walk as Michelle. I started taking a half hour walk every night because I really want to lose about 10 pounds and starving myself is not working. I have lost 10 pounds since November but I really want to lose another 9. I am 5'8 and would like to get to 150. Right now I am stuck at 159 and can't seem to get any lower so time for more active measures. I also feel like a slug lately because I really get no other regular exercise.

Ok, back to my walk. I decided to "man up" and take my usual walk as Michelle. My current place is in the city and not really a bad neighborhood but still a little bit scary at night. I was having a hard time because I wanted to keep up a fast pace but I also was consciously trying to walk like a girl. It is so hard to unlearn all my male traits. It was dark and I did not run into any other people on the street. I did avoid the 2 main city streets at the opposite ends of the block but I weaved back and forth between all the side streets and still had a good 30 minute walk.

I did have 2 very specific emotional / physical "a-ha" moments. The first emotion that i felt was about my hair. I must admit that I am a freak about long beautiful hair. My therapist and I both know that my obsession is a problem but it has ALWAYS been there. My own hair is nothing special so I have a few wigs that I really love. I actually only get fully dressed when I go out on Saturday and I know that it is not enough time to actually "get used to" my hair being long all the time. But on this night, I actually noticed the hair on the sides of my face as I walked and it really finally felt like a natural part of me. It just seemed right to me to push it back once in a while and I really felt like "this is me".

The second thought came near the end of my walk which is uphill. I do have fake breasts which I really love. Some people have told me that they are too big but I really like them. I use a medical adhesive so they do stay on pretty well. What I really noticed tonight was how much I enjoyed the feeling of them moving but being attached to me. They definitely moved while I walked and I really liked the thought of them being a permanent part of me.

Well unfortunately, once again these are very superficial and physical aspects of Michelle. I am really afraid that Michelle is nothing more than extreme OCD. My therapist says that there is way more to it than that but I still never feel like a normal girl. Most girls don't think twice about those things. I really wish I was like "most girls".

Well, I just have to share my weekend and get some thoughts out. I went out Saturday to the club but did not feel very good at all. I only had 2 drinks and I got really bad heartburn. I still stayed out til 3 but it was difficult to even stay awake. I almost fell asleep sitting at the bar. Pretty pathetic.

So on to Sunday. My brother is the DJ at the club and he asked me if I could help him on Sunday with a show he was promoting. He said he just needed a body to help with whatever so I said sure. I was pretty sure that he needed Bob to show up and not Michelle so I kind of managed both. I wore my girl jeans and a Daisy Fuentes t-shirt but it was a really pretty blue that nobody would really think twice about. I am pretty sure that nobody saw the Gloria Vanderbilt tags on my jeans either. The one thing that was pretty obvious was my hands. I still had the dark garnet nail polish on and I wore the rings that I really like. Most of the people there were musician types and did not really seem to care. Most of them did notice, but nobody was brave enough to ask or even cared I guess. The rest of the night was really weird because I really felt like I was getting away with being a girl even though nobody else gave me a second look. I did get a funny look from the girl behind the bar when I ordered my drinks. She saw both my hands so it was pretty obvious. Even though I was there as Bob to everyone else, I made no attempt to hide my hands or to act particularly male. Not really sure how to explain my feelings. I kind of feel like I was faking because none of the people there knew how I really wanted to be. I kept wondering what they would think if Michelle was more obvious.

Anyway, sort of like a private little fantasy. Getting away with wearing girl clothes and nobody noticed. Not what I really wanted to wear for the show but it felt really good not trying to hide.

It's 4 am and I just got home from going out. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I go there dressed as a girl, but I don't really feel like I belong with all the real girls. I have no personality and I guess I just keep hoping that maybe Michelle will somehow make some grand appearance and become a real person someday. Right now I keep watching the other girls just being girls and I am really jealous. It is just so natural for them. There is this new girl that I have seen at the club the past few weeks and I can't stop watching her dance. She is awesome. Every move she makes is just so female and I find myself trying not to cry because I know that no matter what I ever do, it will never be close to what she has.

Another girl that I met a few weeks ago actually came up to me and said hi. I felt so pathetic because it made me so happy that someone actually made an effort and approached me first. I am desperate for the slightest validation that Michelle is actually a real person. I am really scared because this validation should be coming from inside of me but instead I am crushed by the apparent lack of interest from the rest of the world. Not that I have anything really interesting to offer anybody. I can't even remember the name of the girl that said hi to me. I don't think she knows mine either but at least she did make the effort.

Nothing about Michelle is normal. Nothing good seems to come from being Michelle. It just seems like a lonely, pathetic existence waiting for the slightest approval from the outside world.

I have resisted shopping for the past few weeks because it really feels like I am wasting money buying things for Michelle. I bought a new coat and sweater a month ago because it was cold and now I am thinking that I have no summer clothes to wear. Then I argue with myself because it feels like I should get back to reality and take care of the summer things for my family. I really wanted a pair of cute shorts that are NOT guy shorts. I have to hide my feet when I am home because my toes are painted. Can I really give up this simple freedom and be happy with hairy legs and plain toes?? What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!!! I am so tired of feeling trapped by my girl feelings. These are all stupid physical things. Painting my toes and shaving my arms and legs does not make me a girl. It just seems like a very destructive fantasy.

By the way, I did find a really cute pair of shorts that are definitely not guy. They are 2 tone tan with a pattern and cute cuffs and a belt. I really like them, I just cannot bring myself to take off the tags because I really should take them back to the store.

So I reached out to a friend of mine from school because she is active in the GLTB community and I was hoping that maybe she could help me bring Michelle into the light a bit more. We talked for almost 3 hours as I told her my whole sad story. She pretty much said that my choices are already made and that I need to make the final leap across the boy / girl line. At some point you cannot be both. Well DUH...I know that I don't want to be both but changing teams at this point in my life just does not make sense to me. I am so freaking weak I can't stand it anymore! I hate being Bob but Michelle scares the hell out of me. She will not be any better than what I already have.

I have spent the first 40 something years as a miserable male but I have a great life with a beautiful wife and 3 great daughters. To sum things up, I should be a happy, healthy person with a good job, a nice house, 2 cars, well-educated and loved by a lot of people.

Well all that is true except for the happy part.

So, there you have it. Welcome to my own private hell.

Enjoy the rantings of a crazy person!