Thursday, July 7, 2011

A little clarification on the current state of me

So I got a couple of comments from my last blog and they both say that it is obvious that the whole Michelle thing is NOT working for me. While I greatly appreciate my life may seem completely irrational, the fact is that Michelle DOES work very well for me. The difficulty comes in switching back and forth all the time. I am happy as Michelle in lots of other places other than the club. While I realize that it is my one and only absolute safe place, I am totally comfortable in the real world. I really don't care about the odd looks I get because in the end I am the one who has to look in the mirror every day. The 2 or 3 second interactions that I may have with the non-believers out there are not enough to make Michelle go away.

Now the family is an entirely different matter. I still have a VERY strong connection to my wife and kids. I am struggling with the impact that I am having on them. I know that they are going to hate Michelle at first. They may never forgive me. It is this loss of connection that is driving me crazy. This is the major cause for all my wishy-washy flip-flopping feelings. If not for my family, Michelle would have been the major part of my daily life. It is just so hard now because I cannot just give up my family and walk away from all those responsibilities. Both my younger daughters play soccer now so that means being in 2 places at the same time. My wife cannot do that alone. Bob cannot just disappear because Michelle wants some face time.

This is where the real conflict lies. Both my therapists tell me that I AM Michelle. I am NOT male at my core. I am much happier and content with myself as Michelle. They tell me that this does not mean that Bob has to be killed off. This is where the real fear comes in. How do I switch gears and start living as Michelle without losing everything that Bob is? Bob has everything while Michelle has nothing except for a few good friends. People keep telling me that Michelle WILL gain all of those other things back but that it will take some time for the Bob life to adjust to Michelle.

Ok so now I'm not sure where is was going because I got interrupted by work so I guess that I will end here. Please continue to comment. I greatly appreciate and will publish any and all responses whether you agree with my decisions or not.

Love you all

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Soooooo tired of this life!

Ok, so let me start off by saying that I am really, really physically tired all the time. I don't know what is wrong with me. All my friends tell me that I sleep way too much but no matter what I always feel physically drained and exhausted. I take Trazadone to help me stay asleep and it does work. It actually makes it very difficult to wake up in the morning but without it, my body just cannot relax enough to fall asleep. Being so tired is also making it very difficult for me emotionally. I had 2 major "episodes" last week where I called my friend crying and almost suicidal. My life is a mess and I am having a hard time moving forward. I hate feeling this way. My doctors seem to think that I am past the major depression and sometimes I think they are right but then these issues keep coming up and I just cannot see how my life will ever be any better. My wife is having health problems and I feel terrible for not being there for her. We are planning to tell my girls about me in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that I am making the wrong choice. I went to Best Buy as Michelle this week and actually had 3 sales people look at me and then turn the other way. What kind of life is that? I am totally comfortable at the club as Michelle, but that simply is not the real world. I JUST WANT TO FIT IN AND BE COMFORTABLE. AYYYGGGGGGGGGGGG, I am getting so frustrated just trying to put my thoughts into this blog. What the hell am I doing. What kind of life could I possible have as Michelle. No emotional attachments. No connections with the real world. Just this little fantasy life that I have in my head. Why can I not be happy as Bob???????? Why do I love strappy sandals and purple blouses that feel so nice. Why do I like my face so much better with make-up? Why why why???? Just go away! I am sick of feeling like such a non-person. I had a very real life with a wife who loved everything about Bob and I am just throwing it all away for some stupid fantasy.

Blah, blah, blah stop flip flopping back and forth. Michelle is fighting to survive. I made this choice so just live with it and go on with your life somehow.