Sunday, April 11, 2010

Where do I fit in???

It's 4 am and I just got home from going out. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I go there dressed as a girl, but I don't really feel like I belong with all the real girls. I have no personality and I guess I just keep hoping that maybe Michelle will somehow make some grand appearance and become a real person someday. Right now I keep watching the other girls just being girls and I am really jealous. It is just so natural for them. There is this new girl that I have seen at the club the past few weeks and I can't stop watching her dance. She is awesome. Every move she makes is just so female and I find myself trying not to cry because I know that no matter what I ever do, it will never be close to what she has.

Another girl that I met a few weeks ago actually came up to me and said hi. I felt so pathetic because it made me so happy that someone actually made an effort and approached me first. I am desperate for the slightest validation that Michelle is actually a real person. I am really scared because this validation should be coming from inside of me but instead I am crushed by the apparent lack of interest from the rest of the world. Not that I have anything really interesting to offer anybody. I can't even remember the name of the girl that said hi to me. I don't think she knows mine either but at least she did make the effort.

Nothing about Michelle is normal. Nothing good seems to come from being Michelle. It just seems like a lonely, pathetic existence waiting for the slightest approval from the outside world.


Laura said...

I know what you mean. I have tried for so long to get validation of my femmien side but cant. I know that in real I am stuck in a male body but inside is a femmine spark.

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