Friday, December 30, 2011

Really pushing it at work tomorrow. Mixing girl clothes in now. Check it out.

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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Ok so I made a huge mistake talking to my daughter.....

Ok so nobody tell me what an idiot I was for suggesting that my daughter come to the club with me.  In the last video I posted I talked about her and I have since talked to my ex and we BOTH agreed that it was a stupid thing to even consider.  So Please, no comments about being a terrible parent.  Sometimes I just don't really think things through when I open my mouth.  I'm not perfect.   Actually far from it.

thanks for listening and understanding

Holy Crap!!!! I am getting away with wearing eyeliner at work!

So today I decided to really push my luck by wearing powder on my face, a maroon eyeliner and mascara.  Wow, am I getting a lot of looks today.  My friends all say it is really cool.  I went up to the front desk to say hi to my friend and the other HR girl was also there.  They both said "hi beautiful" as I walked in and then I asked them if there was any company policy that I could be violating.  They are both pretty sure that there is no such policy and told me that I look great today.  It is really hard when I go into the bathroom because I really like the way my face looks.  I really hate using the men's room too.  Oh well, I just wanted to share.  It really is great feeling to have my friends tell me that it is ok.   The odd looks from the guys are really funny too.  So far nobody has been brave enough to ask me about it except for the friends that already know about me.  I am so disappointed though because my boss is not here today.  I know that he would have lots to comment about.  

Ok well back to work.   Check out the other post I just put up too.  I talked a lot about getting my hair done last night, Christmas with my kids and talking to other people about me.

Love you all

Tuesday Night Lots to talk about

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Tuesday Night Update

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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Saturday Night. Girls can be so frustrating......

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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Saturday Night Not a good day

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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tuesday Night My kids and work

Finally got the audio right..... yay!
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Monday, December 5, 2011

Saturday Night Going out

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Sorry, audio is out of sync again...  grrrrrrr!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Tuesday night update

Sorry, audio is out of sync on the first video.
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Monday, November 21, 2011

My kids are rejecting me

My girls are really struggling lately.  They don't want to see ANY form of Michelle at all.  I made the HUGE mistake of telling them they would not have to see Michelle at any time and they are really holding me to it.  I know it was a stupid thing to promise but I said it once when we first told them back in June.  Now they are saying that they feel betrayed because I usually wear my rings all  the time and I started wearing 3 silver bracelets all the time too including at work.  My oldest daughter ended up in the emergency room this past saturday night because of her migraines.  I was already out with my sister but I told my ex that I would meet them at the hospital.  I went home, cleaned up my face and took off the nail polish that I had just put on earlier.  I stayed with my ex and my daughter until 10:30 and then I went home to pick up my middle daughter from a friends house.  They got home from the hospital around 2am.  On Sunday, my ex told me that my daughter was upset because I still had my rings and my bracelets on and she said I did not do a good job of getting the nail polish off.  And to make matters even worse, the triage nurse told me that she loved my hair which really annoyed my ex.  My ex commented on that on Sunday as well.  I also bought a new hoodie last week and my middle daughter finally saw it this morning.  It is a bright purple with black on the sleeves.  She did not approve at all.  She told me to cover it up.  They all refuse to talk directly to me.  My oldest tells my ex that I don't listen so she does not bother to talk to me.  I always do what they ask when their friends are around.  I always take off the rings and usually don't put my hair in a pony tail when I am around their friends.  I told my ex that I want to get my ears pierced and she freaked out on me saying that the kids will not accept it.  My oldest said "hell no, he's not getting his ears pierced".  My ex tells me that I should be sacrificing anything for the kids.  I am being completely selfish in everything I do.  

I know I am being a terrible parent, but it is just getting so hard to keep switching back and forth between Bob and Michelle.








Friday, October 28, 2011

Just sharing my week

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A pretty good week. Just a video update

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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tuesday night therapy and getting my hair done

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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Just a video update

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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Today seems to be a good day

For some reason today I am in a good mood. I went shopping last night and spent way too much money. First I went to Ulta and got some really expensive makeup that I really love. I also bought some new shampoo and conditioner that worked really well. I love my hair today. I went out to eat by myself at Ruby Tuesday and got the salad bar as usual. The waitress was really nice and gave me a coupon that expired that day. Then I went to Kohl's and bought more clothes for work. I bought 3 blouses and a pair of pants. I got really brave and actually went into the women's fitting room to try the pants. There was one other person there but I just waited for her to leave. The pants are a little big but I need it that way for my fat gut. I am really happy with the blouses. I bought them for work but that might be wishful thinking at this point.

Anyway, just thought that I would share a good day instead of just complaining all the time. Thanks for listening.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurry up and wait...........................

So like I said in previous posts: "what now?". The kids know about me, my boss knows about me and now my therapist tells me that I have give the kids 6 - 9 months before I show them any changes. I don't think that I can wait much longer. Panic is starting to set in. I need to make this final change-over soon. I need to know if I can make it full time as a girl. My friends tell me that I am already making it successfully but I still need to go full time. This constant limbo is driving me crazy. I have destroyed my marriage, my kids want nothing to do with Michelle and I still do not get to just BE Michelle all the time. I am tired of waiting for things to change without me being allowed to change them.

Ok enough ranting, let's try a more positive spin here. Gaby keeps telling me to stop being so miserable so I guess I should listen to her. So I decided to go back to my old hairdresser since I found out that things are not very good between my brother and his wife (she had been the one doing my hair for the past few months). I called up the girl who used to cut my hair as bob. I went to see her Tuesday night and of course I went as Michelle. I was really nervous about walking in because I knew that people would look right at me as I walked in the door. After sitting in the car for about five minutes I finally got up the nerve. As I sat there, I had two girls leave and tell me that they loved my shoes. I could hear Krista talking to her last appointment and sat there about 10 minutes. She finally came over to the waiting area and looked right at me from about ten feet away. Of course she was looking for Bob and just turned right around to go back. I called out to her and she got this really confused look on her face. She looked at me again and started to walk toward me. She got a few steps closer and her face just lit up. She said "Ohhhhh this is why you wanted to talk after all this time" She was really supportive and kept telling me how good I looked. She was surprised but she was thrilled that I went back to her again. She loved my hair with the red color and it was a really good experience overall. She told me that they have a couple other trans clients but that I looked much more natural and comfortable.
I now have an appointment with her in six weeks as Michelle. The whole experience made me really happy.

Maybe I really can survive as Michelle.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

We told the kids about me................

So things didn't go as bad as we thought they would. The girls are still not sure how to handle it but we need to give them a few days to let it sink in. My oldest is really quiet and not really talking to me. She says that this is something that will lose them their friends and they will be hurt by this. She is genuinely afraid for herself and her sisters. My middle daughter is not happy at all about it. She says she will never want to see me as Michelle. The whole idea is somehow disgusting to her. She is not really disgusted with me but she says that it is gross to her and she does not understand how anyone could try to change their gender. She is the one that scares me because I am deathly afraid that she may have some of the same feelings about being a girl. She is very much a tomboy / jock and I wonder if she just might have some of these same feelings. My youngest was the biggest shock of all. She started crying and ran off twice during our discussion. She kept crying and finally told me that she was upset because she and the girls are always telling me to cut my hair and now she feels bad about it. She also said that she is upset because "daddy can't be who he wants to be". She really surprised both of us.

Now my big question is: "what do I do now?" My wife says that things need to go slow with the girls. I am not going to force them to see me as Michelle. I am running into a wall right now. My friend at work tells me that she is sick of my issues. She says I cry all the time and I am more miserable than I was when there was no Michelle. She does not want to hear about it anymore. I guess she is right. Nothing seems to move forward and nothing changes.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

A little clarification on the current state of me

So I got a couple of comments from my last blog and they both say that it is obvious that the whole Michelle thing is NOT working for me. While I greatly appreciate my life may seem completely irrational, the fact is that Michelle DOES work very well for me. The difficulty comes in switching back and forth all the time. I am happy as Michelle in lots of other places other than the club. While I realize that it is my one and only absolute safe place, I am totally comfortable in the real world. I really don't care about the odd looks I get because in the end I am the one who has to look in the mirror every day. The 2 or 3 second interactions that I may have with the non-believers out there are not enough to make Michelle go away.

Now the family is an entirely different matter. I still have a VERY strong connection to my wife and kids. I am struggling with the impact that I am having on them. I know that they are going to hate Michelle at first. They may never forgive me. It is this loss of connection that is driving me crazy. This is the major cause for all my wishy-washy flip-flopping feelings. If not for my family, Michelle would have been the major part of my daily life. It is just so hard now because I cannot just give up my family and walk away from all those responsibilities. Both my younger daughters play soccer now so that means being in 2 places at the same time. My wife cannot do that alone. Bob cannot just disappear because Michelle wants some face time.

This is where the real conflict lies. Both my therapists tell me that I AM Michelle. I am NOT male at my core. I am much happier and content with myself as Michelle. They tell me that this does not mean that Bob has to be killed off. This is where the real fear comes in. How do I switch gears and start living as Michelle without losing everything that Bob is? Bob has everything while Michelle has nothing except for a few good friends. People keep telling me that Michelle WILL gain all of those other things back but that it will take some time for the Bob life to adjust to Michelle.

Ok so now I'm not sure where is was going because I got interrupted by work so I guess that I will end here. Please continue to comment. I greatly appreciate and will publish any and all responses whether you agree with my decisions or not.

Love you all

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Soooooo tired of this life!

Ok, so let me start off by saying that I am really, really physically tired all the time. I don't know what is wrong with me. All my friends tell me that I sleep way too much but no matter what I always feel physically drained and exhausted. I take Trazadone to help me stay asleep and it does work. It actually makes it very difficult to wake up in the morning but without it, my body just cannot relax enough to fall asleep. Being so tired is also making it very difficult for me emotionally. I had 2 major "episodes" last week where I called my friend crying and almost suicidal. My life is a mess and I am having a hard time moving forward. I hate feeling this way. My doctors seem to think that I am past the major depression and sometimes I think they are right but then these issues keep coming up and I just cannot see how my life will ever be any better. My wife is having health problems and I feel terrible for not being there for her. We are planning to tell my girls about me in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that I am making the wrong choice. I went to Best Buy as Michelle this week and actually had 3 sales people look at me and then turn the other way. What kind of life is that? I am totally comfortable at the club as Michelle, but that simply is not the real world. I JUST WANT TO FIT IN AND BE COMFORTABLE. AYYYGGGGGGGGGGGG, I am getting so frustrated just trying to put my thoughts into this blog. What the hell am I doing. What kind of life could I possible have as Michelle. No emotional attachments. No connections with the real world. Just this little fantasy life that I have in my head. Why can I not be happy as Bob???????? Why do I love strappy sandals and purple blouses that feel so nice. Why do I like my face so much better with make-up? Why why why???? Just go away! I am sick of feeling like such a non-person. I had a very real life with a wife who loved everything about Bob and I am just throwing it all away for some stupid fantasy.

Blah, blah, blah stop flip flopping back and forth. Michelle is fighting to survive. I made this choice so just live with it and go on with your life somehow.


I AM SO SICK OF THIS LIFE AND CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

One Year on Hormones!!!!!

I almost forgot to make a post about my anniversary. June 11 was 52 weeks on Estrogen. I must say that I am really happy with the changes but I really want to move up to the next step and talk to my dr about progestin to see if my boobs can get bigger. I am really happy about my skin, especially my face. I am getting away with less makeup now that my pores are almost tiny and my skin is much softer now. The hair is still going really slow but I guess I should stop letting my sister-in-law "trim" it every time I color it. She always takes too much off in some spots and I really REALLY want it to be MUCH longer.

Not much else to talk about but I would like to ask for any advice on the hormones for breast growth. Right now I am still on spiro 100mg a day, finasteride 5mg a day and estrogen at 6mg a day. No other gel or progestin yet so I really would like to know what success others have had with them.

Ok time for bed. Thanks for taking the time to read my babble.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Just some random thoughts again

It has been a while since I wrote so I think that I should share how things are going. I cannot say that things have been getting better but they are really not getting any worse either. I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Gaby and we talk for hours. I love her to death. She makes me cry, she makes me laugh and she is at times brutally honest. She really is a great friend to me right now. I really think that her honesty and no-nonsense personality have really been a reality check for me. She is helping me to just live my life as a real person rather than someone with "issues". We have dinner together, we go out to the store and we just hang out like regular girls. After all this time she still listens to the same old crap over and over again. I know it is frustrating but I hope she realizes that I appreciate her just being there for me. Letting go of my wife is an agonizing process but she really is helping me to move on. I know it is a little too slow for her liking but it IS really happening. 28 years of being together is just really hard to let go of especially when we both still love each other. Gaby usually reads my blog so I hope that she does not mind me mentioning her. She is very private person and I do not want to betray her trust in any way. All I really want to say is that we could all use our own "Gaby" to help us once in a while.

Ok on to some other thoughts. Along the lines of a "normal" life, I have to say that this week has been pretty good for me. I had a dr appt on Tuesday and I had my therapy. I went out to dinner by myself but I really felt like just another girl. I am really starting to feel like just a normal person. Not "trans", not different, not weird but just like a real human being and a normal girl most of the time. I had a good time shopping Tuesday. I am really looking for clothes that I "could" wear to work just in case it happens soon. The scary thing is that work really is looking like a possibility. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I work in IT but I am in middle management so I should be able to wear some really nice dresses to work. I can hardly wait until the day when I can wear a cute pair of sandals and I can actually carry my purse to work and leave them under my desk. Kind of a silly thought but I have told many of the girls here that I am jealous of that simple luxury. It is different for me because I pay attention to the cubicles and the girls are very different. It is very easy to tell which cubes are for the girls. Here I am again paying attention to all the silly superficial stuff but it really is the small things that I notice.

Ok, different subject. Told you this would be random thoughts......
So I follow a few different blogs and I am really amazed at the huge differences between each of them. This group has so many different ranges and emotions and struggles. I get worried when someone goes silent for a while while others seem to have something to say every day. The thought that I have right now deals with the fact that some people always seem to think that they are more trans than others. We do not fit into neat categories. I hate these sliding scales that people use to determine who is tg, ts, tv, cd or whatever. I am not looking for any sort of debate and I could care less about all those facts out there. The truth is, your definitions may not fit me. We are human beings. We are biological creatures. We have similarities but we are NOT the same no matter how you try to compare us. Some will argue this exact point in that they are X and I am Y, but the point is that there is no value to these comparisons. We all have struggles. We all have issues. I may think that my issues are unique to me but that will never give me the right to judge somebody else with regards to their issues. As I read all these blogs, I just want to take it ALL in and create my opinions and reality based on the combination of them. I cannot sit here an say that I have a favorite blogger or someone who I think is right all the time. Nobody is so smart that they can have all the answers all the time. If we are lucky, we may have an experience that is close enough so that someone else may recognize something similar in their own experience and hopefully they can gain something in the process. Hopefully the people who read my blog have realized by now that this is all that I am really hoping for with my own blog. Nothing I say is gospel. Nothing I say is any better than anybody else. This is just my own form of therapy since it allows me to talk about just about anything and everything related to Michelle.

Ok sorry about the soapbox. Kind of got away from me there. Nothing else to say so I guess I will just end here. I think that Gaby and I are going to the movies tonight. Maybe dinner and the club later for a drink.

Thanks for listening

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Tuesday Night Video

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tuesday Night

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Michelle is taking over and I think I like it??????

So I am finding that Michelle seems much more obvious to all the people around me than I had previously thought. I am actually getting called maam when out as Bob. I was at the grocery store last week wearing my Bob jacket and glasses. Had not shaved for 2 days and the girl at the register says "how are you today maam?" The guy in front and behind me both got a firm hello sir so I know that she knew the difference. I went to lunch today with my friend from work and again the waitress says "I'll go get your check ladies". We both laughed and I got a real pit in my stomach since I was definitely in Bob mode at the time. My therapist tells me that Michelle is much more than just my face and makeup. She says that I must be giving off a very female presence in order for these people to pick up on it. My entire presentation is more Michelle than Bob no matter how I am dressed.

I cannot describe the absolute terror that this creates. Michelle is more and more a full time reality and Bob is slowly fading into the background. We were at my brother's house last night to discuss living arrangements and my wife was there. I was having a very difficult time because my sister and sister-in-law kept referring to me as Michelle and "her" instead of "him" in front of my wife. She actually asked how I wanted to be addressed as M no matter how I was dressed. I could tell that this had made my wife very uncomfortable and I actually said that Donna could call me whatever she wanted. They still pushed the issue and insisted that I pick one or the other. Even though my wife was there, I said that M is always appropriate no matter what. That was very difficult for her to hear and I could see the hurt in her face.

So back to the absolute terror that this causes. I cannot help that queasy feeling in my stomach. People keep telling me that there is no going back now. I need to move on and let go of my wife and the relationship that we once had. I cannot describe the sheer joy that I felt at the thought of getting a new badge for work with Michelle instead of Bob. Yet again this causes a huge conflict since this is pushing the wife and kids farther away. My wife insists that these are all conscious choices that I am making. I know she is right but it is still very difficult to accept the fact that I am willingly destroying my wife and kids.

Sorry this is just more of the same old stuff but I really am struggling lately with this. I keep looking at my friends Facebook pages and wishing that I could just be normal and have a real life like they do. Maybe someday soon Michelle will be out completely and can be just like all the other people in the world. That would be great.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday Morning Video

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Monday, March 28, 2011

Missing Saturday Night Videos?

So the past few weekends have been a little hectic. I haven't posted a video in a couple weeks on Saturday night. Last weekend I was traveling but the week before and this past weekend I have gone out without posting any video. I have found a close circle of friends and I am visiting with them often. On Saturday nights, I go to my friend's house in the early evening and we just hang out for a while. This week it was really great to just watch a movie and then our other friend came over at 10:30 to get ready to go out. It was really great to just be one of the girls getting ready. It was also really nice because the last 2 times out I have ended up staying the night at her house since I really should not have been driving after the club. She has people stay over all the time so it was really nice to be treated like a real person and friend.

I have also had a good couple of weeks in other social circumstances. My friends took me out for my birthday last Thursday night. We went to Outback for dinner and there were 8 of us there. My sister went and so did another friend from the club. 2 new people also came that I had never met before. 2 brothers, one just back from the military. They both accepted me just fine and we had a great night. I had to use the restroom so my friend Gaby said that she would go with me. As we got to the bathroom, a mother went in with her 2 young daughters and I stopped dead in my tracks. Gaby took my hand and said that I needed to conquer this fear and act just like any other girl using the bathroom. They were all in a stall already and did not really see me come in. I waited for them to leave before I came out of the stall but then another woman came in just as I walked up to the sink. She said hi to both of us and did not give me a second look. I got the greatest sense of satisfaction as Gaby and I stood in front of the mirror and we just continued on talking. I finally felt like I was in the right place. I really hate the men's room for some reason. I still don't do anything to change my voice so I just talk a little quieter and nobody seems to pay any extra attention to me. After that restaurant we went to the Cheesecake Factory for desert. The waitress came and said "hello ladies" and never gave me a second look. This was so different from the club since this is out in the open with "normal" people. Not a dark bar with a specific clientele. Just 2 normal restaurants with a bunch of people. Now I have been going to the family diner by myself for the past few weeks but this was different because I was with a group of people just like everybody else in the place. I was not the odd person sitting by herself. I am a real person with people who enjoy being with me and are not embarrassed by me.

We also ended up at the club around 11 that night and it was not very busy. I decided that I really did not need to use the private bathroom so I went to the regular one downstairs. I also did this on Saturday night when it was very busy and nobody cared. I went in there 3 different times and it was the greatest feeling to see myself in the mirror as I came out of the stall. Again I was finally in the right place.

This is the hardest feeling and experience to describe to my friends. I know that being a girl is a lot more than just looks but they have never questioned who they are. They are boy or girl and never give it a second thought. To me, the idea of boy/girl has been a question for my entire life. It is very difficult to just "be a girl" without giving it a second thought. My friend Gaby tells me that we need to keep going out so that Michelle becomes more and more of my main personality.

Somehow I need to convey the absolute conflict that this causes. My comfort as Michelle is overwhelming. All of my friends tell me that there is no way for me to survive as Bob. They all tell me how much better I am as Michelle. I know in my heart that Michelle is the right life for me but the more that Michelle takes over the farther and farther it pushes away my wife and kids. My heart is breaking from all the pain I am causing my wife and I feel like a lousy parent because I am so wrapped up in my issues that I am not really "there" for my girls.

Ok so now we are back to "poor me" and that is not what I want this post to be about. I really wanted to convey my happiness and my successes as Michelle. It is worth the hardship and all the suffering.

Michelle will survive and will SUCCEED at being happy (eventually).

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Wife is struggling

So the last few weeks have been very difficult for me and my wife. We have managed to close off a little bit more of the emotional attachments but life is still no easier. We still see each other every day and it is difficult to maintain a strictly platonic relationship without any emotion. She says that she cannot continue on like this and needs to get on with her life. I continue to abandon her every Saturday night to go out and she feels completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of the kids. We are in the middle of another major crisis because I colored my hair again but this time I made it red like I have always wanted. She absolutely lost it saying that all the previous years I was just trying to mold her into what i wanted and never really loved her at all. (She used to have red hair because I really liked it) It was just another thing that Michelle just does without thinking about any other people. Now she is upset because we are planning a trip this weekend with her mother and she will ask all sorts of questions about my hair. (she knows nothing about Michelle) My wife is upset because I do not value her enough to inform her of all my choices. I really should have realized that she was going to be upset about it. She is really upset about me wanting my ears pierced too. I promised her that I would tell her before I do that even though it is killing me not being able to get it done. Work is also a reason for not doing it not just my wife.

I am so emotionally drained because of the constant highs and lows every day. Yesterday was my therapy day and I managed to get ready before my appointment. I was absolutely thrilled with the way I looked and I really felt great last night. My sister and I went out to dinner and I was feeling so comfortable and sure of myself. I did not want the night to end because I knew that this morning would be right back to the misery. Well it was. My wife is still very upset today and I started crying again this morning because she is so upset about our situation. It is very difficult since I know that I am the cause of all the problems.

Ok, time to switch gears. I am so tired of being negative all the time and I am sure that you are tired of reading about all my crap. I know that I am on the right path. Last night I really felt like the right version of me. I really love my hair and I really felt good about how I looked. I don't have that with Bob. Bob is blah. Michelle is alive. My friend angela still tells me that I am "on the fence" because I am having a hard time letting go of my old life. But I know in my heart that I will be full-time within this year. I will conquer work and I will get back to the very competent IT professional I was 5 years ago but it will be as Michelle.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Saturday Night Short Dress

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

So confused

Ok so I haven't complained in a while so time for some random thoughts again. I think that I am looking over the cliff but just can't seem to make that final leap. Who or what am I????? I am so confused because when I get to be Michelle, I feel totally comfortable with the way I look and feel. It always seems right to me no matter how many odd looks I get. I know that it is still the purely physical aspect of Michelle but it always feels like the right version that I want to show to the rest of the world.

I really want to talk to my oldest daughter about this but my wife is still dead set against it. I understand her reasons because of all the other issues in the family that are causing stress right now but it is getting harder and harder for me to switch back and forth all the time. I am beginning to wonder if my neighbors are noticing that I come home from work as Bob and then sometimes leave again as Michelle 20 minutes later. This weekend I went out Saturday night and had to be back home for my daughter on Sunday so I came home from the club at 3 am and left the house again as bob at 3:30 am.

We were talking Sunday and my wife asked me "are you a girl?". I said yes and she freaked out. She started crying. Told me that I had promised her 7 years ago that this was not the case. I have wasted the last 7 years of her life(since I told her). I freaked out too. What does that statement mean. My therapist tells me that I am NOT a male. There are too many emotional attachments to Michelle. It is not some sort of fetish and it IS the REAL me. If that is the case then why am I so terrified of it.

When I was at the club this weekend, I noticed there were a lot of couples and it really made me sad to think that nobody will ever want to feel close to me again. I may never find someone that can look at me as Michelle and want to be with me emotionally. And what do I have to offer anybody else? My wife tells me that Michelle is selfish and that she has lost respect for me because of the decisions I make as Michelle. "Michelle does not love Donna" and "she proves it over and over again". What kind of person is Michelle? Michelle is the kind of person who gets upset because she can't go out on Saturday night because of some other family obligation. What the hell is that all about? Nobody else has any kind of emotional attachment and from what I can tell nobody ever will. Think about all the "baggage" I bring to a relationship. Screwed up childhood, 3 young girls, a woman who has been attached at the hip for the last 28 years and oh yeah I am willing to cut off my private parts just so that it will look better in a pair of tight jeans.

There is so much that seems screwed up on the inside and I am afraid that I am spending too much time worrying about the outside. Michelle will still have "most" of the same responsibilities as bob. In reality, my wife will have most of the burden and all of the difficulties with the girls. And how will the girls react? My oldest is already being difficult because I told her that I am going to change my hair to red. She is really upset about that for some reason forgetting that she cannot stand my hair at all anyways. My youngest asked me yesterday is she could play with my "long, girly hair". My middle daughter will be VERY angry and probably won't speak to me for weeks if I tell them. I am also not sure how my brother is going to feel about his kids because I will be moving into his house in the next few weeks. He has already told me that he does not want his daughter to "find out" about me somehow and then have to keep the secret from my own girls. G is only 5 and does come downstairs once in a while. How do we explain "aunt bob" to a 5 year old? School is also a big deal for my oldest. What if this news completely screws her up for the rest of the school year?

I am also really screwed up at work right now. My brain and my heart are just not there anymore. I had a MAJOR panic attack last week because things that I thought were finally fixed at work were STILL the same old major issues. I absolutely lost all confidence in any of abilities and really collapsed inside myself. Things were so bad that my wife made me call my shrink at 9 at night because I was having a lot of bad thoughts. She put me on a new drug that stops the panic attacks somehow. How did I get here? Who is this person? Where is the very competent IT professional who could solve any issue? NOT HERE!!!! This person does not deserve to keep his job. The new guys are running circles around me skills wise. It is not hopeless because I am supposed to be moving away from the tech aspect and toward the management role instead. The problem is that I don't have any control over my own life at all so how do I control a group of 5 people?

I cry all the time now. I am freaking out a little because I think that my breasts are getting just big enough where someone will notice now. On the one hand I want them to get bigger but I also know that the bigger they get, the farther it pushes my wife away.

Holy crap, this blog is just a royal mess. My brain is just all over the place lately and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon.

Somebody stop the ride! I want to get off. I can't do this life anymore.

Saturday Night wearing Jeans

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Saturday Night outfit

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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sunday Afternoon random whining

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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Saturday Night New dress from Lip Service

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Saturday Night Going out

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tuesday Night Therapy

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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday Night Outfit

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday doctor appointments

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sunday night Hormones, happiness and telling the kids about Michelle

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Going Out Saturday Night

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