Saturday, July 24, 2010

Random whining

Thank you Claire. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 years now. She specializes in trans and has been very helpful. I also went to a neutral therapist and right away she discovered my abandonment issues, my crappy childhood, my obsessive tendencies etc... My wife was excited because she finally thought that we could figure out the "real" issue. Believe me there are other issues at work here but it only took 4 months for this second therapist to label me as trans. Of course this was devastating for my wife. At this point, I am not looking for blame, fault or reasons.

I am just terrified that neither life can give me everything that I need.

I love my kids and my wife but Bob and Michelle can't seem to exist together. My wife insists that I am choosing Michelle over her and the life that we have built. Her therapist is constantly telling her that I have no choice being trans but I have all the choice in how I decide manage these feelings. It is completely up to me whether or not I can "put Michelle on the shelf and only take her out on occasion".

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The End is near.....

So today my wife has left for a trip to see family. She has taken the girls with her and they will be gone for 2 weeks. When they come back she is going on another short trip with one of her friends.

As of right now, when she comes back we will finalize our separation. I have told her that I am really hoping that some miracle happens and that I can let go of Michelle but we both know that is just not my reality right now. She cannot bear the agony any longer and we must "break ties" as she says. It hurts too much for her to see that Bob has completely disappeared. I think that she is right. She says that the person she married would not leave her over and over again. When did Bob die? What happened to the person who took care of his wife and kids and gave them the attention they need? I don't think that I really like Michelle anymore. I think she is a terrible person for making all this happen. Bob is even worse for letting it happen and not fighting back.

Over and over again my wife has correctly stated that I have never gone to my therapist and asked for help on returning to the family.

My youngest is having a really really hard time. She blames my wife and is taking it out on her because she is the one taking all the responsibility for the girls. I am "off doing my thing" while she is getting more and more of the backlash from my kids.

My wife thinks that our entire life has been a lie. She is afraid that I never really loved her I just needed her as a distraction from my real issues.

Right now I don't think that either Bob or Michelle is worth keeping. Maybe neither one of them ever really existed.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Superficial and selfish????

So I know that most of what I am doing now is very selfish. My therapist tells me that this is where I must be in order to fix myself, but my wife is having a very difficult time since it directly affects her and the kids. She understands it to a point but she had made it clear that she is very hurt and angry that Michelle is still the main focal point of my life. It has been this way for the past six years, since I told my wife and she can no longer accept the idea that she and the kids do not come first for everything. I will admit that she correctly puts the kids above all else. Kids, family, house,friends and then us. In that order, period. That is her priority. Michelle has taken way too much of my energy both emotionally and physically.

I am still extremely worried that Michelle is just a superficial and physical need rather than a truly emotional one. I know that there are a lot of really, really deep seated "feelings" that go along with the whole Michelle experience, but the physical issues are still very dominant. Even though I had 5 days almost full-time as Michelle, I really did have a hard time being comfortable as Bob since Thursday. On Friday, we took my youngest daughter to get her ears pierced. We had promised it to her for her birthday but she has been bugging us to do it early. I had a really hard time because I was extremely jealous of the other girls there and it was killing me that I could not simply focus on my daughter and her time. I have wanted to get mine done for the longest time but my wife is absolutely against it. She has actually commented that getting my ears pierced would just be the next boundary that I blow right through. It doesn't even make sense for me anyway because I always wear my hair forward and if I pull it back then my own hair shows under the wig that I love. Still, I could not help but look and wish that I could have some of the pretty things that I was seeing. I did not tell my wife my feelings because she would be really upset about my lack of attention to my daughter. But here again, I am stuck and obsessed by something physical and trivial.

I also am really worried because I am still obsessed with looking at the other pretty girls. I went out Saturday night and must admit that I was really happy with the way I looked. I am finally confident about my legs so I did not wear any stockings since I really wanted the ribbons on my new shoes to show up. I still do not "pass" perfectly, but I do not look like a guy in a dress. The club was really dead this weekend but there were 2 new girls that I had never seen before but lots of regulars at the club knew them. They absolutely fit into the Goth setting and I was absolutely devastated by the perfect, gorgeous girl image. She has beautiful long black hair, gorgeous face, simple black jeans and black t-shirt with a perfectly shaped girl body. Not real skinny and perfectly curved. I watched her talking with people and she seemed like a genuine and warm human being. Happy to talk with friends and interested in their lives. I finally got the courage and walked up to her and introduced myself. I said Hi, I'm Michelle and I really hope you don't think me too superficial but I just have to tell how gorgeous you look. She seemed genuinely appreciative and told me that I was really sweet for actually coming up to her. Now mind you, I told her this very quietly, so nobody else knew. It's not like the typical guy that walks up and says "damn you're hot" and wants to get into her pants. She said that she liked my outfit and shoes and that I looked really good too. I said I do ok and she said that I am just trying to be myself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her that I really thought she was beautiful and then I left her alone to talk with her friends. What really made me sad was the fact that she seemed to have a great girl "essence" that I will never have. Everything about her is female both inside and out.

I had a similar experience at the July 4 parade on Sunday. I took the kids and I could not help but notice all the moms with their kids and their friends. There were a lot of really attractive, middle aged women and I was jealous of their friendly interactions when the found a friend in the crowd. It was different from the men who found their friends. I noticed the different emotional context of the women compared to the men and I was really wanting to be a part of that experience. What really scares me right now is the fact that I still am paying too much attention to the other women. I am afraid that even if I get to be Michelle all the time that I will still be obsessed with the perfection that no woman can ever obtain. I told my wife that I was laying on the blanket and that I noticed that I really liked the way my legs felt because they were really smooth from going out the night before. I noticed the cute dresses that many of the girls wore and how they did their hair. She really thinks that most of the physical things may fall into a fetish category. She says that no girl actually likes to shave their legs. It really is a pain and the feeling is not really worth paying attention to. The fact that I actually mentioned it may make it a fetish.

I can honestly also say that I really don't think that I have the "essence" of a real girl. I like the pretty things and I am really emotional about a lot of things but I just don't think that anyone will ever look at me and just think "girl". Not just in the physical sense, but in the total person. Being girl is about emotional attachment, the inner sense, the feelings behind the eyes and the warmth that comes from within.

What happens if I get to be Michelle like I think that I want but I can never just "be" Michelle because I am always stuck on the physical and cannot seem to just be content within a crowd of beautiful women.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Follow the Yellow Brick Road......

I must say that I am truly scared out of my mind!!!!

Today I am back at work as Bob after 5 days almost full-time as Michelle. Something major has changed and I am really struggling to switch back to Bob. The past few days have been really great. I got my share of funny looks but I really don't care anymore. I was extremely happy with the way I looked, being able to wear the clothes I liked, the shoes, the way I think I walk in heels. I was extremely comfortable with everything about Michelle and it just felt so much like the right way for me to be.

I went to my doctor on Wednesday and they took blood as usual. Unfortunately, this time I had a severe reaction and almost passed out. I was sick for almost 20 minutes. But all that time my doctors were asking if I was OK. The best part is that they called me by Michelle every time and I realized as I was trying not to pass out that the simple fact of hearing my own name made me extremely happy. That whole time that I was puking and staggering, I heard "Michelle are your OK yet?" "Michelle sit down." "Michelle your vitals are stable again, just give it a few minutes and you will be ok". "Michelle, drink some water." I just cannot get over how that simple thing made me so happy and made me feel like a real human being. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, you ARE real, you DO exist outside your own fantasy world. It makes me cry just thinking about it now.

This is the third time that I have gone to this doctor as Michelle, but it was the first time that I met with the new doctor that has joined as part of the study that I am in. I have seen this other doctor 3 times and we get along great and she is very nice. Now I was sitting in the room right next to the open door and she walked by a few times and glanced at me. When she finally walked into the room, I looked up at her and she said "wow, you look different". She was a little flustered and realized that she forgot to bring my chart. She walked out and came back a minute later and put my book on the table. She looked at me again and smiled. I said "Sooooo...., you said wow, is that good or bad?". She grinned again and said "well they told me up front that you were here as Michelle and I thought I was ok with it." I said "and.... what does that mean?" She said "well you really surprised me because I wasn't expecting a pretty girl. Your makeup is better than a lot of girls and your eyes have such happy colors." By the way, I got my eyebrows waxed and it made a huge difference. Not quite a perfect girl brow, but definitely not a boring guy brow. I wore the purple/pink/magenta combination that I absolutely love to use. A pretty girl? Is she just being nice? I really think she was genuine. I could barely contain myself and told her that I would share anything she wanted to know.

She was extremely interested in everything about trans since she said that her culture does not accept it all. She was genuinely interested in the things that I am dealing with and was extremely nice to talk with.

So here I am, faced with the reality that Michelle can actually thrive and be very happy. Now how do I destroy 4 other people and the life that I have built as Bob?

I feel like throwing up and crying. I don't want to hurt the people I love but I really don't think that Michelle can be contained any longer.

One of us has to go and I am scared to death about it.