Sunday, September 26, 2010

I hate switching back and forth.......

It is Sunday morning and I have things to do so I must once again take off Michelle from last night and put her away. I went out last night and wore the dress I posted here. It seems to work for the girls which is what I want. I had at least 5 girls come up to me and ask about the dress. I was happy to talk to new people again. I really liked the way I looked last night too. I like to wear makeup and I think that I am getting pretty good at it. I was dressed by 5 o'clock yesterday so I went to the store to get my prescriptions and was a little annoyed because the pharmacist called me "Bob" when I was clearly not dressed as a Bob. Granted he did not know that I prefer Michelle but I was standing right there so he really did not have to mention a name at all. I was the only one there so I would have known he was talking to me. Still he was very non judgmental. I picked up Spironolactone and Estradiol and he knew exactly what they were for especially considering I was dressed as Michelle. DUH! It was still early when I got back so I went to the grocery store for some things. Each time I could tell that I was just kind of hanging out because I am really getting comfortable being out in public as Michelle. I used to feel like the world was looking at me but now I don't care.


Sorry for yelling but this morning I am really depressed. I have been lazy and when I get home I don't take off my face until the morning. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see Michelle in the mirror. Yes, I know that Michelle is more than just makeup but I really prefer my face that way. It really surprises me how good it still looks on the morning. It just really hurts because I like my hair this way and my face just seems right like this. I took off one half of my face this morning and it really took an effort to take off the other half.

I am also getting really nervous and near the point of no return. My boobs are definitely starting to change. They really hurt all the time and my sister said that she noticed them yesterday when I was in "bob" mode. She said that they are definitely "pointy". I am happy and scared at the same time.

I am also having a really hard time with the whole "passing" issue. To me it IS the goal. If I can't look like a girl then I will not succeed. The people at the club are a little different because they are simply more accepting to start with. I met a really gorgeous 26 year old last night: long, straight black hair, glasses and a really cool skull tattoo on her chest.
What I am finding is that most of the girls I meet including these new girls last night is that they do not see me as different. I try not to talk about my "issues" because I just want to be a regular girl. Last night I said that I was a little different from the other girls and she said "I see nothing different about you at all". She really did seem to be pretty accepting and sincere about it. It was really a nice feeling.

On to another issue: hormones. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any emotionally different after a month on Estradiol. Well this week I doubled it to 4mg a day and holy crap I cry at everything. My wife just called and we got into a big emotional discussion and I just could not stop sobbing. I know she is hurting too and that is really difficult for me to accept since I am the cause.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on here with no real thought process so I guess I will just end now.

thanks for listening

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This one is not too bad....

I kind of like this picture. Pose is better than most. Face is just ok. Very hard for me to smile in a way that I like in pictures. Maybe I will try again on Thursday night. It really bugs me because I have been obsessing about this all day. I got almost no work done today because this is making me so unhappy.

Just for Angel

So this is one of the BETTER pictures from last night. Not very flattering to me.

Who am I kidding?.... I look terrible as a girl

Last night I decided to try some pictures. I went through all my summer club clothes and took a total of 70 pictures. I went through them all, deleted the blurry ones, cropped out all the background and ended up with 31 pictures that I thought were ok. I am really worried about showing them with my face since I cannot stop people from copying them off the blog. I went through them last night and again today and I really don't think that I look good at all. Maybe 1 or 2 look sort of like a girl but they are mostly just a guy in a dress. I am so depressed today. Maybe I should not have doubled my estrogen last night. Maybe I am just having a rush of something that is making me really sad today. My doctor tells me that I look better and better each week and yesterday she was really complimentary. I know that I take bad pictures but I can't find even 1 from last night that I think is worth posting.

Who am I kidding? Michelle is nothing but misery for me and everyone around me.

Monday, September 20, 2010


So I just found this new "stats" section for my blog and it seems that everybody is interested in pictures since the only picture I have on this blog has the most views of any page. I must admit that pictures are the first thing I look for too. Hopefully tomorrow night I will get a chance to show off all the new outfits that I have spent a fortune on this summer. I have lots of club clothes and I can finally show off my own hair instead of a wig. My friends all tell me that I dress a little slutty and that I dress to attract men rather than women but I am still learning and developing my own style. I wear what I like and hopefully some girls out there will like it too. Who cares what the guys think. Not me! I spend hours looking for dresses and skirts that nobody at the club has. I bought 1 corset top at hot topic and sure enough one of my friends has the same top. Oh well, we just make sure we never wear it on the same night out! Like I said in an older post, I need to stop shopping for a while. I think I have enough outfits and I hope I get to show them off soon.

I kissed a girl as a girl!

Well I have not posted anything in a long time and I am not really sure what to talk about so maybe just some random thoughts tonight.

Things have been really confusing lately on the emotional front. My wife and I have started the divorce process and have decided that we will make the actual filing the first week of January. We have been to a mediator and it was very difficult. I am also having a very hard time because we have absolutely no emotional connection at all.

I am very lonely and I am starting to look for attention from the girls out at the club. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but I really miss the connection to another human being on a personal level. I cannot share any of my Michelle thoughts with my wife and I am desperate for affection and friendship for Michelle. The past few weeks at the club have been very interesting. I am actually having girls that are interested in me and have actually approached me in very personal ways. This past weekend I met a really cute girl who is closer to my age. Not quite my age but better than all the 22 year olds I have met recently. Neither one of us was drunk at all so I know there was at least a little real feeling from her. She does have a girlfriend but she was very nice to me. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I was very cute and seemed like a very nice girl. Then she said "I really want to kiss you but I really like your lipstick and don't want to mess it up". I told her that it would not come off and she was suddenly very interested. "Really? are you sure? what kind is it?" Then she said "what would happen if I put my tongue in there?" and I said go ahead and find out. That was the best minute and a half I have had in a long time. I felt like a silly teenager but I did not care. She and I were attached for the rest of the night. We sat and talked, she rubbed my feet so nicely. I never really got around to asking her if she liked me for a girl or just because she knew I was a guy. She did tell me that she is bi but has a steady girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the end of the night and I asked her why she was so nice to me. I told her that most girls are fairly cautious about me. She told me I was really cute and started kissing me again. It was really nice and I liked being kissed like a girl. It was not overly aggressive and slutty at all. Just really really comfortable and soft. She told me that she only goes out once in a while and I must admit that I was devastated. I know that I probably will not see her again any time soon but at least I have the memories from last Saturday night.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to cheat on my wife. She asked me to wait at least until we file for the divorce before I get involved with anybody new. She knows that I have lots of opportunity because I go out every Saturday. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I really am all alone and I need some good friends who can help me through this transition. I am sure that there will be people out there who tell me to suck it up because this is the choice I am making.

My life is so confusing right now but I guess things are still moving forward. Today makes 5 full weeks on estrogen. I have already noticed some changes. I have another lesbian friend at the club and she is really struggling with the fact that that I still have male parts. She tells me I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I talk like a girl but I don't sound like a girl. She got all confused Saturday because she said "you have such soft skin for a guy and that just doesn't seem right". I can tell that she really wants me to be all "girl" but her head knows that there still is just enough "guy" in there to be a problem for her. She really is nice to me too. My real boobs have also been sore for a week now. Not really hurting but I definitely know when something rubs up against them.

Not much else to talk about. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I get another full day as Michelle. I have my shrink from 10 to 12, then the endocrinologist at 2 and then my my therapist at 6. Definitely lunch at Friendly's again. Still would be nice if I had someone to share lunch with but maybe sometime soon I will have some new friends outside the club.