Friday, June 25, 2010

Still here, Still struggling

Sorry I have not posted anything lately. Work and home have been very busy the past few weeks and lots going on personally. I am in week 4 of a new clinical trial for depression. I am on Pristiq and some new mystery drug for MDD. I think that it may actually be working. My mood is improving. They take blood, weight,ecg almost every week. The new dr. is really nice. I have actually gone there twice as Michelle and her staff is very nice to me.

I have not gone out in the past few weeks because of family things. I have been obsessed with new clothes and I have more new things that I am dying to show. I have also been buying more every-day clothes since my wife and I have decided that the month of July is the final test of our separation. On August 1 I need to go home or we will formalize the separation and start to move on. Not really what I want but all our therapists tell us that my path is leading in one direction and Michelle is going to win no matter how hard I fight it.

Things are very different right now. Today I went to return 2 of the shirts that I bought yesterday. I wore my girl clothes and wore my guy sandals with my toes painted red and my hands painted dark blue. No make-up or anything else but I really felt like Michelle anyway. I got a few strange looks at McDonalds but something really cool happened at JcPennys. I went to return the shirt from yesterday and I went to the same counter in the store. There was a girl there working on some paperwork and she never stopped to look up at me. She was facing me but not quite paying attention. I was wearing a girl tank top, white with black stripes and my girl jeans. I know she saw my hands when I put the shirt on the counter. Still without looking directly at me she called to the girl behind me and said "can you come take care of her, I have to go". The other girl came around and looked at me and said nothing. She looked a little surprised but it was really a weird feeling.

Ok gotta run. I am at work

A special thank you to Claire. I tend to be fairly un-social and then I wonder why I have no friends. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate someone reaching out to me. So thank you Claire for caring enough to ask about me. It really means a lot.


Claire L Hallam said...

It's great to see you back Michelle, and a lot happier too. I'd missed your posts. Just remember to take care (and appreciate) yourself in the next month which will have ups and downs for sure. Claire

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