A sad and lonely existence.............

Ok, so this is going to be all over the place but i just have so much going on in my head that I don't know how to make any sense of it all

So is this my life now? Sitting up every night looking at blogs and hoping to find others like me? I get really depressed because I torture myself watching other trans girls on you-tube. I watch them and they are so sure of what they are and they really do seem to be like real girls. So many of them seem to "fit" into their new life. My problem is that I cannot just throw away who I have been for the last 40 years. I have 3 great kids that really need a "dad".

My therapist and my wife are both absolutely certain that my life as Bob is over. They both say that Michelle and Bob are battling to survive and that Michelle always wins. Why am I not strong enough to control these Michelle urges? My wife is pulling back all her emotions because she can't afford to hope anymore. I am absolutely devastated without any emotional connection to her. My therapist says that I have never been an independent person because my wife and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We have grown up almost as one person and now there is no "bob" to go back to without her. Even with this lack of "bob", I cannot shake the fear that Michelle is no more of a real person. And Michelle has NOTHING in terms of family, friends or any other emotional connections. How do I start a life as Michelle when I have absolutely no sense of self either as male or female? (5 years of therapy and this is where I'm at - nowhere)

I haven't slept next to my wife for almost 3 months now. Every night I turn off the light in my room and feel really stupid for being here alone instead of laying next to her. I don't mind being alone. It's not like I need someone there next to me. The problem is that it feels really wrong that SHE is not there. She keeps saying that "I left her". She did not leave even after Michelle got Bob's wedding ring stolen. Yes that's right and she will never forgive me for that. It's not that I feel guilty but it just seems like I am hurting her for all the wrong reasons. She has done everything she can to deal with Michelle. I hate myself for abandoning her and the girls.

I am going in circles again and this is just so much crap.

Ok just one more example of my pathetic obsessive tendencies. As I was driving home from work the other night, I noticed 2 women in the car behind me. First off I was jealous because I liked the way she had her hair pulled back and I could see her earrings. I never wear earrings. Then I noticed how they were just laughing and talking and seemed to be just enjoying a normal life. I realized that I would never have that level of comfort and simple satisfaction just "being" a girl. For the rest of my life, it will always be "different".