Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A sad and lonely existence.............

Ok, so this is going to be all over the place but i just have so much going on in my head that I don't know how to make any sense of it all

So is this my life now? Sitting up every night looking at blogs and hoping to find others like me? I get really depressed because I torture myself watching other trans girls on you-tube. I watch them and they are so sure of what they are and they really do seem to be like real girls. So many of them seem to "fit" into their new life. My problem is that I cannot just throw away who I have been for the last 40 years. I have 3 great kids that really need a "dad".

My therapist and my wife are both absolutely certain that my life as Bob is over. They both say that Michelle and Bob are battling to survive and that Michelle always wins. Why am I not strong enough to control these Michelle urges? My wife is pulling back all her emotions because she can't afford to hope anymore. I am absolutely devastated without any emotional connection to her. My therapist says that I have never been an independent person because my wife and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We have grown up almost as one person and now there is no "bob" to go back to without her. Even with this lack of "bob", I cannot shake the fear that Michelle is no more of a real person. And Michelle has NOTHING in terms of family, friends or any other emotional connections. How do I start a life as Michelle when I have absolutely no sense of self either as male or female? (5 years of therapy and this is where I'm at - nowhere)

I haven't slept next to my wife for almost 3 months now. Every night I turn off the light in my room and feel really stupid for being here alone instead of laying next to her. I don't mind being alone. It's not like I need someone there next to me. The problem is that it feels really wrong that SHE is not there. She keeps saying that "I left her". She did not leave even after Michelle got Bob's wedding ring stolen. Yes that's right and she will never forgive me for that. It's not that I feel guilty but it just seems like I am hurting her for all the wrong reasons. She has done everything she can to deal with Michelle. I hate myself for abandoning her and the girls.

I am going in circles again and this is just so much crap.

Ok just one more example of my pathetic obsessive tendencies. As I was driving home from work the other night, I noticed 2 women in the car behind me. First off I was jealous because I liked the way she had her hair pulled back and I could see her earrings. I never wear earrings. Then I noticed how they were just laughing and talking and seemed to be just enjoying a normal life. I realized that I would never have that level of comfort and simple satisfaction just "being" a girl. For the rest of my life, it will always be "different".


Halle said...

Michelle, you are not alone in the circle dance. The feeling of being two people who fight for control is one we all (and I mean all, not just trans) share. Most of us busy ourselves, drown out the noise and get on with life, somehow.

You are right to say your life will always be different. Use the word unique. Think wonderful.

It is likely that you (one person, not two) can not be like you were before, because as you understand this other side of yourself, it will not fit into what your wife expects you to be; just Bob.

That one side of you will dominate in the internal struggle is natural, but allow yourself the luxury of finding the best of both sides and making that into you. Listen to the noise, and don't say go away, just say, I hear you, and now I want you to move on so we can live our life, one day at a time.

Hang on sis.


Michelle Marie said...

I can't stand the "noise" anymore!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to be a normal, happy person and I really don't think that is possible anymore.

Karen said...

I can't say what you should do Michelle, but try not to be to hard on yourself. You can find that sense of self, but it does take time and how long it takes is diffirent for everyone.
As Halle says, Hang On.
Look after yourself

lindabeth said...

I applaud you for a very honest and expressive post.

While I understand you wanting "normalcy" I think maybe you emphasize it too much as the only thing that can produce happiness. Like another commenter said, "You are right to say your life will always be different. Use the word unique. Think wonderful." I think it's scary for you because this different is unknown (as any "differents" are). This happens not just for trans people but in any life changing event. I think of my dad who in his 50s became divorced from my mom who he had been married to since he was 21. Like you, he had never lived as a single adult--ever. It scared him a lot, but he has become used to it.

Your process of connecting to who you feel you really are is scary and it will be different, and there will be some losses that you have to mourn. But at the same time as there is loss, there is gain--the possibility of finally feeling comfortable in your own skin.

The loss of family makes this much worse for you than someone doing this in their younger years. I just hope that when you are a happier person, D will recognize that you can be an even better parent.

Laura said...

Michelle I do say that e are born of two sparks in this life and and how we chose to live with them is total up to. This change in your life and its total scary. To not have a true id in this world makes you unsure of things of your self. But look at it now you do have some friends to listen to you and bond with sort of speaking. I offer my ear to listen to you if and when you need it. I offer a tree branch of sisterhood so maybe we can share ideals and thoughts.

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