Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Lots of stuff going on I guess. I called my kids last night to say goodnight and all hell was breaking loose at my house. My two older girls were screaming at each other. One packed her stuff and was going to run away. My youngest was on the phone with me and trying not to cry. She keeps saying "you come home now, you not here" over and over. My family is falling apart. They are all very sad and upset including my wife who is struggling to keep things together.

She is pretty sure that the girls are struggling today because they saw us being affectionate. We hugged a few times and actually sat next to each other friday. The girls tell us that they are confused by this. I know I am being selfish but being Michelle does not change my feelings for my wife. I still want to be close to her and I know that is extremely unfair to her. I started to cry this morning as I watched her leave the house. Not sure why. I just really felt like I was letting her down because I am not helping her with the girls. I get to be off doing my own thing while she tries to juggle girl scouts, baseball, homework and doctor appointments.

Now the hard part: I was really looking forward to getting dressed tonight. I really need the practice. I wanted to last night but I was really tired and went to bed at 8:30. My wife was really annoyed that I had that luxury. She knew she would be up til at least ten with my oldest daughter. It still takes me a while, more than an hour but I wasn't really in a hurry anyway. I had no place to go and I did some laundry too. I was pretty happy with the way things turned out. My face was ok tonight. I did notice that the new eyeliner I bought was smudging below my eyes. I don't remember the old one doing that. I'll have to make sure to get the other one. I barely had it on 2 hours tonight and it started to look messy. Funny how I don't ever notice my wife having those problems. Then again she rarely uses a lot of makeup.

So my difficulty comes in the fact that I am completely comfortable being dressed and catching my reflection in the kitchen window. I cannot shake the guilt from knowing that I should be at home with my wife and girls. This life right now is such a little fantasy and it does not seem real. I don't do anything at night. Michelle does not have this great social calendar. It seems pretty pathetic to spend an hour and a half just to sit around the house for at most 2 hours. Then I scrub off Michelle and go to bed or I sit here on this silly blog for about an hour.

I am really starting to worry about work too. I honestly get about 3 hours of productive work done and then my brain is just mush. I am going to see a new shrink to try some other meds again. I think that the one I am seeing now has just given up and does not know anything else to try. When I first started seeing her, she was not really sold on the whole trans idea. She knows all about my family and really thought it was just depression. When I told her that I had moved out to try being the Michelle I think that she decided (like my therapist) that maybe my depression cannot be changed by drugs. The meds help a little but the ultimate answer lies elsewhere. They are both pushing hard toward Michelle as the obvious outcome. Obvious to everyone but me. They both say that Michelle will not fix everything but they don't see me surviving as I am now. Michelle will have all the issues that Bob has. Bob has a great life and I really hope that I can make the right choices and can be happy again some day. My wife is certain that I have been unhappy my entire life and I cannot argue against it.


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