Thursday, December 9, 2010

I hate this person that is "almost" me

First off, before I start my usual nonsense, I would like to thank Claire for always looking out for me. Every once in a while she reaches out just to make sure that I am ok. Thank You claire

I know that my whining is getting very old but I just cannot seem to get out of this depression and just be happy with Michelle. I only get to be M part-time and I really hate the person that I am right now. I am barely keeping up at work, M has very little personal life, I am having nightmares all the time, I am always exhausted, I start crying all the time, my wife is miserable (rightly so), and on and on and on ........ Why can I not get over this stupid mood and just get on with life? All the people I associate with as M tell me that she is the "real" me and that is absolutely the right choice for me. They tell me how much better I seem whenever I am Michelle as opposed to Bob. The other day I had a DR. appt and was really upset because I wanted to be able to just drive back to work as Michelle as if everything was normal. Of course that is impossible. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it really does a lot.
I still really hate this half person that I am now. A terrible husband to my wife, my kids are not getting what they need from me and I am always miserable anyway. What good is Michelle doing for me? I was waiting to pick my daughter up at cheer last night and I started crying in the car because I realized just how different I was from all the other people sitting there waiting too. They go home and can hug/touch their spouse. They are genuinely interested in everything their kids do every day. They never seem to question "who" they really are. For me, "who" is a constant battle. My wife asked me "What happens when the kids can't call you dad any more?". They need a dad. They need somebody to be there for them emotionally to help them to grow up. I am not vary strong at all right now and they really need me. I must say that I am very happy because my kids are latching on to me again. All 3 of them have a definite emotional attachment that was lacking before. I just hope that I can keep it together long enough to survive the next year.
So this post seems to be all over the place with no real focus. Kind of like my life right now. Guess I should get back to work for while. Maybe I will post another video this Saturday before I go out.


Claire L Hallam said...

Hey Michelle, that's what friends are for!
Don't think that other people sitting in their cars are more "normal" or have some idyllic life-believe me they don't. That's a fantasy. Beneath that surface there will all manner of wife beaters, cheats, heartbreak and unhappiness amid the smiling faces playing happy families. Be prepared for ups and downs, but your children are connecting again- thats a real plus. Have a great night Saturday!

Becca said...

I stumbled upon your blog and just thought I would say hello.

Whilst our lives are different in many respects I can relate to the 'low's that you visit. I cry frequently and at the moment I do wonder when things will ever get easier.

I guess I just trust that they will at some point - and I hope you can too. The term I use is growing pains.


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