Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sinking fast... not sure how much longer I can go on like this

Today seems to be a really bad day. Not that any have been good lately. Yesterday I started to cry because I was extremely jealous of my wife. I love her hair and would give anything to have real hair like hers. She hates it because of me. I have always been a fanatic about her hair and she would love to cut it off.

Today I started to cry sitting at the gas station because I saw this absolutely gorgeous woman getting gas. She was a beautiful blond with long hair and a cute white shirt with a black vest. She looked about 40 something and definitely a mom but still drop dead gorgeous to me. I was overwhelmed with jealousy knowing that I could never be anything like her.

I miss my wife terribly but I cannot let go of the girly things that I love. I want to go home tonight and fix my toe nails. I want to get dressed and go for a walk as Michelle.

My stomach has been queasy for 2 days now because my wife says we should "talk" this weekend about what we are going to do. It has been 3 months now and she wants to resolve our separation.

All I could think of this morning was the show "Ghost Whisperer" with Jennifer Love Hewitt. At the end of every show, the ghost walks off into the distance and just disappears.

I am really to the point where I just want to disappear into the background and never show up again.


Laura said...

That has happen to a lot of us. That we wanted to just disappear in to the back ground and not show our face. But how can we show our face to our self if we hide it. In dark time have hope for things to get better. Don't let hatred of what and who you are cloud your heart and guide you in sadness. We may want to envy other for what they have or how they dress or look but we are all clay forms in this world shaped by choice we make and paths we take. The path behind you has heart ache and pain but embrace the new beginning as you grow as a person.

Calie said...

Michelle, I have been fighting this for years. These thoughts you have are not just unique to you.

I still hate my father for not letting me grow my hair out when I was a teenager. I blogged about that once.

Just don't feel alone and disappear into the background. I hope you and your wife can make it work. Love and marriage are very important to me.

Lovely picture, btw.

Calie xxx

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