Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tuesday Night

Friday, April 22, 2011

Michelle is taking over and I think I like it??????

So I am finding that Michelle seems much more obvious to all the people around me than I had previously thought. I am actually getting called maam when out as Bob. I was at the grocery store last week wearing my Bob jacket and glasses. Had not shaved for 2 days and the girl at the register says "how are you today maam?" The guy in front and behind me both got a firm hello sir so I know that she knew the difference. I went to lunch today with my friend from work and again the waitress says "I'll go get your check ladies". We both laughed and I got a real pit in my stomach since I was definitely in Bob mode at the time. My therapist tells me that Michelle is much more than just my face and makeup. She says that I must be giving off a very female presence in order for these people to pick up on it. My entire presentation is more Michelle than Bob no matter how I am dressed.

I cannot describe the absolute terror that this creates. Michelle is more and more a full time reality and Bob is slowly fading into the background. We were at my brother's house last night to discuss living arrangements and my wife was there. I was having a very difficult time because my sister and sister-in-law kept referring to me as Michelle and "her" instead of "him" in front of my wife. She actually asked how I wanted to be addressed as M no matter how I was dressed. I could tell that this had made my wife very uncomfortable and I actually said that Donna could call me whatever she wanted. They still pushed the issue and insisted that I pick one or the other. Even though my wife was there, I said that M is always appropriate no matter what. That was very difficult for her to hear and I could see the hurt in her face.

So back to the absolute terror that this causes. I cannot help that queasy feeling in my stomach. People keep telling me that there is no going back now. I need to move on and let go of my wife and the relationship that we once had. I cannot describe the sheer joy that I felt at the thought of getting a new badge for work with Michelle instead of Bob. Yet again this causes a huge conflict since this is pushing the wife and kids farther away. My wife insists that these are all conscious choices that I am making. I know she is right but it is still very difficult to accept the fact that I am willingly destroying my wife and kids.

Sorry this is just more of the same old stuff but I really am struggling lately with this. I keep looking at my friends Facebook pages and wishing that I could just be normal and have a real life like they do. Maybe someday soon Michelle will be out completely and can be just like all the other people in the world. That would be great.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday Morning Video