Monday, September 20, 2010

I kissed a girl as a girl!

Well I have not posted anything in a long time and I am not really sure what to talk about so maybe just some random thoughts tonight.

Things have been really confusing lately on the emotional front. My wife and I have started the divorce process and have decided that we will make the actual filing the first week of January. We have been to a mediator and it was very difficult. I am also having a very hard time because we have absolutely no emotional connection at all.

I am very lonely and I am starting to look for attention from the girls out at the club. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but I really miss the connection to another human being on a personal level. I cannot share any of my Michelle thoughts with my wife and I am desperate for affection and friendship for Michelle. The past few weeks at the club have been very interesting. I am actually having girls that are interested in me and have actually approached me in very personal ways. This past weekend I met a really cute girl who is closer to my age. Not quite my age but better than all the 22 year olds I have met recently. Neither one of us was drunk at all so I know there was at least a little real feeling from her. She does have a girlfriend but she was very nice to me. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I was very cute and seemed like a very nice girl. Then she said "I really want to kiss you but I really like your lipstick and don't want to mess it up". I told her that it would not come off and she was suddenly very interested. "Really? are you sure? what kind is it?" Then she said "what would happen if I put my tongue in there?" and I said go ahead and find out. That was the best minute and a half I have had in a long time. I felt like a silly teenager but I did not care. She and I were attached for the rest of the night. We sat and talked, she rubbed my feet so nicely. I never really got around to asking her if she liked me for a girl or just because she knew I was a guy. She did tell me that she is bi but has a steady girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the end of the night and I asked her why she was so nice to me. I told her that most girls are fairly cautious about me. She told me I was really cute and started kissing me again. It was really nice and I liked being kissed like a girl. It was not overly aggressive and slutty at all. Just really really comfortable and soft. She told me that she only goes out once in a while and I must admit that I was devastated. I know that I probably will not see her again any time soon but at least I have the memories from last Saturday night.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to cheat on my wife. She asked me to wait at least until we file for the divorce before I get involved with anybody new. She knows that I have lots of opportunity because I go out every Saturday. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I really am all alone and I need some good friends who can help me through this transition. I am sure that there will be people out there who tell me to suck it up because this is the choice I am making.

My life is so confusing right now but I guess things are still moving forward. Today makes 5 full weeks on estrogen. I have already noticed some changes. I have another lesbian friend at the club and she is really struggling with the fact that that I still have male parts. She tells me I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I talk like a girl but I don't sound like a girl. She got all confused Saturday because she said "you have such soft skin for a guy and that just doesn't seem right". I can tell that she really wants me to be all "girl" but her head knows that there still is just enough "guy" in there to be a problem for her. She really is nice to me too. My real boobs have also been sore for a week now. Not really hurting but I definitely know when something rubs up against them.

Not much else to talk about. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I get another full day as Michelle. I have my shrink from 10 to 12, then the endocrinologist at 2 and then my my therapist at 6. Definitely lunch at Friendly's again. Still would be nice if I had someone to share lunch with but maybe sometime soon I will have some new friends outside the club.


Claire L Hallam said...

"Not much else to talk about"?
Wow you've started estrogen, and you're exploring a new aspect to your sexuality- isn't that quite a lot in itself? What else could we take?
Great to hear you sound so much happier than before.....I'm really pleased for you.
Just take care and look after yourself and keep smiling

dgmoo said...

If you ever want to go to lunch or just coffee, I'd love to sit and talk with you. You are getting out there, and that is great, but if you want a friend just to talk to and who will accept Michelle, I'm here ready to start.

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