I kissed a girl as a girl!

Well I have not posted anything in a long time and I am not really sure what to talk about so maybe just some random thoughts tonight.

Things have been really confusing lately on the emotional front. My wife and I have started the divorce process and have decided that we will make the actual filing the first week of January. We have been to a mediator and it was very difficult. I am also having a very hard time because we have absolutely no emotional connection at all.

I am very lonely and I am starting to look for attention from the girls out at the club. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but I really miss the connection to another human being on a personal level. I cannot share any of my Michelle thoughts with my wife and I am desperate for affection and friendship for Michelle. The past few weeks at the club have been very interesting. I am actually having girls that are interested in me and have actually approached me in very personal ways. This past weekend I met a really cute girl who is closer to my age. Not quite my age but better than all the 22 year olds I have met recently. Neither one of us was drunk at all so I know there was at least a little real feeling from her. She does have a girlfriend but she was very nice to me. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I was very cute and seemed like a very nice girl. Then she said "I really want to kiss you but I really like your lipstick and don't want to mess it up". I told her that it would not come off and she was suddenly very interested. "Really? are you sure? what kind is it?" Then she said "what would happen if I put my tongue in there?" and I said go ahead and find out. That was the best minute and a half I have had in a long time. I felt like a silly teenager but I did not care. She and I were attached for the rest of the night. We sat and talked, she rubbed my feet so nicely. I never really got around to asking her if she liked me for a girl or just because she knew I was a guy. She did tell me that she is bi but has a steady girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the end of the night and I asked her why she was so nice to me. I told her that most girls are fairly cautious about me. She told me I was really cute and started kissing me again. It was really nice and I liked being kissed like a girl. It was not overly aggressive and slutty at all. Just really really comfortable and soft. She told me that she only goes out once in a while and I must admit that I was devastated. I know that I probably will not see her again any time soon but at least I have the memories from last Saturday night.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to cheat on my wife. She asked me to wait at least until we file for the divorce before I get involved with anybody new. She knows that I have lots of opportunity because I go out every Saturday. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I really am all alone and I need some good friends who can help me through this transition. I am sure that there will be people out there who tell me to suck it up because this is the choice I am making.

My life is so confusing right now but I guess things are still moving forward. Today makes 5 full weeks on estrogen. I have already noticed some changes. I have another lesbian friend at the club and she is really struggling with the fact that that I still have male parts. She tells me I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I talk like a girl but I don't sound like a girl. She got all confused Saturday because she said "you have such soft skin for a guy and that just doesn't seem right". I can tell that she really wants me to be all "girl" but her head knows that there still is just enough "guy" in there to be a problem for her. She really is nice to me too. My real boobs have also been sore for a week now. Not really hurting but I definitely know when something rubs up against them.

Not much else to talk about. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I get another full day as Michelle. I have my shrink from 10 to 12, then the endocrinologist at 2 and then my my therapist at 6. Definitely lunch at Friendly's again. Still would be nice if I had someone to share lunch with but maybe sometime soon I will have some new friends outside the club.