Sunday, November 21, 2010

This life sucks

Well I went out again tonight and had a pretty rotten time. Don't know what I expect anymore. Nobody shows any real interest in me. I am tired of being alone. I had a really hard time tonight seeing all the couples being so happy together. Nobody loves Michelle. Nobody has any feelings for Michelle. Bob has no emotional connections anymore either. My wife stated again that nothing will change between us since I have decided to be Michelle and not Bob. She has no interest in Michelle in any form. Bob has been destroyed and she does not forgive me for that. Bob is not functioning well either. My job is getting very difficult to stay focused on. What's the point of working if there is nobody to share life with. Don't even know why I bother with this silly blog anymore. Nobody has the answers because there is no way for this to work. Bob and Michelle can't both exist and I already know what happens when I try to hide Michelle. The looney bin was no help at all. It seems that neither life is worth keeping anymore.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Random rants ... my so called "life"

Nothing to really talk about today. I am just sitting here alone as usual wondering about this so called "choice" that I have made to leave my wife and family in favor of this lifestyle. She is very hurt / angry / alone / scared / sad ....... Duh! my fault for doing this to us. Tonight on the way home, I got into a slight accident when some idiot changes lanes and then slams on the brakes in the pouring rain. She gets a scratch on her bumper, my hood and grill are now toast. At least $1500 worth of damage. The car I could not care less about. The really depressing thing is that I am sitting here alone with nobody to complain to. I am here, wife is at home struggling with all the activities of the 3 girls. I really have no right to hope for any sympathy from her. I just wanted to talk to her for some reason. Maybe because she is the one I talk to about everything. I feel so sick and I am starting to cry again at the thought that I am choosing to leave all that life behind. I told my sister that I don't want to get divorced as we were waiting for the club to open last Saturday. She said "can you stop being Michelle?" I said no and she said "then you have no choice in the divorce".

Why can't I choose to be Bob? Stop taking these stupid hormones. They are only making you fat. Cut your hair. Your kids can't stand it anymore. Stop obsessing about piercing your ears. You will only lose your job. Where did that person go? Who is this stupid person who gets happy when a friend says my face looks "different"? I constantly play with my hair. I obsess about the way my hands and face feel. As I sat in the shower this morning, I was pushing and pulling my parts around to make them "disappear" and I was happy with the thought of that space being flat without something to stick out. If I pull my parts far enough back and squeeze my legs together ....... look at that, a nice flat front. Dumbass, it is still there and it always will be.

I am having really bad thoughts again. My friend Angela got mad at me the other day because I told her that I was not going to survive much past the final divorce in January. This life really is just not worth living anymore. Too many things are broken and can't be fixed. My kids are miserable and I will never have a really close relationship with them. Bob has destroyed everything we had and Michelle will have no job, no family and no life at all. I was starting to feel better about things. I managed to get some sleep the last few nights and I feel better. Now today has just put me right back into the gutter. Now I am exhausted again and I don't want to go to sleep because I really don't want to face any more days.

I am really scared now. I am not a real person anymore.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Am I passing better than I thought......

Haven't posted in a while but I think that I really have something to share today. First I'll start with Tuesday. My usual day to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have my shrink appointment in the morning and then my therapist later that night. Spent 2 hours at the shrink but she told me that I am getting very comfortable in my Michelle skin and that Bob is definitely not the right choice for me. She also said that it is getting harder and harder to really see me as a male. She said that I am just a little too tall but other than that I look like a girl most of the time. Both in looks and behavior. I was a little skeptical since she is my doctor but I accepted the compliments anyway.

Now on to the mall. I went to Friendly's again for lunch and all the waitresses were really nice to me. The first one came up and said Hi hon, nice to see you again. I sat in the very first booth this time and I was facing into the restaurant. Normally I face the other way so that I can scope out any potential "issues" with people coming in. It was fairly busy but nobody paid any attention to me. That is except for the 4 year old boy facing away from me in the very next booth. His grandmother was facing me and I think that she figured me out. Maybe not but it doesn't really matter anyway. Well the boy turned around 3 or 4 times and was looking at me. He finally turned back to his grandmother and said "there's a lady behind us and she is really pretty". The grandma barely glanced back at me and simply said "yes, she is". Again, still not sure if she really had me figured out or not but at least I managed to fool a 4 year old.

Now on to the rest of the week. I got my hair done again Thursday night. She colored it and added a little more red this time. She barely trimmed it just to even up some of the layers and she also did my eyebrows more the way I wanted them. I did not really think much of it until I saw my wife the next morning and she said that my hair was much more girly now. She definitely cut it with a very feminine shape to it. So then I went out to lunch with my friend Angela from work. As we stood in the door the waitress says hello ladies right this way. During our lunch she came back 4 times and said "ladies" every time. Even after we ordered and she heard my voice. Now remember that I am in complete Bob/work mode today. It really threw me off a little. I really liked it but it felt weird since I was in Bob mode. Now on to today where I went to buy a car for my mother-in-law. We walked into the dealer and the guy was only about 10 feet away from us and asks "How are you ladies today?" He was a little embarrassed when I told him I was Bob but we both let it slide without the usual male jokes / comments. We then went to lunch after the car dealer and the hostess again says "this way ladies". The waitress then walks up and says "hello ladies" but I was on the phone and she heard my voice and then corrected herself.

It must be the hair that is different. It is the weirdest feeling. Am I offended because I am no longer male enough? Isn't this what I really want? My head is spinning right now. I want to laugh, cry and scream all at the same time.

Somebody stop the ride, I want to get off this nightmare.