Monday, August 16, 2010

A pretty crappy 2 weeks

Well, I have not posted for a while. Things are really kinda ugly right now. The week that my wife was gone seemed to be good with the kids until Sunday night when we were supposed to pick her up at the airport. On Friday, I told my kids that the entire house was a mess and that it would NOT look like that when their mother got home Sunday night. Of course Sunday came and then they were in a scramble because they refused to start earlier. Things were going well (sort of) until it got to 3:30 and there was still a pile of shoes under the kitchen table and a pile of clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I lost it and really started yelling so of course they all got really upset and later told their mother that I had been yelling at them for the entire 4 days. At least my youngest rescued me and said that it was only Sunday night when things got out of hand. Then it got worse because at 10 minutes to 4 I laid on the couch waiting for my oldest to get ready to go to the airport. Next thing I know, she is yelling at me because it is now 4:20 and I fell asleep. The plane lands at 4:37 and the airport is 25 minutes away. My wife was absolutely devastated when we were not standing there to greet her. All her friends families were there and I was 5 minutes late. That started a small argument between us and the kids got really upset again. Four good days shot to hell in the last 2 hours.

The rest of the week was ok but we had decided to tell the kids about our final decision to divorce this Sunday. That went real well (not).

Other things have changed this week too. On Wednesday I finally got a chance to tell my wife that I WOULD be starting hormones soon. The first thing she said was "I hate you". She didn't really mean it but she was just very hurt and angry. I have taken away the man that she married and she will never have that again. She is very upset that I will not cut my hair and really needs to know exactly what my plans are. The kids are embarrassed by me and she feels that I am ignoring their feelings about it. She says that I should suffer and wear a wig if I need to. Their feelings should come first but Michelle just always does whatever she wants and the rest of the family should deal with it.

So now on to the real difficulty. For whatever reason, I really want to start hormones. Not really sure what I will get from it and I am still afraid that I am just sliding down this hill instead of fixing the real issues. Both my wife and brother think that the real issue is the fact that I have never liked being "Bob". I know logically that there is nothing wrong with Bob, but there are definitely those issues there. I had a depression attack on Thursday and ended up in the private office at my meds doctor. She told me that I am definitely much more comfortable as Michelle than as Bob and that really scares me because I know it is true. I don't seem to like being the person that I am, but nobody else seems to like the person that I think I am.

So now I am depressed again and don't feel like talking anymore. Still a lot of other stuff to tell but maybe later I will feel up to it again.


Lady Jane said...

Thanks for posting the update. It took a lot of courage and hang in there.

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