Monday, July 5, 2010

Superficial and selfish????

So I know that most of what I am doing now is very selfish. My therapist tells me that this is where I must be in order to fix myself, but my wife is having a very difficult time since it directly affects her and the kids. She understands it to a point but she had made it clear that she is very hurt and angry that Michelle is still the main focal point of my life. It has been this way for the past six years, since I told my wife and she can no longer accept the idea that she and the kids do not come first for everything. I will admit that she correctly puts the kids above all else. Kids, family, house,friends and then us. In that order, period. That is her priority. Michelle has taken way too much of my energy both emotionally and physically.

I am still extremely worried that Michelle is just a superficial and physical need rather than a truly emotional one. I know that there are a lot of really, really deep seated "feelings" that go along with the whole Michelle experience, but the physical issues are still very dominant. Even though I had 5 days almost full-time as Michelle, I really did have a hard time being comfortable as Bob since Thursday. On Friday, we took my youngest daughter to get her ears pierced. We had promised it to her for her birthday but she has been bugging us to do it early. I had a really hard time because I was extremely jealous of the other girls there and it was killing me that I could not simply focus on my daughter and her time. I have wanted to get mine done for the longest time but my wife is absolutely against it. She has actually commented that getting my ears pierced would just be the next boundary that I blow right through. It doesn't even make sense for me anyway because I always wear my hair forward and if I pull it back then my own hair shows under the wig that I love. Still, I could not help but look and wish that I could have some of the pretty things that I was seeing. I did not tell my wife my feelings because she would be really upset about my lack of attention to my daughter. But here again, I am stuck and obsessed by something physical and trivial.

I also am really worried because I am still obsessed with looking at the other pretty girls. I went out Saturday night and must admit that I was really happy with the way I looked. I am finally confident about my legs so I did not wear any stockings since I really wanted the ribbons on my new shoes to show up. I still do not "pass" perfectly, but I do not look like a guy in a dress. The club was really dead this weekend but there were 2 new girls that I had never seen before but lots of regulars at the club knew them. They absolutely fit into the Goth setting and I was absolutely devastated by the perfect, gorgeous girl image. She has beautiful long black hair, gorgeous face, simple black jeans and black t-shirt with a perfectly shaped girl body. Not real skinny and perfectly curved. I watched her talking with people and she seemed like a genuine and warm human being. Happy to talk with friends and interested in their lives. I finally got the courage and walked up to her and introduced myself. I said Hi, I'm Michelle and I really hope you don't think me too superficial but I just have to tell how gorgeous you look. She seemed genuinely appreciative and told me that I was really sweet for actually coming up to her. Now mind you, I told her this very quietly, so nobody else knew. It's not like the typical guy that walks up and says "damn you're hot" and wants to get into her pants. She said that she liked my outfit and shoes and that I looked really good too. I said I do ok and she said that I am just trying to be myself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her that I really thought she was beautiful and then I left her alone to talk with her friends. What really made me sad was the fact that she seemed to have a great girl "essence" that I will never have. Everything about her is female both inside and out.

I had a similar experience at the July 4 parade on Sunday. I took the kids and I could not help but notice all the moms with their kids and their friends. There were a lot of really attractive, middle aged women and I was jealous of their friendly interactions when the found a friend in the crowd. It was different from the men who found their friends. I noticed the different emotional context of the women compared to the men and I was really wanting to be a part of that experience. What really scares me right now is the fact that I still am paying too much attention to the other women. I am afraid that even if I get to be Michelle all the time that I will still be obsessed with the perfection that no woman can ever obtain. I told my wife that I was laying on the blanket and that I noticed that I really liked the way my legs felt because they were really smooth from going out the night before. I noticed the cute dresses that many of the girls wore and how they did their hair. She really thinks that most of the physical things may fall into a fetish category. She says that no girl actually likes to shave their legs. It really is a pain and the feeling is not really worth paying attention to. The fact that I actually mentioned it may make it a fetish.

I can honestly also say that I really don't think that I have the "essence" of a real girl. I like the pretty things and I am really emotional about a lot of things but I just don't think that anyone will ever look at me and just think "girl". Not just in the physical sense, but in the total person. Being girl is about emotional attachment, the inner sense, the feelings behind the eyes and the warmth that comes from within.

What happens if I get to be Michelle like I think that I want but I can never just "be" Michelle because I am always stuck on the physical and cannot seem to just be content within a crowd of beautiful women.


dgmoo said...

I think I remember when I first started shaving my legs and putting on make up and dressing up, it felt great. I remember looking at the other girls and feeling jealous of how they looked. You were right the other are going through puberty! It's natural, but I think the newness will wear off in time. For some women it doesn' did for me after dating assholes:)

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