Thursday, July 1, 2010

Follow the Yellow Brick Road......

I must say that I am truly scared out of my mind!!!!

Today I am back at work as Bob after 5 days almost full-time as Michelle. Something major has changed and I am really struggling to switch back to Bob. The past few days have been really great. I got my share of funny looks but I really don't care anymore. I was extremely happy with the way I looked, being able to wear the clothes I liked, the shoes, the way I think I walk in heels. I was extremely comfortable with everything about Michelle and it just felt so much like the right way for me to be.

I went to my doctor on Wednesday and they took blood as usual. Unfortunately, this time I had a severe reaction and almost passed out. I was sick for almost 20 minutes. But all that time my doctors were asking if I was OK. The best part is that they called me by Michelle every time and I realized as I was trying not to pass out that the simple fact of hearing my own name made me extremely happy. That whole time that I was puking and staggering, I heard "Michelle are your OK yet?" "Michelle sit down." "Michelle your vitals are stable again, just give it a few minutes and you will be ok". "Michelle, drink some water." I just cannot get over how that simple thing made me so happy and made me feel like a real human being. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, you ARE real, you DO exist outside your own fantasy world. It makes me cry just thinking about it now.

This is the third time that I have gone to this doctor as Michelle, but it was the first time that I met with the new doctor that has joined as part of the study that I am in. I have seen this other doctor 3 times and we get along great and she is very nice. Now I was sitting in the room right next to the open door and she walked by a few times and glanced at me. When she finally walked into the room, I looked up at her and she said "wow, you look different". She was a little flustered and realized that she forgot to bring my chart. She walked out and came back a minute later and put my book on the table. She looked at me again and smiled. I said "Sooooo...., you said wow, is that good or bad?". She grinned again and said "well they told me up front that you were here as Michelle and I thought I was ok with it." I said "and.... what does that mean?" She said "well you really surprised me because I wasn't expecting a pretty girl. Your makeup is better than a lot of girls and your eyes have such happy colors." By the way, I got my eyebrows waxed and it made a huge difference. Not quite a perfect girl brow, but definitely not a boring guy brow. I wore the purple/pink/magenta combination that I absolutely love to use. A pretty girl? Is she just being nice? I really think she was genuine. I could barely contain myself and told her that I would share anything she wanted to know.

She was extremely interested in everything about trans since she said that her culture does not accept it all. She was genuinely interested in the things that I am dealing with and was extremely nice to talk with.

So here I am, faced with the reality that Michelle can actually thrive and be very happy. Now how do I destroy 4 other people and the life that I have built as Bob?

I feel like throwing up and crying. I don't want to hurt the people I love but I really don't think that Michelle can be contained any longer.

One of us has to go and I am scared to death about it.


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