Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Random rants ... my so called "life"

Nothing to really talk about today. I am just sitting here alone as usual wondering about this so called "choice" that I have made to leave my wife and family in favor of this lifestyle. She is very hurt / angry / alone / scared / sad ....... Duh! my fault for doing this to us. Tonight on the way home, I got into a slight accident when some idiot changes lanes and then slams on the brakes in the pouring rain. She gets a scratch on her bumper, my hood and grill are now toast. At least $1500 worth of damage. The car I could not care less about. The really depressing thing is that I am sitting here alone with nobody to complain to. I am here, wife is at home struggling with all the activities of the 3 girls. I really have no right to hope for any sympathy from her. I just wanted to talk to her for some reason. Maybe because she is the one I talk to about everything. I feel so sick and I am starting to cry again at the thought that I am choosing to leave all that life behind. I told my sister that I don't want to get divorced as we were waiting for the club to open last Saturday. She said "can you stop being Michelle?" I said no and she said "then you have no choice in the divorce".

Why can't I choose to be Bob? Stop taking these stupid hormones. They are only making you fat. Cut your hair. Your kids can't stand it anymore. Stop obsessing about piercing your ears. You will only lose your job. Where did that person go? Who is this stupid person who gets happy when a friend says my face looks "different"? I constantly play with my hair. I obsess about the way my hands and face feel. As I sat in the shower this morning, I was pushing and pulling my parts around to make them "disappear" and I was happy with the thought of that space being flat without something to stick out. If I pull my parts far enough back and squeeze my legs together ....... look at that, a nice flat front. Dumbass, it is still there and it always will be.

I am having really bad thoughts again. My friend Angela got mad at me the other day because I told her that I was not going to survive much past the final divorce in January. This life really is just not worth living anymore. Too many things are broken and can't be fixed. My kids are miserable and I will never have a really close relationship with them. Bob has destroyed everything we had and Michelle will have no job, no family and no life at all. I was starting to feel better about things. I managed to get some sleep the last few nights and I feel better. Now today has just put me right back into the gutter. Now I am exhausted again and I don't want to go to sleep because I really don't want to face any more days.

I am really scared now. I am not a real person anymore.


Anonymous said...


You are a real person. And your kids will understand and come around in time. Likely not right away, but in time. And you will hopefully be able to see that you can make it through these rough periods that seem so hopeless. Suicide is never the best final solution. Your kids will need you and want you in their life and your sister and friends will need you and want you in their lives.

I cannot feel what you are feeling, but have been there on that depressing, hopeless edge many times. The abyss looks too daunting and unsurvivable, but it is. You can make it across and you will be stronger Michelle for doing so. Many girls have been where you are and have made it. Losing the primary adult relationship in our lives is not easy or something we can forgive ourselves for. (Just go to a McDonald's Playground on Wednesday night and count all the fathers playing with their kids. "Divorced Dads Night" is what a co-worker calls it. : (

I don't know you or your life, but please talk to your therapist if you are seeing one or your sister or friends. And realize for yourself, you truly only one person. You cannot be all the people that others want you to be. Just be the best Michelle you can. That will be good enough. Your kids will love you. Kids know great parents when they meet them.



Halle said...

Michelle, that really sucks about your accident.

As for being scared, forgive me for butting in, but it sounds as though you would be pretty crazy if you weren't upset now and yes, scared. Of course you are a real person, you just haven't got your feet under you as that person yet. Because I do not know you well, I cannot tell you specifically what you need to do now. What I truly believe you must not continue to do is watch the water go down the hole. Yes, it goes round and round and down it goes. Right, what else have you always enjoyed that did not depend on being Bob? Something you had before spouse and family and the stuff you have been watching go round and down this last while. If you love reading, go to the library after work. Volunteer somewhere. I do not know what, but you must give yourself that chance to find the rest of your life and you need to do that now, for the sake of remembering that you are a wonderful person who has done what they had to do, and are now going to keep taking charge of that life.

Get strong and give your kids a chance to find out who you really are. Let them know that you love them, no matter what, and no matter how long it takes. Give them the time to love you back.

If you love them and yourself, just live; live as fully as you can.

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

Hi Michelle,
I'm sorry to read this post, rotten luck! It's difficult for people who haven't heen hit by the gender dysphoria stick to understand that this isn't a choice, nobody would be crazy enough to want all this. So don't forget that, you didn't ask for a girl brain, or the grief it's caused.
It sounds lame to say this, but don't give up hope. There is an Other Side, however distant it might sometimes seem. Meanwhile you have our ears, keep talking.

Angel said...

I know how it feels... after my ex and I split up, I also had those empty moments when in the past, I would have talked to her or at least told her what had happened. She had been my partner and my best friend for 23 years (we'd had an awful marriage, but that's still how I thought of her). But she was no longer there, and during those times, I felt so empty and lonely. So, you certainly aren't alone in that respect.

Like you, there were times when I was in a very dark place. I'm lucky to still be here... literally. If you're thinking similar dark thoughts, then please get yourself some help. I ended up on antidepressants for a few months and they made all the difference.

Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel, whichever path you choose to take.

And yes... you are a very real person, because whether as Michelle or Bob, you're still you.

Anonymous said...

Are you getting professional help? Blogging is good and often therapeutic, and commenters (like me) mean well. But this is an incredibly difficult thing you're going through, and most people can't do it without help from a counsellor or psychologist. A good one, one who understands body and gender issues, one who will listen to you -- and treat you as a person. Because you are one.

Anonymous said...

You need to remember that the people who love you now, love you not your gender. You're kids would much rather have you than not. If you committed suicide and your daughters found out that you were Michelle and they didn't know it, they would say that they would rather have Michelle than nothing at all. Girls are much more accepting and your daughters will love you unconditionally.

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