Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Saturday Night New dress from Lip Service!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Saturday Night

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I am NOT transgender! My wife and I are constantly battling because she says that I cannot accept what I am. She has no doubt that most of my issues are due to my female desires. There are other issues not related to gender, but she is certain that they have been made much worse because I have never been able to be the person that I really am. I still think that this is mostly a fetish but she insists that a fetish would not involve shaving my arms, chest and lower stomach. I still cannot get past her wanting to cut her hair either. Yes, I would give anything to have hair like hers but the fact is that I still want to be WITH a girl with long beautiful hair. It is what I REALLY like and for some strange (sick) reason that is what I am comfortable with. Long hair has a very personal meaning to me. I know it is wrong, but it is a part of me that I have never been able to change. The problem is that I really don't want to change it. I don't really care about boobs, butts or how much she weighs. Hair, face and personality: IN THAT ORDER. Now I am crying because I know how sick this really sounds. I hate being ME. My wife told me that she wants to cut off 2 inches again and I am devastated that she does not see her hair as beautiful as I do. Yes, that is wrong on so many levels and I really feel like throwing up right now. Can't somebody find a way to fix me, please??????????? I am going to a new shrink today to see what she can try for meds again. I am severely depressed and secretly wish that somebody would just shove me to the other side and MAKE me be Michelle. I am so weak as a person and I am really getting hopeless that there will be a good outcome. My wife says "just go be Michelle if that will make you happy". I really wish I could but I really am nothing without her emotionally. Don't bother to bash my wife. She has given me EVERYTHING she can and she deserves to be happy too. This is killing her just as much as me. That little fact just adds to my guilt because I know that I am the cause of most of her emotional pain. She is a wonderful, loving, loyal and devoted wife and friend and I won't even let her cut 2 inches off her hair.

Now I am crying again and I can hear my wife say "stop crying and just do whatever you need to do to fix yourself". She keeps saying that she would rather see me happier as Michelle rather than this miserable as Bob.

I don't think I can be happy as Michelle if it means giving up my wife.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Battling depression again

It's been a few days since I posted anything but the past week has been really bad. The dis-connect from my wife is really getting to me. We have been talking a lot and I really think that she is right about me not being emotionally mature. We have both said that I have always taken care of her physically and she has always taken care of me emotionally. Right now I am struggling to survive because I really don't know who I am. She is absolutely convinced that Bob is gone forever and that a full transition is the only possible outcome for me. I joined the pinkessence site and have spent hours going through the profiles. It is really depressing because I feel that most of them really know exactly what they want. I am also really scared because I am finding so many girls that are really beautiful and it really bothers me that the only thing holding me back is the fact that I know that I will never look as good as they do. I know that is really shallow but I can't help how I feel about my physical presentation. I don't want to be a model or anything but I am crushed by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will never feel attractive. Don't bother telling me how superficial I am. I already know. That is my argument that I am NOT really a girl since a real girl would care more about the inside and the feelings. My wife gave me an article about a girl who transitioned at 26. Her main support came from her friends since her family abandoned her. I am afraid that I really don't even have girlfriends that could help me if I decide to transition. No matter what I do, it will be alone.