My Nightly walk

So I went to see my therapist on Tuesday night and I usually try to go as Michelle. I can now manage to get completely dressed with decent make-up in just under an hour. I got back to my place around 8 and I was really anxious about going for a walk as Michelle. I started taking a half hour walk every night because I really want to lose about 10 pounds and starving myself is not working. I have lost 10 pounds since November but I really want to lose another 9. I am 5'8 and would like to get to 150. Right now I am stuck at 159 and can't seem to get any lower so time for more active measures. I also feel like a slug lately because I really get no other regular exercise.

Ok, back to my walk. I decided to "man up" and take my usual walk as Michelle. My current place is in the city and not really a bad neighborhood but still a little bit scary at night. I was having a hard time because I wanted to keep up a fast pace but I also was consciously trying to walk like a girl. It is so hard to unlearn all my male traits. It was dark and I did not run into any other people on the street. I did avoid the 2 main city streets at the opposite ends of the block but I weaved back and forth between all the side streets and still had a good 30 minute walk.

I did have 2 very specific emotional / physical "a-ha" moments. The first emotion that i felt was about my hair. I must admit that I am a freak about long beautiful hair. My therapist and I both know that my obsession is a problem but it has ALWAYS been there. My own hair is nothing special so I have a few wigs that I really love. I actually only get fully dressed when I go out on Saturday and I know that it is not enough time to actually "get used to" my hair being long all the time. But on this night, I actually noticed the hair on the sides of my face as I walked and it really finally felt like a natural part of me. It just seemed right to me to push it back once in a while and I really felt like "this is me".

The second thought came near the end of my walk which is uphill. I do have fake breasts which I really love. Some people have told me that they are too big but I really like them. I use a medical adhesive so they do stay on pretty well. What I really noticed tonight was how much I enjoyed the feeling of them moving but being attached to me. They definitely moved while I walked and I really liked the thought of them being a permanent part of me.

Well unfortunately, once again these are very superficial and physical aspects of Michelle. I am really afraid that Michelle is nothing more than extreme OCD. My therapist says that there is way more to it than that but I still never feel like a normal girl. Most girls don't think twice about those things. I really wish I was like "most girls".