Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My Nightly walk

So I went to see my therapist on Tuesday night and I usually try to go as Michelle. I can now manage to get completely dressed with decent make-up in just under an hour. I got back to my place around 8 and I was really anxious about going for a walk as Michelle. I started taking a half hour walk every night because I really want to lose about 10 pounds and starving myself is not working. I have lost 10 pounds since November but I really want to lose another 9. I am 5'8 and would like to get to 150. Right now I am stuck at 159 and can't seem to get any lower so time for more active measures. I also feel like a slug lately because I really get no other regular exercise.

Ok, back to my walk. I decided to "man up" and take my usual walk as Michelle. My current place is in the city and not really a bad neighborhood but still a little bit scary at night. I was having a hard time because I wanted to keep up a fast pace but I also was consciously trying to walk like a girl. It is so hard to unlearn all my male traits. It was dark and I did not run into any other people on the street. I did avoid the 2 main city streets at the opposite ends of the block but I weaved back and forth between all the side streets and still had a good 30 minute walk.

I did have 2 very specific emotional / physical "a-ha" moments. The first emotion that i felt was about my hair. I must admit that I am a freak about long beautiful hair. My therapist and I both know that my obsession is a problem but it has ALWAYS been there. My own hair is nothing special so I have a few wigs that I really love. I actually only get fully dressed when I go out on Saturday and I know that it is not enough time to actually "get used to" my hair being long all the time. But on this night, I actually noticed the hair on the sides of my face as I walked and it really finally felt like a natural part of me. It just seemed right to me to push it back once in a while and I really felt like "this is me".

The second thought came near the end of my walk which is uphill. I do have fake breasts which I really love. Some people have told me that they are too big but I really like them. I use a medical adhesive so they do stay on pretty well. What I really noticed tonight was how much I enjoyed the feeling of them moving but being attached to me. They definitely moved while I walked and I really liked the thought of them being a permanent part of me.

Well unfortunately, once again these are very superficial and physical aspects of Michelle. I am really afraid that Michelle is nothing more than extreme OCD. My therapist says that there is way more to it than that but I still never feel like a normal girl. Most girls don't think twice about those things. I really wish I was like "most girls".


Laura said...

I can say like you I have some of those kind of traits. The long hair which is finalable to come around to the front of my face. The other is the fake breast. I had thought about doing some thing to make some grow but I have that dark fear of my female side.

Karen said...

Hi Michelle,
All I know is how I feel when I'm out. I smile a lot and will answer anyone who speaks to me. I've came across some really good people who don't seem to be bothered about my trans status and have treated me just like any other woman even though I would never pass in a million years. I've also had the idiots, but I just smile and walk on.
All I can say is try to enjoy who you are and make the best of what you have which is probably more than you realise.
Look after yourself.

Sage Fallon said...

A lot of what I've heard you describing sounds similar to many of my experiences. I wouldn't write it off as nothing just yet, I think there may be more to it than you realize. It's tough figuring things like this out, I know I went through so much doubt in myself for a long time. Do what makes you happy, in the end that's what really matters. There's always hope.

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