Thursday, August 26, 2010

Getting closer to the real me!!!!!

So this Saturday I got brave and actually went out without my wig! I went to see my sister and sister-in-law to ask them if my hair would "work". They both said yes so that is how I went out. I found that if I just let it dry and pull it forward that it is really pretty curly and very feminine. A few of the people at the club did not recognize me with short hair but everybody said they really liked it better than wearing a wig. I guess that is good since everybody really likes my wig too.

On Tuesday, I get to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have 2 appointments every week. I take the day off from work and use up my vacation and personal days. I went to my therapist at 6 and she was really surprised at how I looked and she told me that I was much more natural with my own hair. I always go to see her dressed but she did a double take when I walked in this week. She knows that I have an obsession with long hair and was really happy that I was now comfortable with my own hair even though is relatively short for a girl.

I also went to the mall again and had lunch at Friendly's by myself. It would be nice if I could find some friends so that I am not always by myself as Michelle. Oh well, something I will just need to get used to doing. I know that this will be a lonely life at least for a little while.

Ok, not much else to talk about so bye for now!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Vanity Kills

Michelle is forcing her way out from under what is left of Bob. Tonight I asked my sister-in-law to trim my hair and get rid of the gray. I colored my hair for the first time in 44 years and I love it! Nothing silly, just a nice brown again that is now shiny and looks alive again. The gray was just so blah and really depressed me. She asked how much length to take off and I said NONE. Yes, I was asking the impossible but she managed to even it up so now I can scrunch it and leave it messy and it looks pretty close to a girl! I can still brush it back and get away with it for Bob. It is getting long now (my wife really hates it), just to my neck and is starting to curl out at the back. I can't wait for it to get longer. About another 2 years and it will be where I really want it. Just past my bra strap is perfect for me.

She also did my eyebrows for me again and this time I asked to make it more obvious and girly. It makes such a big difference in my whole face and it really was worth it.

I really need to stop spending money for a while too. I have bought a LOT of things the past 6 months. Right now I have 2 dresses and a pair of shoes on the way and 1 dress I got 2 weeks ago that I have not worn. I bought myself a real corset and I am so happy with it. I was afraid it would not work but it really does. I bought a size 26 when it is laced up completely closed and I can get it down to 28 inches for me, normally a fat 34 with a gut hanging out. SOMEBODY TAKE MY CREDIT CARD AWAY! I think Michelle is trying to make up for so much lost opportunity.

Ok so now on to a more serious subject. As of this Tuesday, I am officially on hormones! Yay (I think...?), Yes "Yay". Stop doubting what all the shrinks have told you and go with your heart. I have been on Spironolactone 200mg and Finasteride 5mg for almost 9 weeks now. On Tuesday, I started Estradiol 2mg. Hopefully I won't get too emotional since my depression is still very much an issue.

The other serious issue is the divorce. It still does not seem real to either of us since neither of us really wanted it to come to this. We are talking to lawyers and splitting things up. My wife is having a very difficult time and I have nothing I can offer her. Right now Michelle is a huge priority and she is devastated that she is no longer first in my life. I still love her but I really feel that she deserves to be set free.

Ok now my thoughts are kind of wandering and I don't really know how to finish so I guess I will quit for tonight.

Monday, August 16, 2010

A pretty crappy 2 weeks

Well, I have not posted for a while. Things are really kinda ugly right now. The week that my wife was gone seemed to be good with the kids until Sunday night when we were supposed to pick her up at the airport. On Friday, I told my kids that the entire house was a mess and that it would NOT look like that when their mother got home Sunday night. Of course Sunday came and then they were in a scramble because they refused to start earlier. Things were going well (sort of) until it got to 3:30 and there was still a pile of shoes under the kitchen table and a pile of clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I lost it and really started yelling so of course they all got really upset and later told their mother that I had been yelling at them for the entire 4 days. At least my youngest rescued me and said that it was only Sunday night when things got out of hand. Then it got worse because at 10 minutes to 4 I laid on the couch waiting for my oldest to get ready to go to the airport. Next thing I know, she is yelling at me because it is now 4:20 and I fell asleep. The plane lands at 4:37 and the airport is 25 minutes away. My wife was absolutely devastated when we were not standing there to greet her. All her friends families were there and I was 5 minutes late. That started a small argument between us and the kids got really upset again. Four good days shot to hell in the last 2 hours.

The rest of the week was ok but we had decided to tell the kids about our final decision to divorce this Sunday. That went real well (not).

Other things have changed this week too. On Wednesday I finally got a chance to tell my wife that I WOULD be starting hormones soon. The first thing she said was "I hate you". She didn't really mean it but she was just very hurt and angry. I have taken away the man that she married and she will never have that again. She is very upset that I will not cut my hair and really needs to know exactly what my plans are. The kids are embarrassed by me and she feels that I am ignoring their feelings about it. She says that I should suffer and wear a wig if I need to. Their feelings should come first but Michelle just always does whatever she wants and the rest of the family should deal with it.

So now on to the real difficulty. For whatever reason, I really want to start hormones. Not really sure what I will get from it and I am still afraid that I am just sliding down this hill instead of fixing the real issues. Both my wife and brother think that the real issue is the fact that I have never liked being "Bob". I know logically that there is nothing wrong with Bob, but there are definitely those issues there. I had a depression attack on Thursday and ended up in the private office at my meds doctor. She told me that I am definitely much more comfortable as Michelle than as Bob and that really scares me because I know it is true. I don't seem to like being the person that I am, but nobody else seems to like the person that I think I am.

So now I am depressed again and don't feel like talking anymore. Still a lot of other stuff to tell but maybe later I will feel up to it again.