Sunday, September 26, 2010

I hate switching back and forth.......

It is Sunday morning and I have things to do so I must once again take off Michelle from last night and put her away. I went out last night and wore the dress I posted here. It seems to work for the girls which is what I want. I had at least 5 girls come up to me and ask about the dress. I was happy to talk to new people again. I really liked the way I looked last night too. I like to wear makeup and I think that I am getting pretty good at it. I was dressed by 5 o'clock yesterday so I went to the store to get my prescriptions and was a little annoyed because the pharmacist called me "Bob" when I was clearly not dressed as a Bob. Granted he did not know that I prefer Michelle but I was standing right there so he really did not have to mention a name at all. I was the only one there so I would have known he was talking to me. Still he was very non judgmental. I picked up Spironolactone and Estradiol and he knew exactly what they were for especially considering I was dressed as Michelle. DUH! It was still early when I got back so I went to the grocery store for some things. Each time I could tell that I was just kind of hanging out because I am really getting comfortable being out in public as Michelle. I used to feel like the world was looking at me but now I don't care.


Sorry for yelling but this morning I am really depressed. I have been lazy and when I get home I don't take off my face until the morning. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see Michelle in the mirror. Yes, I know that Michelle is more than just makeup but I really prefer my face that way. It really surprises me how good it still looks on the morning. It just really hurts because I like my hair this way and my face just seems right like this. I took off one half of my face this morning and it really took an effort to take off the other half.

I am also getting really nervous and near the point of no return. My boobs are definitely starting to change. They really hurt all the time and my sister said that she noticed them yesterday when I was in "bob" mode. She said that they are definitely "pointy". I am happy and scared at the same time.

I am also having a really hard time with the whole "passing" issue. To me it IS the goal. If I can't look like a girl then I will not succeed. The people at the club are a little different because they are simply more accepting to start with. I met a really gorgeous 26 year old last night: long, straight black hair, glasses and a really cool skull tattoo on her chest.
What I am finding is that most of the girls I meet including these new girls last night is that they do not see me as different. I try not to talk about my "issues" because I just want to be a regular girl. Last night I said that I was a little different from the other girls and she said "I see nothing different about you at all". She really did seem to be pretty accepting and sincere about it. It was really a nice feeling.

On to another issue: hormones. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any emotionally different after a month on Estradiol. Well this week I doubled it to 4mg a day and holy crap I cry at everything. My wife just called and we got into a big emotional discussion and I just could not stop sobbing. I know she is hurting too and that is really difficult for me to accept since I am the cause.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on here with no real thought process so I guess I will just end now.

thanks for listening


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