Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I am NOT transgender! My wife and I are constantly battling because she says that I cannot accept what I am. She has no doubt that most of my issues are due to my female desires. There are other issues not related to gender, but she is certain that they have been made much worse because I have never been able to be the person that I really am. I still think that this is mostly a fetish but she insists that a fetish would not involve shaving my arms, chest and lower stomach. I still cannot get past her wanting to cut her hair either. Yes, I would give anything to have hair like hers but the fact is that I still want to be WITH a girl with long beautiful hair. It is what I REALLY like and for some strange (sick) reason that is what I am comfortable with. Long hair has a very personal meaning to me. I know it is wrong, but it is a part of me that I have never been able to change. The problem is that I really don't want to change it. I don't really care about boobs, butts or how much she weighs. Hair, face and personality: IN THAT ORDER. Now I am crying because I know how sick this really sounds. I hate being ME. My wife told me that she wants to cut off 2 inches again and I am devastated that she does not see her hair as beautiful as I do. Yes, that is wrong on so many levels and I really feel like throwing up right now. Can't somebody find a way to fix me, please??????????? I am going to a new shrink today to see what she can try for meds again. I am severely depressed and secretly wish that somebody would just shove me to the other side and MAKE me be Michelle. I am so weak as a person and I am really getting hopeless that there will be a good outcome. My wife says "just go be Michelle if that will make you happy". I really wish I could but I really am nothing without her emotionally. Don't bother to bash my wife. She has given me EVERYTHING she can and she deserves to be happy too. This is killing her just as much as me. That little fact just adds to my guilt because I know that I am the cause of most of her emotional pain. She is a wonderful, loving, loyal and devoted wife and friend and I won't even let her cut 2 inches off her hair.

Now I am crying again and I can hear my wife say "stop crying and just do whatever you need to do to fix yourself". She keeps saying that she would rather see me happier as Michelle rather than this miserable as Bob.

I don't think I can be happy as Michelle if it means giving up my wife.


Claire L Hallam said...

Michelle, you have to take control of your self-esteem. You are not the cause of all the troubles in the world, and you are very unlikely to be "sick". Getting into those thought patterns is self destructive.
However you are in a tough place at the moment, but others have been there before. There is no perfect solution, you and your wife will need to work it through. For some like me it meant finding a compromise that me and my partner could live with- for me this was possible. For others it is not, but you cannot expect someone else to push you or direct you.
Whatever will be your eventual path, at the moment you sound very fragile. Your shrink will help you better than I can. My advice is do not try and solve everything in one day. Why not try to work out a joint solution for just the next month, then see if you are both happier or not. Keep talking and working at it and try to get to a calmer state of mind if you can. Then see how you both are in a month. Your wife wants you to be happy, so talk it through. You may stay together, you may part, but neither option makes you sick or bad, if you have been honest with yourself and wife, then that makes you honorable. I really hope you guys work it out honey, but don't expect to solve everything in one go- you'll only get frustrated, and caught like a rabbit in the headlights. Love Claire xxx

dgmoo said...

I have to say...at our age, women tend to like shorter hair. It's easier to care for (coloring, doing, brushing) especially when you have a busy schedule. And white hair, even when colored, tends to break and make your hair look bad. I know you like it, but truth is, even as a married couple, she can do what she likes to her own body...and I know if it were me, and my husband were telling me not to do something, I'd want to do it even more. Sounds harsh, but it's true.

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