Sunday, February 27, 2011

So confused

Ok so I haven't complained in a while so time for some random thoughts again. I think that I am looking over the cliff but just can't seem to make that final leap. Who or what am I????? I am so confused because when I get to be Michelle, I feel totally comfortable with the way I look and feel. It always seems right to me no matter how many odd looks I get. I know that it is still the purely physical aspect of Michelle but it always feels like the right version that I want to show to the rest of the world.

I really want to talk to my oldest daughter about this but my wife is still dead set against it. I understand her reasons because of all the other issues in the family that are causing stress right now but it is getting harder and harder for me to switch back and forth all the time. I am beginning to wonder if my neighbors are noticing that I come home from work as Bob and then sometimes leave again as Michelle 20 minutes later. This weekend I went out Saturday night and had to be back home for my daughter on Sunday so I came home from the club at 3 am and left the house again as bob at 3:30 am.

We were talking Sunday and my wife asked me "are you a girl?". I said yes and she freaked out. She started crying. Told me that I had promised her 7 years ago that this was not the case. I have wasted the last 7 years of her life(since I told her). I freaked out too. What does that statement mean. My therapist tells me that I am NOT a male. There are too many emotional attachments to Michelle. It is not some sort of fetish and it IS the REAL me. If that is the case then why am I so terrified of it.

When I was at the club this weekend, I noticed there were a lot of couples and it really made me sad to think that nobody will ever want to feel close to me again. I may never find someone that can look at me as Michelle and want to be with me emotionally. And what do I have to offer anybody else? My wife tells me that Michelle is selfish and that she has lost respect for me because of the decisions I make as Michelle. "Michelle does not love Donna" and "she proves it over and over again". What kind of person is Michelle? Michelle is the kind of person who gets upset because she can't go out on Saturday night because of some other family obligation. What the hell is that all about? Nobody else has any kind of emotional attachment and from what I can tell nobody ever will. Think about all the "baggage" I bring to a relationship. Screwed up childhood, 3 young girls, a woman who has been attached at the hip for the last 28 years and oh yeah I am willing to cut off my private parts just so that it will look better in a pair of tight jeans.

There is so much that seems screwed up on the inside and I am afraid that I am spending too much time worrying about the outside. Michelle will still have "most" of the same responsibilities as bob. In reality, my wife will have most of the burden and all of the difficulties with the girls. And how will the girls react? My oldest is already being difficult because I told her that I am going to change my hair to red. She is really upset about that for some reason forgetting that she cannot stand my hair at all anyways. My youngest asked me yesterday is she could play with my "long, girly hair". My middle daughter will be VERY angry and probably won't speak to me for weeks if I tell them. I am also not sure how my brother is going to feel about his kids because I will be moving into his house in the next few weeks. He has already told me that he does not want his daughter to "find out" about me somehow and then have to keep the secret from my own girls. G is only 5 and does come downstairs once in a while. How do we explain "aunt bob" to a 5 year old? School is also a big deal for my oldest. What if this news completely screws her up for the rest of the school year?

I am also really screwed up at work right now. My brain and my heart are just not there anymore. I had a MAJOR panic attack last week because things that I thought were finally fixed at work were STILL the same old major issues. I absolutely lost all confidence in any of abilities and really collapsed inside myself. Things were so bad that my wife made me call my shrink at 9 at night because I was having a lot of bad thoughts. She put me on a new drug that stops the panic attacks somehow. How did I get here? Who is this person? Where is the very competent IT professional who could solve any issue? NOT HERE!!!! This person does not deserve to keep his job. The new guys are running circles around me skills wise. It is not hopeless because I am supposed to be moving away from the tech aspect and toward the management role instead. The problem is that I don't have any control over my own life at all so how do I control a group of 5 people?

I cry all the time now. I am freaking out a little because I think that my breasts are getting just big enough where someone will notice now. On the one hand I want them to get bigger but I also know that the bigger they get, the farther it pushes my wife away.

Holy crap, this blog is just a royal mess. My brain is just all over the place lately and I don't see it getting any better anytime soon.

Somebody stop the ride! I want to get off. I can't do this life anymore.


Kevin Patrick Mendez said...

I understand that I in no way know you personally, but I just wanted to express how much I admire your courage and your strength while you're going through this rather difficult time. From the view point of a male, not transgender nor transsexual, I never really thought of how difficult this could be for someone. You enlightened me on the fact that you're just trying to be you. You're just trying to be the best you, you can be and alot of peers think that its wrong, for absolutely no reason. I think alot of people, transgendered and not, could learn from you and your experiences.
Alot of us tend to forget or 'give up' on things we are told we can't have (or we can't be), and thank you for being an example. An example that know one can do more things for you, than you. NO one will get ANYWHERE if they can't look into themselves and try there damnest to get whats right and whats good.
Congratulations on this new chapter of your life and continue to share your life, your experiences.
Best Wishes.

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