Thursday, July 7, 2011

A little clarification on the current state of me

So I got a couple of comments from my last blog and they both say that it is obvious that the whole Michelle thing is NOT working for me. While I greatly appreciate my life may seem completely irrational, the fact is that Michelle DOES work very well for me. The difficulty comes in switching back and forth all the time. I am happy as Michelle in lots of other places other than the club. While I realize that it is my one and only absolute safe place, I am totally comfortable in the real world. I really don't care about the odd looks I get because in the end I am the one who has to look in the mirror every day. The 2 or 3 second interactions that I may have with the non-believers out there are not enough to make Michelle go away.

Now the family is an entirely different matter. I still have a VERY strong connection to my wife and kids. I am struggling with the impact that I am having on them. I know that they are going to hate Michelle at first. They may never forgive me. It is this loss of connection that is driving me crazy. This is the major cause for all my wishy-washy flip-flopping feelings. If not for my family, Michelle would have been the major part of my daily life. It is just so hard now because I cannot just give up my family and walk away from all those responsibilities. Both my younger daughters play soccer now so that means being in 2 places at the same time. My wife cannot do that alone. Bob cannot just disappear because Michelle wants some face time.

This is where the real conflict lies. Both my therapists tell me that I AM Michelle. I am NOT male at my core. I am much happier and content with myself as Michelle. They tell me that this does not mean that Bob has to be killed off. This is where the real fear comes in. How do I switch gears and start living as Michelle without losing everything that Bob is? Bob has everything while Michelle has nothing except for a few good friends. People keep telling me that Michelle WILL gain all of those other things back but that it will take some time for the Bob life to adjust to Michelle.

Ok so now I'm not sure where is was going because I got interrupted by work so I guess that I will end here. Please continue to comment. I greatly appreciate and will publish any and all responses whether you agree with my decisions or not.

Love you all


Anonymous said...

If you reread my comment, you will notice that I did not say it was obvious that "the whole Michelle thing" is not working for you. I asked questions. I wondered about alternatives to full-on sex change.

Only you know whether this is right for you. Certainly not me. And this is important: Your threapists don't know either. Whether one or both of them think you are really Michelle is worth more than whether I do, but it's worth much, much less than whether you thing and feel so. They do not know! Only you know.

You are the only one who can know. You are the only one who is responsible for your own decisions. You are the one who will live with the consequences of whatever you choose. It's your life.

I changed sex because it was obvious to me that I had to. It took a long time to become obvious to me, and there was some anxiety leading up to that certainty, but once I knew, I knew. As much as I loved my very long time partner, fixing me came first. I was lucky that she decided to stay. And we do not have children. I understand and support your sense of responsibility. I know nothing of what it's like to have my own children.

But really, once I knew, I knew. And I never looked back. But I would never have proceeded unless I had been certain -- both in my head and in my heart.

Notice also that in my last comment, I wished you happiness. And I do again, however you decide.

Lady Jane said...

Wow. Very well put. For whatever it's worth, I am going through the exact same thing. I am Jane, but my male persona has feet firmly planted in the world that are hard to uproot without hurting the ones I love. And it is tough to switch back and forth which is why Jane hasn't been around for a while. I have a lot of male-centric activities this summer (including a boys only baseball road trip with my two sons and some work with a civic organization whose name I will keep secret because they don't like people like us) and I can't deal with the stress of switching it on and off.

So hang in there girl, but you will have to make a "no look back" decision at some point (like me) whether it be to remain as Bob, become Michelle, or find some happy middle ground.

Becca said...

As Lady Jane says there will have to come a point that you make a 'no look back' decisiom. Clearly this flip/flop life isn;t working for you - and I can't believe its helping your family. There will be challenges ahead for sure, and you will possibly hurt those who love you - but no one said transition was easy - else we would have all done it by now. You just need to believe that 'fixing' you is the right decision. I think the last thing that anyone would want would be for you to spend the rest of your life unhappy wondering what if !

You have come a long way - keep the faith


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