Friday, May 27, 2011

Just some random thoughts again

It has been a while since I wrote so I think that I should share how things are going. I cannot say that things have been getting better but they are really not getting any worse either. I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Gaby and we talk for hours. I love her to death. She makes me cry, she makes me laugh and she is at times brutally honest. She really is a great friend to me right now. I really think that her honesty and no-nonsense personality have really been a reality check for me. She is helping me to just live my life as a real person rather than someone with "issues". We have dinner together, we go out to the store and we just hang out like regular girls. After all this time she still listens to the same old crap over and over again. I know it is frustrating but I hope she realizes that I appreciate her just being there for me. Letting go of my wife is an agonizing process but she really is helping me to move on. I know it is a little too slow for her liking but it IS really happening. 28 years of being together is just really hard to let go of especially when we both still love each other. Gaby usually reads my blog so I hope that she does not mind me mentioning her. She is very private person and I do not want to betray her trust in any way. All I really want to say is that we could all use our own "Gaby" to help us once in a while.

Ok on to some other thoughts. Along the lines of a "normal" life, I have to say that this week has been pretty good for me. I had a dr appt on Tuesday and I had my therapy. I went out to dinner by myself but I really felt like just another girl. I am really starting to feel like just a normal person. Not "trans", not different, not weird but just like a real human being and a normal girl most of the time. I had a good time shopping Tuesday. I am really looking for clothes that I "could" wear to work just in case it happens soon. The scary thing is that work really is looking like a possibility. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I work in IT but I am in middle management so I should be able to wear some really nice dresses to work. I can hardly wait until the day when I can wear a cute pair of sandals and I can actually carry my purse to work and leave them under my desk. Kind of a silly thought but I have told many of the girls here that I am jealous of that simple luxury. It is different for me because I pay attention to the cubicles and the girls are very different. It is very easy to tell which cubes are for the girls. Here I am again paying attention to all the silly superficial stuff but it really is the small things that I notice.

Ok, different subject. Told you this would be random thoughts......
So I follow a few different blogs and I am really amazed at the huge differences between each of them. This group has so many different ranges and emotions and struggles. I get worried when someone goes silent for a while while others seem to have something to say every day. The thought that I have right now deals with the fact that some people always seem to think that they are more trans than others. We do not fit into neat categories. I hate these sliding scales that people use to determine who is tg, ts, tv, cd or whatever. I am not looking for any sort of debate and I could care less about all those facts out there. The truth is, your definitions may not fit me. We are human beings. We are biological creatures. We have similarities but we are NOT the same no matter how you try to compare us. Some will argue this exact point in that they are X and I am Y, but the point is that there is no value to these comparisons. We all have struggles. We all have issues. I may think that my issues are unique to me but that will never give me the right to judge somebody else with regards to their issues. As I read all these blogs, I just want to take it ALL in and create my opinions and reality based on the combination of them. I cannot sit here an say that I have a favorite blogger or someone who I think is right all the time. Nobody is so smart that they can have all the answers all the time. If we are lucky, we may have an experience that is close enough so that someone else may recognize something similar in their own experience and hopefully they can gain something in the process. Hopefully the people who read my blog have realized by now that this is all that I am really hoping for with my own blog. Nothing I say is gospel. Nothing I say is any better than anybody else. This is just my own form of therapy since it allows me to talk about just about anything and everything related to Michelle.

Ok sorry about the soapbox. Kind of got away from me there. Nothing else to say so I guess I will just end here. I think that Gaby and I are going to the movies tonight. Maybe dinner and the club later for a drink.

Thanks for listening

2 comments:

Sarah Murphy said...

Sounds like Gaby is a really true friend. You are blessed to know her. And her likewise.

Starting to feel like a "normal" person. That really strikes a chord.

You're right. I'll have to post something soon.

Hang in there girl, it'll all work out in the end.

Sarah

Calie said...

You're lucky to Gaby, Michelle.

Amen to your "blogs" paragraph.

Calie

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