Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Soooooo tired of this life!

Ok, so let me start off by saying that I am really, really physically tired all the time. I don't know what is wrong with me. All my friends tell me that I sleep way too much but no matter what I always feel physically drained and exhausted. I take Trazadone to help me stay asleep and it does work. It actually makes it very difficult to wake up in the morning but without it, my body just cannot relax enough to fall asleep. Being so tired is also making it very difficult for me emotionally. I had 2 major "episodes" last week where I called my friend crying and almost suicidal. My life is a mess and I am having a hard time moving forward. I hate feeling this way. My doctors seem to think that I am past the major depression and sometimes I think they are right but then these issues keep coming up and I just cannot see how my life will ever be any better. My wife is having health problems and I feel terrible for not being there for her. We are planning to tell my girls about me in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that I am making the wrong choice. I went to Best Buy as Michelle this week and actually had 3 sales people look at me and then turn the other way. What kind of life is that? I am totally comfortable at the club as Michelle, but that simply is not the real world. I JUST WANT TO FIT IN AND BE COMFORTABLE. AYYYGGGGGGGGGGGG, I am getting so frustrated just trying to put my thoughts into this blog. What the hell am I doing. What kind of life could I possible have as Michelle. No emotional attachments. No connections with the real world. Just this little fantasy life that I have in my head. Why can I not be happy as Bob???????? Why do I love strappy sandals and purple blouses that feel so nice. Why do I like my face so much better with make-up? Why why why???? Just go away! I am sick of feeling like such a non-person. I had a very real life with a wife who loved everything about Bob and I am just throwing it all away for some stupid fantasy.

Blah, blah, blah stop flip flopping back and forth. Michelle is fighting to survive. I made this choice so just live with it and go on with your life somehow.


I AM SO SICK OF THIS LIFE AND CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

It should be beyond obvious to you by now that what you are doing is not only NOT working out for you OR your family but it is causing you and your family SEVERE DISTRESS.

Why not consider alternatives like being Michelle on the week-ends and rockin' out at your favorite clubs and being Bob, the rest of the time.

Might be worth a try. You might even think about backng off the estrogen. Testosterone ROCKS!

Best wishes,

Anne

Ariel said...

You monitor comments, so you don't have to publish this. I feel bad reading this entry. I know that other recent entries have been more positive, but this seems like something you have to deal with.

Not everyone is supposed to change sex. Not everyone is supposed to go down that road. You say that you are happy being Michelle in the club. That's always been so. Yes, it's very different out in the real world. Are you sure you shouldn't just be Michelle on weekends at the club? And keep the rest of your life, which it certainly seems you don't want to lose? I don't know if it's too late for that, but hopefully not. You don't have to lose Michelle. You just don't have to be Michelle all the time.

I really hope you can work things out so that you can be happy.

Becca said...

I am sorry to hear you finding things tough at the moment. Letting go of the old life, but still feeling the tug of the ties from that life must be very hard. Despite the hard times though I think from your previous posts that you are happy as Michelle - I am not sure that going back to the old ways is really going to help - well not you anyway.

I am sure its a struggle trying to integrate with people outside of the 'safe areas' but its all about confidence (hard to gain I know). Without confidence you get read - and obviously that makes it harder. How different would it have been if you had said 'excuse me' as the first sales person turned away - as you would have done if you were in 'guy' mode. You are still you however you present - you need to remember that.

Don't give up - others have been in your position and come out stronger. Why should you be any different ?

Dont give up hope and belief.

Becca

Becca

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