Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Wife is struggling

So the last few weeks have been very difficult for me and my wife. We have managed to close off a little bit more of the emotional attachments but life is still no easier. We still see each other every day and it is difficult to maintain a strictly platonic relationship without any emotion. She says that she cannot continue on like this and needs to get on with her life. I continue to abandon her every Saturday night to go out and she feels completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of the kids. We are in the middle of another major crisis because I colored my hair again but this time I made it red like I have always wanted. She absolutely lost it saying that all the previous years I was just trying to mold her into what i wanted and never really loved her at all. (She used to have red hair because I really liked it) It was just another thing that Michelle just does without thinking about any other people. Now she is upset because we are planning a trip this weekend with her mother and she will ask all sorts of questions about my hair. (she knows nothing about Michelle) My wife is upset because I do not value her enough to inform her of all my choices. I really should have realized that she was going to be upset about it. She is really upset about me wanting my ears pierced too. I promised her that I would tell her before I do that even though it is killing me not being able to get it done. Work is also a reason for not doing it not just my wife.

I am so emotionally drained because of the constant highs and lows every day. Yesterday was my therapy day and I managed to get ready before my appointment. I was absolutely thrilled with the way I looked and I really felt great last night. My sister and I went out to dinner and I was feeling so comfortable and sure of myself. I did not want the night to end because I knew that this morning would be right back to the misery. Well it was. My wife is still very upset today and I started crying again this morning because she is so upset about our situation. It is very difficult since I know that I am the cause of all the problems.

Ok, time to switch gears. I am so tired of being negative all the time and I am sure that you are tired of reading about all my crap. I know that I am on the right path. Last night I really felt like the right version of me. I really love my hair and I really felt good about how I looked. I don't have that with Bob. Bob is blah. Michelle is alive. My friend angela still tells me that I am "on the fence" because I am having a hard time letting go of my old life. But I know in my heart that I will be full-time within this year. I will conquer work and I will get back to the very competent IT professional I was 5 years ago but it will be as Michelle.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Seeking advice on how to tell my wife. Or should I surmise that she already suspects?

Michelle Marie said...

@Anonymous,
first make sure that you have decided what you are. There is a saying that I ahve seen over and over: the difference between a cross-dresser and a transexual is just 2 years. Where are you in the spectrum and make sure that you can tell her the differences. She WILL panic and likely expect that you WILL transition eventually. DO NOT TELL HER THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE. That would be a lie since you may not yet know where you are headed.
My only other suggestion: tell her NOW. DO NOT WAIT. There will never be a "good" time and she will hate you for lying to her up to this point. Yes, she will consider your omissions about yourself to be a lie to her.

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