Today seems to be a really bad day. Not that any have been good lately. Yesterday I started to cry because I was extremely jealous of my wife. I love her hair and would give anything to have real hair like hers. She hates it because of me. I have always been a fanatic about her hair and she would love to cut it off.

Today I started to cry sitting at the gas station because I saw this absolutely gorgeous woman getting gas. She was a beautiful blond with long hair and a cute white shirt with a black vest. She looked about 40 something and definitely a mom but still drop dead gorgeous to me. I was overwhelmed with jealousy knowing that I could never be anything like her.

I miss my wife terribly but I cannot let go of the girly things that I love. I want to go home tonight and fix my toe nails. I want to get dressed and go for a walk as Michelle.

My stomach has been queasy for 2 days now because my wife says we should "talk" this weekend about what we are going to do. It has been 3 months now and she wants to resolve our separation.

All I could think of this morning was the show "Ghost Whisperer" with Jennifer Love Hewitt. At the end of every show, the ghost walks off into the distance and just disappears.

I am really to the point where I just want to disappear into the background and never show up again.

Lots of stuff going on I guess. I called my kids last night to say goodnight and all hell was breaking loose at my house. My two older girls were screaming at each other. One packed her stuff and was going to run away. My youngest was on the phone with me and trying not to cry. She keeps saying "you come home now, you not here" over and over. My family is falling apart. They are all very sad and upset including my wife who is struggling to keep things together.

She is pretty sure that the girls are struggling today because they saw us being affectionate. We hugged a few times and actually sat next to each other friday. The girls tell us that they are confused by this. I know I am being selfish but being Michelle does not change my feelings for my wife. I still want to be close to her and I know that is extremely unfair to her. I started to cry this morning as I watched her leave the house. Not sure why. I just really felt like I was letting her down because I am not helping her with the girls. I get to be off doing my own thing while she tries to juggle girl scouts, baseball, homework and doctor appointments.

Now the hard part: I was really looking forward to getting dressed tonight. I really need the practice. I wanted to last night but I was really tired and went to bed at 8:30. My wife was really annoyed that I had that luxury. She knew she would be up til at least ten with my oldest daughter. It still takes me a while, more than an hour but I wasn't really in a hurry anyway. I had no place to go and I did some laundry too. I was pretty happy with the way things turned out. My face was ok tonight. I did notice that the new eyeliner I bought was smudging below my eyes. I don't remember the old one doing that. I'll have to make sure to get the other one. I barely had it on 2 hours tonight and it started to look messy. Funny how I don't ever notice my wife having those problems. Then again she rarely uses a lot of makeup.

So my difficulty comes in the fact that I am completely comfortable being dressed and catching my reflection in the kitchen window. I cannot shake the guilt from knowing that I should be at home with my wife and girls. This life right now is such a little fantasy and it does not seem real. I don't do anything at night. Michelle does not have this great social calendar. It seems pretty pathetic to spend an hour and a half just to sit around the house for at most 2 hours. Then I scrub off Michelle and go to bed or I sit here on this silly blog for about an hour.

I am really starting to worry about work too. I honestly get about 3 hours of productive work done and then my brain is just mush. I am going to see a new shrink to try some other meds again. I think that the one I am seeing now has just given up and does not know anything else to try. When I first started seeing her, she was not really sold on the whole trans idea. She knows all about my family and really thought it was just depression. When I told her that I had moved out to try being the Michelle I think that she decided (like my therapist) that maybe my depression cannot be changed by drugs. The meds help a little but the ultimate answer lies elsewhere. They are both pushing hard toward Michelle as the obvious outcome. Obvious to everyone but me. They both say that Michelle will not fix everything but they don't see me surviving as I am now. Michelle will have all the issues that Bob has. Bob has a great life and I really hope that I can make the right choices and can be happy again some day. My wife is certain that I have been unhappy my entire life and I cannot argue against it.

So I just thought I would share a detail. Today is the anniversary of my wife and I starting to date. We have been together 27 years now and I refuse to believe that it is not the best way for me continue my life. Michelle has destroyed everything that we had and I hate her for that.

So I guess I should put myself out here. I got dressed tonight just to practice with stuff. I really hate my face. My neck and chin are all wrong. I really hate pictures of myself. I think I look ok when I move around. I notice myself in the mirrors and reflections in the windows look ok to me. I REALLY hate pictures. No matter how hard I try, I always look miserable. Taking a really big chance here since there is nothing to stop people from pulling this picture off my blog. Oh well, life already sucks, 1 picture can't do much more. Hopefully it won't fall into the wrong hands and embarrass my family.

My therapist says that I look like a girl but I really don't see it. Of course, what else is she going to say anyway.

Sorry, I chickened out and removed the picture. I can't risk my family.

Long article but it seems to fit. I cried, I laughed. Is this really me?

http://leandra.vicci.us/acceptance.htm

Ok, so this is going to be all over the place but i just have so much going on in my head that I don't know how to make any sense of it all

So is this my life now? Sitting up every night looking at blogs and hoping to find others like me? I get really depressed because I torture myself watching other trans girls on you-tube. I watch them and they are so sure of what they are and they really do seem to be like real girls. So many of them seem to "fit" into their new life. My problem is that I cannot just throw away who I have been for the last 40 years. I have 3 great kids that really need a "dad".

My therapist and my wife are both absolutely certain that my life as Bob is over. They both say that Michelle and Bob are battling to survive and that Michelle always wins. Why am I not strong enough to control these Michelle urges? My wife is pulling back all her emotions because she can't afford to hope anymore. I am absolutely devastated without any emotional connection to her. My therapist says that I have never been an independent person because my wife and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We have grown up almost as one person and now there is no "bob" to go back to without her. Even with this lack of "bob", I cannot shake the fear that Michelle is no more of a real person. And Michelle has NOTHING in terms of family, friends or any other emotional connections. How do I start a life as Michelle when I have absolutely no sense of self either as male or female? (5 years of therapy and this is where I'm at - nowhere)

I haven't slept next to my wife for almost 3 months now. Every night I turn off the light in my room and feel really stupid for being here alone instead of laying next to her. I don't mind being alone. It's not like I need someone there next to me. The problem is that it feels really wrong that SHE is not there. She keeps saying that "I left her". She did not leave even after Michelle got Bob's wedding ring stolen. Yes that's right and she will never forgive me for that. It's not that I feel guilty but it just seems like I am hurting her for all the wrong reasons. She has done everything she can to deal with Michelle. I hate myself for abandoning her and the girls.

I am going in circles again and this is just so much crap.

Ok just one more example of my pathetic obsessive tendencies. As I was driving home from work the other night, I noticed 2 women in the car behind me. First off I was jealous because I liked the way she had her hair pulled back and I could see her earrings. I never wear earrings. Then I noticed how they were just laughing and talking and seemed to be just enjoying a normal life. I realized that I would never have that level of comfort and simple satisfaction just "being" a girl. For the rest of my life, it will always be "different".

So I guess that I should give a little background. Today was a really bad day. It is Saturday and I usually stay with my kids on friday night. I moved out of my house back on january 23 and have been "living" with my sister in order to figure out what I really need from Michelle. So far I must admit that life really sucks. But the hard part is my wife of 17 years. We have been together since high school (actually 26 years now). We have grown up together and I have never been with anyone else. I told her about Michelle 6 years ago and she has tried to make it work but for her this is the end and she is very hurt and angry. I am having a very difficult time because I still need her but she says that she can't do it anymore. I am not her husband anymore. She says that I can't be that person anymore and that is the person she needs. I don't want to be this person. Being Michelle destroys everything that I have. My kids deserve a normal father and my wife deserves a real man and not an emotional basket-case. I don't fit in with my wife anymore and it is the worst feeling in the world.

Michelle brings me nothing but misery.

So I went to see my therapist on Tuesday night and I usually try to go as Michelle. I can now manage to get completely dressed with decent make-up in just under an hour. I got back to my place around 8 and I was really anxious about going for a walk as Michelle. I started taking a half hour walk every night because I really want to lose about 10 pounds and starving myself is not working. I have lost 10 pounds since November but I really want to lose another 9. I am 5'8 and would like to get to 150. Right now I am stuck at 159 and can't seem to get any lower so time for more active measures. I also feel like a slug lately because I really get no other regular exercise.

Ok, back to my walk. I decided to "man up" and take my usual walk as Michelle. My current place is in the city and not really a bad neighborhood but still a little bit scary at night. I was having a hard time because I wanted to keep up a fast pace but I also was consciously trying to walk like a girl. It is so hard to unlearn all my male traits. It was dark and I did not run into any other people on the street. I did avoid the 2 main city streets at the opposite ends of the block but I weaved back and forth between all the side streets and still had a good 30 minute walk.

I did have 2 very specific emotional / physical "a-ha" moments. The first emotion that i felt was about my hair. I must admit that I am a freak about long beautiful hair. My therapist and I both know that my obsession is a problem but it has ALWAYS been there. My own hair is nothing special so I have a few wigs that I really love. I actually only get fully dressed when I go out on Saturday and I know that it is not enough time to actually "get used to" my hair being long all the time. But on this night, I actually noticed the hair on the sides of my face as I walked and it really finally felt like a natural part of me. It just seemed right to me to push it back once in a while and I really felt like "this is me".

The second thought came near the end of my walk which is uphill. I do have fake breasts which I really love. Some people have told me that they are too big but I really like them. I use a medical adhesive so they do stay on pretty well. What I really noticed tonight was how much I enjoyed the feeling of them moving but being attached to me. They definitely moved while I walked and I really liked the thought of them being a permanent part of me.

Well unfortunately, once again these are very superficial and physical aspects of Michelle. I am really afraid that Michelle is nothing more than extreme OCD. My therapist says that there is way more to it than that but I still never feel like a normal girl. Most girls don't think twice about those things. I really wish I was like "most girls".

Well, I just have to share my weekend and get some thoughts out. I went out Saturday to the club but did not feel very good at all. I only had 2 drinks and I got really bad heartburn. I still stayed out til 3 but it was difficult to even stay awake. I almost fell asleep sitting at the bar. Pretty pathetic.

So on to Sunday. My brother is the DJ at the club and he asked me if I could help him on Sunday with a show he was promoting. He said he just needed a body to help with whatever so I said sure. I was pretty sure that he needed Bob to show up and not Michelle so I kind of managed both. I wore my girl jeans and a Daisy Fuentes t-shirt but it was a really pretty blue that nobody would really think twice about. I am pretty sure that nobody saw the Gloria Vanderbilt tags on my jeans either. The one thing that was pretty obvious was my hands. I still had the dark garnet nail polish on and I wore the rings that I really like. Most of the people there were musician types and did not really seem to care. Most of them did notice, but nobody was brave enough to ask or even cared I guess. The rest of the night was really weird because I really felt like I was getting away with being a girl even though nobody else gave me a second look. I did get a funny look from the girl behind the bar when I ordered my drinks. She saw both my hands so it was pretty obvious. Even though I was there as Bob to everyone else, I made no attempt to hide my hands or to act particularly male. Not really sure how to explain my feelings. I kind of feel like I was faking because none of the people there knew how I really wanted to be. I kept wondering what they would think if Michelle was more obvious.

Anyway, sort of like a private little fantasy. Getting away with wearing girl clothes and nobody noticed. Not what I really wanted to wear for the show but it felt really good not trying to hide.

It's 4 am and I just got home from going out. I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I go there dressed as a girl, but I don't really feel like I belong with all the real girls. I have no personality and I guess I just keep hoping that maybe Michelle will somehow make some grand appearance and become a real person someday. Right now I keep watching the other girls just being girls and I am really jealous. It is just so natural for them. There is this new girl that I have seen at the club the past few weeks and I can't stop watching her dance. She is awesome. Every move she makes is just so female and I find myself trying not to cry because I know that no matter what I ever do, it will never be close to what she has.

Another girl that I met a few weeks ago actually came up to me and said hi. I felt so pathetic because it made me so happy that someone actually made an effort and approached me first. I am desperate for the slightest validation that Michelle is actually a real person. I am really scared because this validation should be coming from inside of me but instead I am crushed by the apparent lack of interest from the rest of the world. Not that I have anything really interesting to offer anybody. I can't even remember the name of the girl that said hi to me. I don't think she knows mine either but at least she did make the effort.

Nothing about Michelle is normal. Nothing good seems to come from being Michelle. It just seems like a lonely, pathetic existence waiting for the slightest approval from the outside world.

I have resisted shopping for the past few weeks because it really feels like I am wasting money buying things for Michelle. I bought a new coat and sweater a month ago because it was cold and now I am thinking that I have no summer clothes to wear. Then I argue with myself because it feels like I should get back to reality and take care of the summer things for my family. I really wanted a pair of cute shorts that are NOT guy shorts. I have to hide my feet when I am home because my toes are painted. Can I really give up this simple freedom and be happy with hairy legs and plain toes?? What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!!! I am so tired of feeling trapped by my girl feelings. These are all stupid physical things. Painting my toes and shaving my arms and legs does not make me a girl. It just seems like a very destructive fantasy.

By the way, I did find a really cute pair of shorts that are definitely not guy. They are 2 tone tan with a pattern and cute cuffs and a belt. I really like them, I just cannot bring myself to take off the tags because I really should take them back to the store.

So I reached out to a friend of mine from school because she is active in the GLTB community and I was hoping that maybe she could help me bring Michelle into the light a bit more. We talked for almost 3 hours as I told her my whole sad story. She pretty much said that my choices are already made and that I need to make the final leap across the boy / girl line. At some point you cannot be both. Well DUH...I know that I don't want to be both but changing teams at this point in my life just does not make sense to me. I am so freaking weak I can't stand it anymore! I hate being Bob but Michelle scares the hell out of me. She will not be any better than what I already have.

I have spent the first 40 something years as a miserable male but I have a great life with a beautiful wife and 3 great daughters. To sum things up, I should be a happy, healthy person with a good job, a nice house, 2 cars, well-educated and loved by a lot of people.

Well all that is true except for the happy part.

So, there you have it. Welcome to my own private hell.

Enjoy the rantings of a crazy person!