I am NOT transgender! My wife and I are constantly battling because she says that I cannot accept what I am. She has no doubt that most of my issues are due to my female desires. There are other issues not related to gender, but she is certain that they have been made much worse because I have never been able to be the person that I really am. I still think that this is mostly a fetish but she insists that a fetish would not involve shaving my arms, chest and lower stomach. I still cannot get past her wanting to cut her hair either. Yes, I would give anything to have hair like hers but the fact is that I still want to be WITH a girl with long beautiful hair. It is what I REALLY like and for some strange (sick) reason that is what I am comfortable with. Long hair has a very personal meaning to me. I know it is wrong, but it is a part of me that I have never been able to change. The problem is that I really don't want to change it. I don't really care about boobs, butts or how much she weighs. Hair, face and personality: IN THAT ORDER. Now I am crying because I know how sick this really sounds. I hate being ME. My wife told me that she wants to cut off 2 inches again and I am devastated that she does not see her hair as beautiful as I do. Yes, that is wrong on so many levels and I really feel like throwing up right now. Can't somebody find a way to fix me, please??????????? I am going to a new shrink today to see what she can try for meds again. I am severely depressed and secretly wish that somebody would just shove me to the other side and MAKE me be Michelle. I am so weak as a person and I am really getting hopeless that there will be a good outcome. My wife says "just go be Michelle if that will make you happy". I really wish I could but I really am nothing without her emotionally. Don't bother to bash my wife. She has given me EVERYTHING she can and she deserves to be happy too. This is killing her just as much as me. That little fact just adds to my guilt because I know that I am the cause of most of her emotional pain. She is a wonderful, loving, loyal and devoted wife and friend and I won't even let her cut 2 inches off her hair.

Now I am crying again and I can hear my wife say "stop crying and just do whatever you need to do to fix yourself". She keeps saying that she would rather see me happier as Michelle rather than this miserable as Bob.

I don't think I can be happy as Michelle if it means giving up my wife.

It's been a few days since I posted anything but the past week has been really bad. The dis-connect from my wife is really getting to me. We have been talking a lot and I really think that she is right about me not being emotionally mature. We have both said that I have always taken care of her physically and she has always taken care of me emotionally. Right now I am struggling to survive because I really don't know who I am. She is absolutely convinced that Bob is gone forever and that a full transition is the only possible outcome for me. I joined the pinkessence site and have spent hours going through the profiles. It is really depressing because I feel that most of them really know exactly what they want. I am also really scared because I am finding so many girls that are really beautiful and it really bothers me that the only thing holding me back is the fact that I know that I will never look as good as they do. I know that is really shallow but I can't help how I feel about my physical presentation. I don't want to be a model or anything but I am crushed by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will never feel attractive. Don't bother telling me how superficial I am. I already know. That is my argument that I am NOT really a girl since a real girl would care more about the inside and the feelings. My wife gave me an article about a girl who transitioned at 26. Her main support came from her friends since her family abandoned her. I am afraid that I really don't even have girlfriends that could help me if I decide to transition. No matter what I do, it will be alone.

Today seems to be a really bad day. Not that any have been good lately. Yesterday I started to cry because I was extremely jealous of my wife. I love her hair and would give anything to have real hair like hers. She hates it because of me. I have always been a fanatic about her hair and she would love to cut it off.

Today I started to cry sitting at the gas station because I saw this absolutely gorgeous woman getting gas. She was a beautiful blond with long hair and a cute white shirt with a black vest. She looked about 40 something and definitely a mom but still drop dead gorgeous to me. I was overwhelmed with jealousy knowing that I could never be anything like her.

I miss my wife terribly but I cannot let go of the girly things that I love. I want to go home tonight and fix my toe nails. I want to get dressed and go for a walk as Michelle.

My stomach has been queasy for 2 days now because my wife says we should "talk" this weekend about what we are going to do. It has been 3 months now and she wants to resolve our separation.

All I could think of this morning was the show "Ghost Whisperer" with Jennifer Love Hewitt. At the end of every show, the ghost walks off into the distance and just disappears.

I am really to the point where I just want to disappear into the background and never show up again.

Lots of stuff going on I guess. I called my kids last night to say goodnight and all hell was breaking loose at my house. My two older girls were screaming at each other. One packed her stuff and was going to run away. My youngest was on the phone with me and trying not to cry. She keeps saying "you come home now, you not here" over and over. My family is falling apart. They are all very sad and upset including my wife who is struggling to keep things together.

She is pretty sure that the girls are struggling today because they saw us being affectionate. We hugged a few times and actually sat next to each other friday. The girls tell us that they are confused by this. I know I am being selfish but being Michelle does not change my feelings for my wife. I still want to be close to her and I know that is extremely unfair to her. I started to cry this morning as I watched her leave the house. Not sure why. I just really felt like I was letting her down because I am not helping her with the girls. I get to be off doing my own thing while she tries to juggle girl scouts, baseball, homework and doctor appointments.

Now the hard part: I was really looking forward to getting dressed tonight. I really need the practice. I wanted to last night but I was really tired and went to bed at 8:30. My wife was really annoyed that I had that luxury. She knew she would be up til at least ten with my oldest daughter. It still takes me a while, more than an hour but I wasn't really in a hurry anyway. I had no place to go and I did some laundry too. I was pretty happy with the way things turned out. My face was ok tonight. I did notice that the new eyeliner I bought was smudging below my eyes. I don't remember the old one doing that. I'll have to make sure to get the other one. I barely had it on 2 hours tonight and it started to look messy. Funny how I don't ever notice my wife having those problems. Then again she rarely uses a lot of makeup.

So my difficulty comes in the fact that I am completely comfortable being dressed and catching my reflection in the kitchen window. I cannot shake the guilt from knowing that I should be at home with my wife and girls. This life right now is such a little fantasy and it does not seem real. I don't do anything at night. Michelle does not have this great social calendar. It seems pretty pathetic to spend an hour and a half just to sit around the house for at most 2 hours. Then I scrub off Michelle and go to bed or I sit here on this silly blog for about an hour.

I am really starting to worry about work too. I honestly get about 3 hours of productive work done and then my brain is just mush. I am going to see a new shrink to try some other meds again. I think that the one I am seeing now has just given up and does not know anything else to try. When I first started seeing her, she was not really sold on the whole trans idea. She knows all about my family and really thought it was just depression. When I told her that I had moved out to try being the Michelle I think that she decided (like my therapist) that maybe my depression cannot be changed by drugs. The meds help a little but the ultimate answer lies elsewhere. They are both pushing hard toward Michelle as the obvious outcome. Obvious to everyone but me. They both say that Michelle will not fix everything but they don't see me surviving as I am now. Michelle will have all the issues that Bob has. Bob has a great life and I really hope that I can make the right choices and can be happy again some day. My wife is certain that I have been unhappy my entire life and I cannot argue against it.