So I have been reading a bit lately about the many debates on "out and proud" and the trans "borg" and the whole "transgender" label.  I am finding that most of my life as a girl is going very much unnoticed by most people.  I KNOW that I still get looks from some people.  I stopped at Home Depot on my way home from work last Friday and I guess that my bright coral blouse with the white capri pants and the 5 inch wedge strappy sandals were just too much for a few people there.  I caught about 3 people checking me out.  2 of them looked right at my shoes so i don't think they REALLY figured me out.  The point is that I go into any store (like the hardware store for new keys) and I am not seen right away as male.  The only time I get a reaction is when I start to talk.  And it makes no difference whether I have makeup on at all.  I don't wear ANY guy clothes anymore when I go out in public unless my kids are with me and even then the ONLY male thing is my shirt.  I always wear girl jeans and sneakers and I have even been pushing it with the girls by wearing earrings at the house.  

So back to this idea of stealth.  I have read some blogs about the people who do not want to be included in the "trans" collective and I am seriously beginning to share their feelings.  Today I am thinking about taking down this blog because it is really just for my own satisfaction and for my outlet.  I really don't care that people are not reading it.  I will never be a trans activist.  I like to search for the "news" type of items that I find on a lot of the other blogs, but I am not sure about putting myself out there just so that some jack-ass can stumble onto my blog and then rip me to shreds.  So far that has not happened but that scenario is now of greater consequence to me since I am now being very successful at work and just living mostly as a "normal" girl.  The only thing I had really hoped for was to find other people in my similar situation with the ex and my kids but I have yet to make any real contacts on that front.  And to be honest, that is becoming less and less important to me.  I am learning to deal with those issues and time is passing which is definitely helping the situation.  Nobody out there has any magic answers for me.  All of my learning has come from within me or from my close circle of friends. 


Life is almost normal now.  Just a lame, old, working day to day, boring feminine (although not quite female) existence.

I really think that my next front is going to be my body issues.  I have been talking to a lot of my friends about wanting the correct parts.  I have been doing a lot of reading about the autogynephelia side of our community and I am really struggling because my issues are NOT about anything sexual.  I really feel that I do not want sex AS a male but I do have SOME interest in sex AS a female.   So let's ignore this obvious contradiction by stating again that my drive is more for personal completeness and satisfaction rather than sexual in nature.  And nobody should bother to tell me how dumb I am because I KNOW that EVERYBODY has some sexual desire.  I am not pretending that mine is not there so don't try to throw that back at me in any way.  


So back to the stealth question:  I really do not see me sharing the physical aspects for very much longer.  I am very interested in moving forward but I don't want the world to know what I am doing anymore.  These changes will be extremely personal and I do not want any debates from anyone other than my closest friends.


So I will leave with this final thought about retreating "back into the closet", but this time Michelle will be the only person there.  Michelle will not be in the closet, but the door may soon be closed to the general public.  

I am not an oddity, attraction, activist, freak, or genetic defect.  

I am just me(finally).

So I stayed home from work for the second day this week.  I really am feeling like crap.  On Tuesday, I spent the entire day in bed and finally got up at 7pm.  Today I feel like crap again and spent most of the day in bed.  I am so sick of feeling so run down and exhausted.  2 of my friends say I should get checked for mono.  That is almost impossible since I have no physical contact with anyone in over 3 years now.  I  have only kissed 1 girl in this whole time and it wasn't exactly making out either.  So not sold on this whole "mono" thing.  Something is wrong though.  I am exhausted all the time.  Is this what it feels like without Testosterone????  Was I like this all those years ago and just didn't realize it???  Am I still depressed????????????  My doctor / therapist / psychiatrist all say no but I am not so sure right now.  

I am depressed and I know exactly why.  I miss my kids terribly and I miss my ex even more.  My girls are embarrassed by me.  They don't want me at their school functions.  They are afraid when their friends come to the house if I am there.  Life is so unfair.  I was miserable with myself the other way and happy with my family.  Now I am happy with myself (and yes, EVERYBODY is telling me that), and miserable about my family (or actually the lack thereof).  My ex is taking the girls to the beach this summer with her mother, her sister and brother-in-law.  That is most of my entire family on her side that I am no longer included or welcome.  My friends tell me that is what comes with the divorce and I just need to accept it.  Whatever........   I am not a solitary person.  I never have been.  My family has always been important to me and I am having a really hard time just walking away from that.  

Yes, I know that I have other issues that are making this even harder.  I have attachment / abandonment issues that make it very difficult for me to be alone.  The problem is that I am SOOOOO alone right now.  I have friends but I am desperate for some affection.  I am tired of feeling like less of a human being.  I HATE being stuck as half male and half female.  I keep hoping to find someone on the dating sites but what girl is going to want me with the wrong parts?  I am having weird thoughts because I am not reverting back to looking for sex as a male but I am beginning to think that I may need to look at guys for some affection.  There are plenty of guys out there looking for something a little freaky and maybe that is the only place where I will fit in.  I don't seem to be of any interest to the normal lesbian girls out there.  I have had 3 requests as the third in a couple's threesome.  Woo hooo.  I guess that "trans" now means sex toy for some people. 


Just soooooooooo tired right now and I have been in bed all day.  I guess I just don't see any reason to be getting up anymore.