Thursday, April 26, 2012

Happier with me, miserable with life

So I stayed home from work for the second day this week.  I really am feeling like crap.  On Tuesday, I spent the entire day in bed and finally got up at 7pm.  Today I feel like crap again and spent most of the day in bed.  I am so sick of feeling so run down and exhausted.  2 of my friends say I should get checked for mono.  That is almost impossible since I have no physical contact with anyone in over 3 years now.  I  have only kissed 1 girl in this whole time and it wasn't exactly making out either.  So not sold on this whole "mono" thing.  Something is wrong though.  I am exhausted all the time.  Is this what it feels like without Testosterone????  Was I like this all those years ago and just didn't realize it???  Am I still depressed????????????  My doctor / therapist / psychiatrist all say no but I am not so sure right now.  

I am depressed and I know exactly why.  I miss my kids terribly and I miss my ex even more.  My girls are embarrassed by me.  They don't want me at their school functions.  They are afraid when their friends come to the house if I am there.  Life is so unfair.  I was miserable with myself the other way and happy with my family.  Now I am happy with myself (and yes, EVERYBODY is telling me that), and miserable about my family (or actually the lack thereof).  My ex is taking the girls to the beach this summer with her mother, her sister and brother-in-law.  That is most of my entire family on her side that I am no longer included or welcome.  My friends tell me that is what comes with the divorce and I just need to accept it.  Whatever........   I am not a solitary person.  I never have been.  My family has always been important to me and I am having a really hard time just walking away from that.  

Yes, I know that I have other issues that are making this even harder.  I have attachment / abandonment issues that make it very difficult for me to be alone.  The problem is that I am SOOOOO alone right now.  I have friends but I am desperate for some affection.  I am tired of feeling like less of a human being.  I HATE being stuck as half male and half female.  I keep hoping to find someone on the dating sites but what girl is going to want me with the wrong parts?  I am having weird thoughts because I am not reverting back to looking for sex as a male but I am beginning to think that I may need to look at guys for some affection.  There are plenty of guys out there looking for something a little freaky and maybe that is the only place where I will fit in.  I don't seem to be of any interest to the normal lesbian girls out there.  I have had 3 requests as the third in a couple's threesome.  Woo hooo.  I guess that "trans" now means sex toy for some people. 

Just soooooooooo tired right now and I have been in bed all day.  I guess I just don't see any reason to be getting up anymore. 


Post a Comment