Thursday, May 10, 2012

Maybe it's time for true stealth?????

So I have been reading a bit lately about the many debates on "out and proud" and the trans "borg" and the whole "transgender" label.  I am finding that most of my life as a girl is going very much unnoticed by most peopleI KNOW that I still get looks from some people.  I stopped at Home Depot on my way home from work last Friday and I guess that my bright coral blouse with the white capri pants and the 5 inch wedge strappy sandals were just too much for a few people there.  I caught about 3 people checking me out.  2 of them looked right at my shoes so i don't think they REALLY figured me out.  The point is that I go into any store (like the hardware store for new keys) and I am not seen right away as male.  The only time I get a reaction is when I start to talk.  And it makes no difference whether I have makeup on at all.  I don't wear ANY guy clothes anymore when I go out in public unless my kids are with me and even then the ONLY male thing is my shirt.  I always wear girl jeans and sneakers and I have even been pushing it with the girls by wearing earrings at the house.  

So back to this idea of stealth.  I have read some blogs about the people who do not want to be included in the "trans" collective and I am seriously beginning to share their feelings.  Today I am thinking about taking down this blog because it is really just for my own satisfaction and for my outlet.  I really don't care that people are not reading it.  I will never be a trans activist.  I like to search for the "news" type of items that I find on a lot of the other blogs, but I am not sure about putting myself out there just so that some jack-ass can stumble onto my blog and then rip me to shreds.  So far that has not happened but that scenario is now of greater consequence to me since I am now being very successful at work and just living mostly as a "normal" girl.  The only thing I had really hoped for was to find other people in my similar situation with the ex and my kids but I have yet to make any real contacts on that front.  And to be honest, that is becoming less and less important to me.  I am learning to deal with those issues and time is passing which is definitely helping the situation.  Nobody out there has any magic answers for me.  All of my learning has come from within me or from my close circle of friends. 

Life is almost normal now.  Just a lame, old, working day to day, boring feminine (although not quite female) existence.

I really think that my next front is going to be my body issues.  I have been talking to a lot of my friends about wanting the correct parts.  I have been doing a lot of reading about the autogynephelia side of our community and I am really struggling because my issues are NOT about anything sexual.  I really feel that I do not want sex AS a male but I do have SOME interest in sex AS a female.   So let's ignore this obvious contradiction by stating again that my drive is more for personal completeness and satisfaction rather than sexual in nature.  And nobody should bother to tell me how dumb I am because I KNOW that EVERYBODY has some sexual desire.  I am not pretending that mine is not there so don't try to throw that back at me in any way.  

So back to the stealth question:  I really do not see me sharing the physical aspects for very much longer.  I am very interested in moving forward but I don't want the world to know what I am doing anymore.  These changes will be extremely personal and I do not want any debates from anyone other than my closest friends.

So I will leave with this final thought about retreating "back into the closet", but this time Michelle will be the only person there.  Michelle will not be in the closet, but the door may soon be closed to the general public.  

I am not an oddity, attraction, activist, freak, or genetic defect.  

I am just me(finally).


Halle said...

Being yourself, whatever that means is the goal. A blog is a wonderful place to share your thoughts. It is good to remind yourself that you don't owe anyone another post.

All the best Michelle and thank you for all those good thoughts.

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