So the month of July is do or die for Michelle.

Anyway, I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday "off". Only 3 phone calls from work today - woo hoo. So I went out Saturday night and I bought yet another outfit from lip service. It is a short gunmetal grey vinyl dress with a little nurse cross on the shoulders. I get the XXL to fit my shoulders but then the bottom is not as form fitting as the dress is designed to be. It still looks fabulous. 3 girls at the club loved it and asked about it. I also got a new pair if 6" patent heels with a ribbon that ties across the top of the foot and then up around the ankle. I could not believe how easy it was to walk in them. My other shoes are 5" so not really a big difference. My feet were killing by the end of the night but it was SOOOOOOO worth it. I got home at 5 am.

Now it is Sunday and I got up around noon. The first thing I did was get fully dressed again. I called my brother who was producing another band on Sunday night. I asked if he needed any help or if I could just go to the show. Well I went as Michelle and wore my white shorts and a really cute purple/pink striped t-shirt. As luck would have it, the guy that he asked to work the door bailed. So guess who sat at the door collecting money and handing out tickets: Michelle!!! It was a really bad turnout. Only 26 people came to the show but it was really cool to be just a girl working for the show. And not just hiding in the dark with the stage hands but right out with EVERYBODY. I got some funny looks and a few of my friends from the club came too. By the way, this is NOT the same club that I go to on Saturday. This is more of a mainstream club with all different music and a different crowd but still Michelle was alive and well and had a great time.

Now on to today: Monday. I woke up around 5 am again and decided to throw in my laundry. Only 2 loads so not bad. The first thing I did again today was get fully dressed. Today I am on a mission. The flat sandals that I wore to the show last night actually cut 2 of my toes. So my goal was new shoes. I have been drooling over a $65 pair of red sandals on Zappos but just can't afford that for 1 pair. I almost did it. I actually had them in my shopping cart but then common sense won over.

Ok back to the mission: 1 new pair of flat shoes that I can work in, 1 pair of sandals that are pretty, 1 white camisole to wear under the new shirts that I bought, another of the striped t-shirts in green or blue, some underwear, a t-strap bra and then maybe some jewelry.

First stop: Kohl's. The flat shoes that were on the website were only up to size 8. So after about 15 minutes searching for something in size 10, I got lucky. A pair of red flats and black. 5 minutes to decide on the black. Then on the same aisle, a pair of white strappy 3" platform sandals - size 10! Another 10 minutes and I decided on both pairs in 9 1/2. I absolutely LOVE these sandals! Spent another hour searching for a camisole, bra and underwear. Underwear: 3 pairs bikini, size 7. Camisole: 1 reversible XL with lace trim. T-strap bra: no such luck unless you are a 34b - NOT. Off to the jewelry counter. Not much there but I did find a beautiful silver marcasite with a purple stone to match my other marcasite rings: awesome!

Now to pay for it all. The older lady at the register knew right away especially since I make no attempt to change my voice. She asked about my Kohl's charge and I told her I did not have it. So I handed her my license so she could look it up. She stopped for a second and almost said something but then she caught herself and said Oh that is you. Of course for some silly reason, this one time it did not work and she started calling people and the people behind were annoyed. She said I need your address, phone etc... so I said forget it and paid with another card. Success! I could not care less what any of those people thought. I not only survived but I thrived. I could not wait to change into my new shoes since I still had 1 more stop.

Off to Penney's for the striped shirt. Of course work calls so I am stuck in the car on the phone for 15 minutes. Find the shirt in the store. Really like the blue. These shirts are light at the top with horizontal stripes that fade to a darker color at the bottom. Tapered just right so the shoulder fits but stomach is not a tent. Then right next to that, a pair of really cute denim shorts: $12. Standing in line I think that the 8 year old girl was a little confused but the girl behind the counter was Ok. I am sure there was probably a comment after I left. Maybe not, who cares. Mission accomplished! But wait, I really LOVE these shoes. There must be something else to do. So I drove around the mall and went to Barnes and Noble. Wandered around for about 20 minutes. Not a single odd look anywhere! (at least that I saw). Nobody cared! I was just another girl in the crowd! I kept looking for the odd look but it just was not there. Now let's get really brave and walk through the mall. Went a little way and sat on the bench for about 10 minutes. It is 1 o'clock, I have not eaten at all today and there is Friendly's. So off I go. Ate lunch alone, the waitress was a little nervous, but again I thrived! Michelle just might be a real person after all.

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. The only thing left for today is my sister in law says she will fix my eyebrows for me. I really hate them. So off I go.

Sorry I have not posted anything lately. Work and home have been very busy the past few weeks and lots going on personally. I am in week 4 of a new clinical trial for depression. I am on Pristiq and some new mystery drug for MDD. I think that it may actually be working. My mood is improving. They take blood, weight,ecg almost every week. The new dr. is really nice. I have actually gone there twice as Michelle and her staff is very nice to me.

I have not gone out in the past few weeks because of family things. I have been obsessed with new clothes and I have more new things that I am dying to show. I have also been buying more every-day clothes since my wife and I have decided that the month of July is the final test of our separation. On August 1 I need to go home or we will formalize the separation and start to move on. Not really what I want but all our therapists tell us that my path is leading in one direction and Michelle is going to win no matter how hard I fight it.

Things are very different right now. Today I went to return 2 of the shirts that I bought yesterday. I wore my girl clothes and wore my guy sandals with my toes painted red and my hands painted dark blue. No make-up or anything else but I really felt like Michelle anyway. I got a few strange looks at McDonalds but something really cool happened at JcPennys. I went to return the shirt from yesterday and I went to the same counter in the store. There was a girl there working on some paperwork and she never stopped to look up at me. She was facing me but not quite paying attention. I was wearing a girl tank top, white with black stripes and my girl jeans. I know she saw my hands when I put the shirt on the counter. Still without looking directly at me she called to the girl behind me and said "can you come take care of her, I have to go". The other girl came around and looked at me and said nothing. She looked a little surprised but it was really a weird feeling.

Ok gotta run. I am at work

A special thank you to Claire. I tend to be fairly un-social and then I wonder why I have no friends. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate someone reaching out to me. So thank you Claire for caring enough to ask about me. It really means a lot.