I almost forgot to make a post about my anniversary. June 11 was 52 weeks on Estrogen. I must say that I am really happy with the changes but I really want to move up to the next step and talk to my dr about progestin to see if my boobs can get bigger. I am really happy about my skin, especially my face. I am getting away with less makeup now that my pores are almost tiny and my skin is much softer now. The hair is still going really slow but I guess I should stop letting my sister-in-law "trim" it every time I color it. She always takes too much off in some spots and I really REALLY want it to be MUCH longer.

Not much else to talk about but I would like to ask for any advice on the hormones for breast growth. Right now I am still on spiro 100mg a day, finasteride 5mg a day and estrogen at 6mg a day. No other gel or progestin yet so I really would like to know what success others have had with them.

Ok time for bed. Thanks for taking the time to read my babble.

It has been a while since I wrote so I think that I should share how things are going. I cannot say that things have been getting better but they are really not getting any worse either. I have been spending a lot of time with my friend Gaby and we talk for hours. I love her to death. She makes me cry, she makes me laugh and she is at times brutally honest. She really is a great friend to me right now. I really think that her honesty and no-nonsense personality have really been a reality check for me. She is helping me to just live my life as a real person rather than someone with "issues". We have dinner together, we go out to the store and we just hang out like regular girls. After all this time she still listens to the same old crap over and over again. I know it is frustrating but I hope she realizes that I appreciate her just being there for me. Letting go of my wife is an agonizing process but she really is helping me to move on. I know it is a little too slow for her liking but it IS really happening. 28 years of being together is just really hard to let go of especially when we both still love each other. Gaby usually reads my blog so I hope that she does not mind me mentioning her. She is very private person and I do not want to betray her trust in any way. All I really want to say is that we could all use our own "Gaby" to help us once in a while.

Ok on to some other thoughts. Along the lines of a "normal" life, I have to say that this week has been pretty good for me. I had a dr appt on Tuesday and I had my therapy. I went out to dinner by myself but I really felt like just another girl. I am really starting to feel like just a normal person. Not "trans", not different, not weird but just like a real human being and a normal girl most of the time. I had a good time shopping Tuesday. I am really looking for clothes that I "could" wear to work just in case it happens soon. The scary thing is that work really is looking like a possibility. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I work in IT but I am in middle management so I should be able to wear some really nice dresses to work. I can hardly wait until the day when I can wear a cute pair of sandals and I can actually carry my purse to work and leave them under my desk. Kind of a silly thought but I have told many of the girls here that I am jealous of that simple luxury. It is different for me because I pay attention to the cubicles and the girls are very different. It is very easy to tell which cubes are for the girls. Here I am again paying attention to all the silly superficial stuff but it really is the small things that I notice.

Ok, different subject. Told you this would be random thoughts......
So I follow a few different blogs and I am really amazed at the huge differences between each of them. This group has so many different ranges and emotions and struggles. I get worried when someone goes silent for a while while others seem to have something to say every day. The thought that I have right now deals with the fact that some people always seem to think that they are more trans than others. We do not fit into neat categories. I hate these sliding scales that people use to determine who is tg, ts, tv, cd or whatever. I am not looking for any sort of debate and I could care less about all those facts out there. The truth is, your definitions may not fit me. We are human beings. We are biological creatures. We have similarities but we are NOT the same no matter how you try to compare us. Some will argue this exact point in that they are X and I am Y, but the point is that there is no value to these comparisons. We all have struggles. We all have issues. I may think that my issues are unique to me but that will never give me the right to judge somebody else with regards to their issues. As I read all these blogs, I just want to take it ALL in and create my opinions and reality based on the combination of them. I cannot sit here an say that I have a favorite blogger or someone who I think is right all the time. Nobody is so smart that they can have all the answers all the time. If we are lucky, we may have an experience that is close enough so that someone else may recognize something similar in their own experience and hopefully they can gain something in the process. Hopefully the people who read my blog have realized by now that this is all that I am really hoping for with my own blog. Nothing I say is gospel. Nothing I say is any better than anybody else. This is just my own form of therapy since it allows me to talk about just about anything and everything related to Michelle.

Ok sorry about the soapbox. Kind of got away from me there. Nothing else to say so I guess I will just end here. I think that Gaby and I are going to the movies tonight. Maybe dinner and the club later for a drink.

Thanks for listening

So I am finding that Michelle seems much more obvious to all the people around me than I had previously thought. I am actually getting called maam when out as Bob. I was at the grocery store last week wearing my Bob jacket and glasses. Had not shaved for 2 days and the girl at the register says "how are you today maam?" The guy in front and behind me both got a firm hello sir so I know that she knew the difference. I went to lunch today with my friend from work and again the waitress says "I'll go get your check ladies". We both laughed and I got a real pit in my stomach since I was definitely in Bob mode at the time. My therapist tells me that Michelle is much more than just my face and makeup. She says that I must be giving off a very female presence in order for these people to pick up on it. My entire presentation is more Michelle than Bob no matter how I am dressed.

I cannot describe the absolute terror that this creates. Michelle is more and more a full time reality and Bob is slowly fading into the background. We were at my brother's house last night to discuss living arrangements and my wife was there. I was having a very difficult time because my sister and sister-in-law kept referring to me as Michelle and "her" instead of "him" in front of my wife. She actually asked how I wanted to be addressed as M no matter how I was dressed. I could tell that this had made my wife very uncomfortable and I actually said that Donna could call me whatever she wanted. They still pushed the issue and insisted that I pick one or the other. Even though my wife was there, I said that M is always appropriate no matter what. That was very difficult for her to hear and I could see the hurt in her face.

So back to the absolute terror that this causes. I cannot help that queasy feeling in my stomach. People keep telling me that there is no going back now. I need to move on and let go of my wife and the relationship that we once had. I cannot describe the sheer joy that I felt at the thought of getting a new badge for work with Michelle instead of Bob. Yet again this causes a huge conflict since this is pushing the wife and kids farther away. My wife insists that these are all conscious choices that I am making. I know she is right but it is still very difficult to accept the fact that I am willingly destroying my wife and kids.

Sorry this is just more of the same old stuff but I really am struggling lately with this. I keep looking at my friends Facebook pages and wishing that I could just be normal and have a real life like they do. Maybe someday soon Michelle will be out completely and can be just like all the other people in the world. That would be great.

So the past few weekends have been a little hectic. I haven't posted a video in a couple weeks on Saturday night. Last weekend I was traveling but the week before and this past weekend I have gone out without posting any video. I have found a close circle of friends and I am visiting with them often. On Saturday nights, I go to my friend's house in the early evening and we just hang out for a while. This week it was really great to just watch a movie and then our other friend came over at 10:30 to get ready to go out. It was really great to just be one of the girls getting ready. It was also really nice because the last 2 times out I have ended up staying the night at her house since I really should not have been driving after the club. She has people stay over all the time so it was really nice to be treated like a real person and friend.

I have also had a good couple of weeks in other social circumstances. My friends took me out for my birthday last Thursday night. We went to Outback for dinner and there were 8 of us there. My sister went and so did another friend from the club. 2 new people also came that I had never met before. 2 brothers, one just back from the military. They both accepted me just fine and we had a great night. I had to use the restroom so my friend Gaby said that she would go with me. As we got to the bathroom, a mother went in with her 2 young daughters and I stopped dead in my tracks. Gaby took my hand and said that I needed to conquer this fear and act just like any other girl using the bathroom. They were all in a stall already and did not really see me come in. I waited for them to leave before I came out of the stall but then another woman came in just as I walked up to the sink. She said hi to both of us and did not give me a second look. I got the greatest sense of satisfaction as Gaby and I stood in front of the mirror and we just continued on talking. I finally felt like I was in the right place. I really hate the men's room for some reason. I still don't do anything to change my voice so I just talk a little quieter and nobody seems to pay any extra attention to me. After that restaurant we went to the Cheesecake Factory for desert. The waitress came and said "hello ladies" and never gave me a second look. This was so different from the club since this is out in the open with "normal" people. Not a dark bar with a specific clientele. Just 2 normal restaurants with a bunch of people. Now I have been going to the family diner by myself for the past few weeks but this was different because I was with a group of people just like everybody else in the place. I was not the odd person sitting by herself. I am a real person with people who enjoy being with me and are not embarrassed by me.

We also ended up at the club around 11 that night and it was not very busy. I decided that I really did not need to use the private bathroom so I went to the regular one downstairs. I also did this on Saturday night when it was very busy and nobody cared. I went in there 3 different times and it was the greatest feeling to see myself in the mirror as I came out of the stall. Again I was finally in the right place.

This is the hardest feeling and experience to describe to my friends. I know that being a girl is a lot more than just looks but they have never questioned who they are. They are boy or girl and never give it a second thought. To me, the idea of boy/girl has been a question for my entire life. It is very difficult to just "be a girl" without giving it a second thought. My friend Gaby tells me that we need to keep going out so that Michelle becomes more and more of my main personality.

Somehow I need to convey the absolute conflict that this causes. My comfort as Michelle is overwhelming. All of my friends tell me that there is no way for me to survive as Bob. They all tell me how much better I am as Michelle. I know in my heart that Michelle is the right life for me but the more that Michelle takes over the farther and farther it pushes away my wife and kids. My heart is breaking from all the pain I am causing my wife and I feel like a lousy parent because I am so wrapped up in my issues that I am not really "there" for my girls.

Ok so now we are back to "poor me" and that is not what I want this post to be about. I really wanted to convey my happiness and my successes as Michelle. It is worth the hardship and all the suffering.

Michelle will survive and will SUCCEED at being happy (eventually).