Well I went out again tonight and had a pretty rotten time. Don't know what I expect anymore. Nobody shows any real interest in me. I am tired of being alone. I had a really hard time tonight seeing all the couples being so happy together. Nobody loves Michelle. Nobody has any feelings for Michelle. Bob has no emotional connections anymore either. My wife stated again that nothing will change between us since I have decided to be Michelle and not Bob. She has no interest in Michelle in any form. Bob has been destroyed and she does not forgive me for that. Bob is not functioning well either. My job is getting very difficult to stay focused on. What's the point of working if there is nobody to share life with. Don't even know why I bother with this silly blog anymore. Nobody has the answers because there is no way for this to work. Bob and Michelle can't both exist and I already know what happens when I try to hide Michelle. The looney bin was no help at all. It seems that neither life is worth keeping anymore.

Nothing to really talk about today. I am just sitting here alone as usual wondering about this so called "choice" that I have made to leave my wife and family in favor of this lifestyle. She is very hurt / angry / alone / scared / sad ....... Duh! my fault for doing this to us. Tonight on the way home, I got into a slight accident when some idiot changes lanes and then slams on the brakes in the pouring rain. She gets a scratch on her bumper, my hood and grill are now toast. At least $1500 worth of damage. The car I could not care less about. The really depressing thing is that I am sitting here alone with nobody to complain to. I am here, wife is at home struggling with all the activities of the 3 girls. I really have no right to hope for any sympathy from her. I just wanted to talk to her for some reason. Maybe because she is the one I talk to about everything. I feel so sick and I am starting to cry again at the thought that I am choosing to leave all that life behind. I told my sister that I don't want to get divorced as we were waiting for the club to open last Saturday. She said "can you stop being Michelle?" I said no and she said "then you have no choice in the divorce".

Why can't I choose to be Bob? Stop taking these stupid hormones. They are only making you fat. Cut your hair. Your kids can't stand it anymore. Stop obsessing about piercing your ears. You will only lose your job. Where did that person go? Who is this stupid person who gets happy when a friend says my face looks "different"? I constantly play with my hair. I obsess about the way my hands and face feel. As I sat in the shower this morning, I was pushing and pulling my parts around to make them "disappear" and I was happy with the thought of that space being flat without something to stick out. If I pull my parts far enough back and squeeze my legs together ....... look at that, a nice flat front. Dumbass, it is still there and it always will be.

I am having really bad thoughts again. My friend Angela got mad at me the other day because I told her that I was not going to survive much past the final divorce in January. This life really is just not worth living anymore. Too many things are broken and can't be fixed. My kids are miserable and I will never have a really close relationship with them. Bob has destroyed everything we had and Michelle will have no job, no family and no life at all. I was starting to feel better about things. I managed to get some sleep the last few nights and I feel better. Now today has just put me right back into the gutter. Now I am exhausted again and I don't want to go to sleep because I really don't want to face any more days.

I am really scared now. I am not a real person anymore.

Haven't posted in a while but I think that I really have something to share today. First I'll start with Tuesday. My usual day to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have my shrink appointment in the morning and then my therapist later that night. Spent 2 hours at the shrink but she told me that I am getting very comfortable in my Michelle skin and that Bob is definitely not the right choice for me. She also said that it is getting harder and harder to really see me as a male. She said that I am just a little too tall but other than that I look like a girl most of the time. Both in looks and behavior. I was a little skeptical since she is my doctor but I accepted the compliments anyway.

Now on to the mall. I went to Friendly's again for lunch and all the waitresses were really nice to me. The first one came up and said Hi hon, nice to see you again. I sat in the very first booth this time and I was facing into the restaurant. Normally I face the other way so that I can scope out any potential "issues" with people coming in. It was fairly busy but nobody paid any attention to me. That is except for the 4 year old boy facing away from me in the very next booth. His grandmother was facing me and I think that she figured me out. Maybe not but it doesn't really matter anyway. Well the boy turned around 3 or 4 times and was looking at me. He finally turned back to his grandmother and said "there's a lady behind us and she is really pretty". The grandma barely glanced back at me and simply said "yes, she is". Again, still not sure if she really had me figured out or not but at least I managed to fool a 4 year old.

Now on to the rest of the week. I got my hair done again Thursday night. She colored it and added a little more red this time. She barely trimmed it just to even up some of the layers and she also did my eyebrows more the way I wanted them. I did not really think much of it until I saw my wife the next morning and she said that my hair was much more girly now. She definitely cut it with a very feminine shape to it. So then I went out to lunch with my friend Angela from work. As we stood in the door the waitress says hello ladies right this way. During our lunch she came back 4 times and said "ladies" every time. Even after we ordered and she heard my voice. Now remember that I am in complete Bob/work mode today. It really threw me off a little. I really liked it but it felt weird since I was in Bob mode. Now on to today where I went to buy a car for my mother-in-law. We walked into the dealer and the guy was only about 10 feet away from us and asks "How are you ladies today?" He was a little embarrassed when I told him I was Bob but we both let it slide without the usual male jokes / comments. We then went to lunch after the car dealer and the hostess again says "this way ladies". The waitress then walks up and says "hello ladies" but I was on the phone and she heard my voice and then corrected herself.

It must be the hair that is different. It is the weirdest feeling. Am I offended because I am no longer male enough? Isn't this what I really want? My head is spinning right now. I want to laugh, cry and scream all at the same time.

Somebody stop the ride, I want to get off this nightmare.

Not a bad night tonight. Club was a little quiet and the people I was hoping to see did not show up. Still I was determined to have a good time no matter what and Michelle had a good time once again. (My sister went out but was too tired to really enjoy the night.)

My first post this morning seems to have gotten a few reads already. I figure nobody would see if I added more so I will just start a new post now.

So to continue on with my night last night, I had a feeling that it was going to be a bad night and I was not disappointed. It started out ok because an older friend of mine who really likes me showed up. She was with a new friend and left by 11:30. Strike 1. The other girl that kissed me a few weeks ago also showed up and she brought her girlfriend. Strike 2. The night was decent until I realized that four of the people I had talked to were suddenly gone. Strike 3, I'm out of here. I was actually back home and in bed by 1:30. Really a short night for me. This really bothers me because I always make a special effort to find my friends and say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciate their being nice to me. I got extremely depressed because it feels like nobody cares anything about Michelle. Maybe it is just the hormones that are creating all this drama but I started crying at the club. One of the other girls I knew caught me and was really nice. I couldn't really tell her what was wrong because she was having her own guy issues and was also not having a very good night. I feel so pathetic because I never go to the club "with" anybody. None of these people are real friends. How is it that I am so alone and lonely in a crowd of people?

Kind of changing the subject a bit but I found out last night that a guy has been banned from the club because of me and a couple other people last Saturday. Last week, I was outside talking with one of my friends who had brought 2 new girls with her to the club. We were with another 2 girls who are always at the club and we were all talking. Then this guy comes up and starts talking to all of us. Just silly stuff but he managed to talk to each of us within about 3 minutes. Suddenly he turns to my other friend and says "this place is crazy. You can't tell the guys from the girls. I just realized I was talking to a guy!" (me). I asked my friend Caroline if she heard it and said I was done with this guy and was leaving. She said that she would slap him for me. Well it turns out that he also starting bashing on a couple of gay people at the club and they are just as well known as I am by the people running the place. They kicked him out and told him not to come back. I was surprised because I had 3 people ask me if I was ok after last week's "encounter" with this person. They were all concerned and told not to let it bother me. To be honest, I had not given it much thought but it is really nice to know that I do have people who will stand up for me.

Maybe there really are some real friends here after all?????

So I knew that my night out was going to be crappy. I just had a really bad feeling and I was really tired even after taking a 2 hour nap. It started out bad because my wife is sick again and really expected me to stay home and take care of her. I did the grocery shopping and cleaned up the kitchen cupboards. I shuffled my daughter back and forth to her friends / volleyball / cheer-leading / friends again. Around 2 o'clock I told my wife I wanted to leave. She got really upset since I was obviously choosing a night out over her. To be fair, she really is sick. She is a very strong person and went to work all week even though she has been sick since Tuesday. She is NOT a needy and whiny person by any means. I managed to leave the house at 2:30 and she called me within 3 minutes crying and telling me that she deserved to be treated better. I didn't even bother to respond and just turned around to go back home. It was still pretty ugly when I got there. I told her to go back to bed and that I would watch the girls until 6. The conversation did not go well and she ended up calling her mother to come out to the house to help her for the night. So once again I left her laying on the couch crying. Michelle has won the battle again? I feel totally drained and can't wait to hit the bed for a little nap. On the drive home I was so upset that I just wanted to get changed right away and be Michelle for the rest of the day. That changed when I sat down on the bed and realized just how tired I was. So I set the alarm for 6 and took a nap.

Still really tired but now focusing on my transformation into Michelle. I was pretty happy with my face but my hair came out sort of funny this time. It still worked but not really happy with it. I was really looking forward to going out because I have a few friends that go out every couple weeks and they were due to make an appearance.

Here are some more pictures from last night. Not really thrilled with any of them. I tried to take some of my face but I just cannot help but look miserable.


Still a lot more to talk about but I need to get cleaned up to go back to see my kids today. I will finish this post later.

It is Sunday morning and I have things to do so I must once again take off Michelle from last night and put her away. I went out last night and wore the dress I posted here. It seems to work for the girls which is what I want. I had at least 5 girls come up to me and ask about the dress. I was happy to talk to new people again. I really liked the way I looked last night too. I like to wear makeup and I think that I am getting pretty good at it. I was dressed by 5 o'clock yesterday so I went to the store to get my prescriptions and was a little annoyed because the pharmacist called me "Bob" when I was clearly not dressed as a Bob. Granted he did not know that I prefer Michelle but I was standing right there so he really did not have to mention a name at all. I was the only one there so I would have known he was talking to me. Still he was very non judgmental. I picked up Spironolactone and Estradiol and he knew exactly what they were for especially considering I was dressed as Michelle. DUH! It was still early when I got back so I went to the grocery store for some things. Each time I could tell that I was just kind of hanging out because I am really getting comfortable being out in public as Michelle. I used to feel like the world was looking at me but now I don't care.

I WANT TO BE MICHELLE AND NOBODY ELSE IS ANY BETTER THAN ME WHERE THEY CAN JUDGE MY LIFE!!! I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE REAL ME!

Sorry for yelling but this morning I am really depressed. I have been lazy and when I get home I don't take off my face until the morning. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see Michelle in the mirror. Yes, I know that Michelle is more than just makeup but I really prefer my face that way. It really surprises me how good it still looks on the morning. It just really hurts because I like my hair this way and my face just seems right like this. I took off one half of my face this morning and it really took an effort to take off the other half.

I am also getting really nervous and near the point of no return. My boobs are definitely starting to change. They really hurt all the time and my sister said that she noticed them yesterday when I was in "bob" mode. She said that they are definitely "pointy". I am happy and scared at the same time.

I am also having a really hard time with the whole "passing" issue. To me it IS the goal. If I can't look like a girl then I will not succeed. The people at the club are a little different because they are simply more accepting to start with. I met a really gorgeous 26 year old last night: long, straight black hair, glasses and a really cool skull tattoo on her chest. What I am finding is that most of the girls I meet including these new girls last night is that they do not see me as different. I try not to talk about my "issues" because I just want to be a regular girl. Last night I said that I was a little different from the other girls and she said "I see nothing different about you at all". She really did seem to be pretty accepting and sincere about it. It was really a nice feeling.

On to another issue: hormones. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any emotionally different after a month on Estradiol. Well this week I doubled it to 4mg a day and holy crap I cry at everything. My wife just called and we got into a big emotional discussion and I just could not stop sobbing. I know she is hurting too and that is really difficult for me to accept since I am the cause.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on here with no real thought process so I guess I will just end now.

thanks for listening