For some reason today I am in a good mood. I went shopping last night and spent way too much money. First I went to Ulta and got some really expensive makeup that I really love. I also bought some new shampoo and conditioner that worked really well. I love my hair today. I went out to eat by myself at Ruby Tuesday and got the salad bar as usual. The waitress was really nice and gave me a coupon that expired that day. Then I went to Kohl's and bought more clothes for work. I bought 3 blouses and a pair of pants. I got really brave and actually went into the women's fitting room to try the pants. There was one other person there but I just waited for her to leave. The pants are a little big but I need it that way for my fat gut. I am really happy with the blouses. I bought them for work but that might be wishful thinking at this point.

Anyway, just thought that I would share a good day instead of just complaining all the time. Thanks for listening.

So like I said in previous posts: "what now?". The kids know about me, my boss knows about me and now my therapist tells me that I have give the kids 6 - 9 months before I show them any changes. I don't think that I can wait much longer. Panic is starting to set in. I need to make this final change-over soon. I need to know if I can make it full time as a girl. My friends tell me that I am already making it successfully but I still need to go full time. This constant limbo is driving me crazy. I have destroyed my marriage, my kids want nothing to do with Michelle and I still do not get to just BE Michelle all the time. I am tired of waiting for things to change without me being allowed to change them.

Ok enough ranting, let's try a more positive spin here. Gaby keeps telling me to stop being so miserable so I guess I should listen to her. So I decided to go back to my old hairdresser since I found out that things are not very good between my brother and his wife (she had been the one doing my hair for the past few months). I called up the girl who used to cut my hair as bob. I went to see her Tuesday night and of course I went as Michelle. I was really nervous about walking in because I knew that people would look right at me as I walked in the door. After sitting in the car for about five minutes I finally got up the nerve. As I sat there, I had two girls leave and tell me that they loved my shoes. I could hear Krista talking to her last appointment and sat there about 10 minutes. She finally came over to the waiting area and looked right at me from about ten feet away. Of course she was looking for Bob and just turned right around to go back. I called out to her and she got this really confused look on her face. She looked at me again and started to walk toward me. She got a few steps closer and her face just lit up. She said "Ohhhhh this is why you wanted to talk after all this time" She was really supportive and kept telling me how good I looked. She was surprised but she was thrilled that I went back to her again. She loved my hair with the red color and it was a really good experience overall. She told me that they have a couple other trans clients but that I looked much more natural and comfortable. I now have an appointment with her in six weeks as Michelle. The whole experience made me really happy.

Maybe I really can survive as Michelle.

So things didn't go as bad as we thought they would. The girls are still not sure how to handle it but we need to give them a few days to let it sink in. My oldest is really quiet and not really talking to me. She says that this is something that will lose them their friends and they will be hurt by this. She is genuinely afraid for herself and her sisters. My middle daughter is not happy at all about it. She says she will never want to see me as Michelle. The whole idea is somehow disgusting to her. She is not really disgusted with me but she says that it is gross to her and she does not understand how anyone could try to change their gender. She is the one that scares me because I am deathly afraid that she may have some of the same feelings about being a girl. She is very much a tomboy / jock and I wonder if she just might have some of these same feelings. My youngest was the biggest shock of all. She started crying and ran off twice during our discussion. She kept crying and finally told me that she was upset because she and the girls are always telling me to cut my hair and now she feels bad about it. She also said that she is upset because "daddy can't be who he wants to be". She really surprised both of us.

Now my big question is: "what do I do now?" My wife says that things need to go slow with the girls. I am not going to force them to see me as Michelle. I am running into a wall right now. My friend at work tells me that she is sick of my issues. She says I cry all the time and I am more miserable than I was when there was no Michelle. She does not want to hear about it anymore. I guess she is right. Nothing seems to move forward and nothing changes.

So I got a couple of comments from my last blog and they both say that it is obvious that the whole Michelle thing is NOT working for me. While I greatly appreciate my life may seem completely irrational, the fact is that Michelle DOES work very well for me. The difficulty comes in switching back and forth all the time. I am happy as Michelle in lots of other places other than the club. While I realize that it is my one and only absolute safe place, I am totally comfortable in the real world. I really don't care about the odd looks I get because in the end I am the one who has to look in the mirror every day. The 2 or 3 second interactions that I may have with the non-believers out there are not enough to make Michelle go away.

Now the family is an entirely different matter. I still have a VERY strong connection to my wife and kids. I am struggling with the impact that I am having on them. I know that they are going to hate Michelle at first. They may never forgive me. It is this loss of connection that is driving me crazy. This is the major cause for all my wishy-washy flip-flopping feelings. If not for my family, Michelle would have been the major part of my daily life. It is just so hard now because I cannot just give up my family and walk away from all those responsibilities. Both my younger daughters play soccer now so that means being in 2 places at the same time. My wife cannot do that alone. Bob cannot just disappear because Michelle wants some face time.

This is where the real conflict lies. Both my therapists tell me that I AM Michelle. I am NOT male at my core. I am much happier and content with myself as Michelle. They tell me that this does not mean that Bob has to be killed off. This is where the real fear comes in. How do I switch gears and start living as Michelle without losing everything that Bob is? Bob has everything while Michelle has nothing except for a few good friends. People keep telling me that Michelle WILL gain all of those other things back but that it will take some time for the Bob life to adjust to Michelle.

Ok so now I'm not sure where is was going because I got interrupted by work so I guess that I will end here. Please continue to comment. I greatly appreciate and will publish any and all responses whether you agree with my decisions or not.

Love you all

Ok, so let me start off by saying that I am really, really physically tired all the time. I don't know what is wrong with me. All my friends tell me that I sleep way too much but no matter what I always feel physically drained and exhausted. I take Trazadone to help me stay asleep and it does work. It actually makes it very difficult to wake up in the morning but without it, my body just cannot relax enough to fall asleep. Being so tired is also making it very difficult for me emotionally. I had 2 major "episodes" last week where I called my friend crying and almost suicidal. My life is a mess and I am having a hard time moving forward. I hate feeling this way. My doctors seem to think that I am past the major depression and sometimes I think they are right but then these issues keep coming up and I just cannot see how my life will ever be any better. My wife is having health problems and I feel terrible for not being there for her. We are planning to tell my girls about me in 3 weeks and I am scared to death that I am making the wrong choice. I went to Best Buy as Michelle this week and actually had 3 sales people look at me and then turn the other way. What kind of life is that? I am totally comfortable at the club as Michelle, but that simply is not the real world. I JUST WANT TO FIT IN AND BE COMFORTABLE. AYYYGGGGGGGGGGGG, I am getting so frustrated just trying to put my thoughts into this blog. What the hell am I doing. What kind of life could I possible have as Michelle. No emotional attachments. No connections with the real world. Just this little fantasy life that I have in my head. Why can I not be happy as Bob???????? Why do I love strappy sandals and purple blouses that feel so nice. Why do I like my face so much better with make-up? Why why why???? Just go away! I am sick of feeling like such a non-person. I had a very real life with a wife who loved everything about Bob and I am just throwing it all away for some stupid fantasy.

Blah, blah, blah stop flip flopping back and forth. Michelle is fighting to survive. I made this choice so just live with it and go on with your life somehow.


I AM SO SICK OF THIS LIFE AND CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost forgot to make a post about my anniversary. June 11 was 52 weeks on Estrogen. I must say that I am really happy with the changes but I really want to move up to the next step and talk to my dr about progestin to see if my boobs can get bigger. I am really happy about my skin, especially my face. I am getting away with less makeup now that my pores are almost tiny and my skin is much softer now. The hair is still going really slow but I guess I should stop letting my sister-in-law "trim" it every time I color it. She always takes too much off in some spots and I really REALLY want it to be MUCH longer.

Not much else to talk about but I would like to ask for any advice on the hormones for breast growth. Right now I am still on spiro 100mg a day, finasteride 5mg a day and estrogen at 6mg a day. No other gel or progestin yet so I really would like to know what success others have had with them.

Ok time for bed. Thanks for taking the time to read my babble.