My first post this morning seems to have gotten a few reads already. I figure nobody would see if I added more so I will just start a new post now.

So to continue on with my night last night, I had a feeling that it was going to be a bad night and I was not disappointed. It started out ok because an older friend of mine who really likes me showed up. She was with a new friend and left by 11:30. Strike 1. The other girl that kissed me a few weeks ago also showed up and she brought her girlfriend. Strike 2. The night was decent until I realized that four of the people I had talked to were suddenly gone. Strike 3, I'm out of here. I was actually back home and in bed by 1:30. Really a short night for me. This really bothers me because I always make a special effort to find my friends and say goodbye and tell them how much I appreciate their being nice to me. I got extremely depressed because it feels like nobody cares anything about Michelle. Maybe it is just the hormones that are creating all this drama but I started crying at the club. One of the other girls I knew caught me and was really nice. I couldn't really tell her what was wrong because she was having her own guy issues and was also not having a very good night. I feel so pathetic because I never go to the club "with" anybody. None of these people are real friends. How is it that I am so alone and lonely in a crowd of people?

Kind of changing the subject a bit but I found out last night that a guy has been banned from the club because of me and a couple other people last Saturday. Last week, I was outside talking with one of my friends who had brought 2 new girls with her to the club. We were with another 2 girls who are always at the club and we were all talking. Then this guy comes up and starts talking to all of us. Just silly stuff but he managed to talk to each of us within about 3 minutes. Suddenly he turns to my other friend and says "this place is crazy. You can't tell the guys from the girls. I just realized I was talking to a guy!" (me). I asked my friend Caroline if she heard it and said I was done with this guy and was leaving. She said that she would slap him for me. Well it turns out that he also starting bashing on a couple of gay people at the club and they are just as well known as I am by the people running the place. They kicked him out and told him not to come back. I was surprised because I had 3 people ask me if I was ok after last week's "encounter" with this person. They were all concerned and told not to let it bother me. To be honest, I had not given it much thought but it is really nice to know that I do have people who will stand up for me.

Maybe there really are some real friends here after all?????

So I knew that my night out was going to be crappy. I just had a really bad feeling and I was really tired even after taking a 2 hour nap. It started out bad because my wife is sick again and really expected me to stay home and take care of her. I did the grocery shopping and cleaned up the kitchen cupboards. I shuffled my daughter back and forth to her friends / volleyball / cheer-leading / friends again. Around 2 o'clock I told my wife I wanted to leave. She got really upset since I was obviously choosing a night out over her. To be fair, she really is sick. She is a very strong person and went to work all week even though she has been sick since Tuesday. She is NOT a needy and whiny person by any means. I managed to leave the house at 2:30 and she called me within 3 minutes crying and telling me that she deserved to be treated better. I didn't even bother to respond and just turned around to go back home. It was still pretty ugly when I got there. I told her to go back to bed and that I would watch the girls until 6. The conversation did not go well and she ended up calling her mother to come out to the house to help her for the night. So once again I left her laying on the couch crying. Michelle has won the battle again? I feel totally drained and can't wait to hit the bed for a little nap. On the drive home I was so upset that I just wanted to get changed right away and be Michelle for the rest of the day. That changed when I sat down on the bed and realized just how tired I was. So I set the alarm for 6 and took a nap.

Still really tired but now focusing on my transformation into Michelle. I was pretty happy with my face but my hair came out sort of funny this time. It still worked but not really happy with it. I was really looking forward to going out because I have a few friends that go out every couple weeks and they were due to make an appearance.

Here are some more pictures from last night. Not really thrilled with any of them. I tried to take some of my face but I just cannot help but look miserable.


Still a lot more to talk about but I need to get cleaned up to go back to see my kids today. I will finish this post later.

It is Sunday morning and I have things to do so I must once again take off Michelle from last night and put her away. I went out last night and wore the dress I posted here. It seems to work for the girls which is what I want. I had at least 5 girls come up to me and ask about the dress. I was happy to talk to new people again. I really liked the way I looked last night too. I like to wear makeup and I think that I am getting pretty good at it. I was dressed by 5 o'clock yesterday so I went to the store to get my prescriptions and was a little annoyed because the pharmacist called me "Bob" when I was clearly not dressed as a Bob. Granted he did not know that I prefer Michelle but I was standing right there so he really did not have to mention a name at all. I was the only one there so I would have known he was talking to me. Still he was very non judgmental. I picked up Spironolactone and Estradiol and he knew exactly what they were for especially considering I was dressed as Michelle. DUH! It was still early when I got back so I went to the grocery store for some things. Each time I could tell that I was just kind of hanging out because I am really getting comfortable being out in public as Michelle. I used to feel like the world was looking at me but now I don't care.

I WANT TO BE MICHELLE AND NOBODY ELSE IS ANY BETTER THAN ME WHERE THEY CAN JUDGE MY LIFE!!! I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE THE REAL ME!

Sorry for yelling but this morning I am really depressed. I have been lazy and when I get home I don't take off my face until the morning. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see Michelle in the mirror. Yes, I know that Michelle is more than just makeup but I really prefer my face that way. It really surprises me how good it still looks on the morning. It just really hurts because I like my hair this way and my face just seems right like this. I took off one half of my face this morning and it really took an effort to take off the other half.

I am also getting really nervous and near the point of no return. My boobs are definitely starting to change. They really hurt all the time and my sister said that she noticed them yesterday when I was in "bob" mode. She said that they are definitely "pointy". I am happy and scared at the same time.

I am also having a really hard time with the whole "passing" issue. To me it IS the goal. If I can't look like a girl then I will not succeed. The people at the club are a little different because they are simply more accepting to start with. I met a really gorgeous 26 year old last night: long, straight black hair, glasses and a really cool skull tattoo on her chest. What I am finding is that most of the girls I meet including these new girls last night is that they do not see me as different. I try not to talk about my "issues" because I just want to be a regular girl. Last night I said that I was a little different from the other girls and she said "I see nothing different about you at all". She really did seem to be pretty accepting and sincere about it. It was really a nice feeling.

On to another issue: hormones. I thought it was odd that I did not feel any emotionally different after a month on Estradiol. Well this week I doubled it to 4mg a day and holy crap I cry at everything. My wife just called and we got into a big emotional discussion and I just could not stop sobbing. I know she is hurting too and that is really difficult for me to accept since I am the cause.

Well I feel like I am just rambling on here with no real thought process so I guess I will just end now.

thanks for listening

I kind of like this picture. Pose is better than most. Face is just ok. Very hard for me to smile in a way that I like in pictures. Maybe I will try again on Thursday night. It really bugs me because I have been obsessing about this all day. I got almost no work done today because this is making me so unhappy.

So this is one of the BETTER pictures from last night. Not very flattering to me.

Last night I decided to try some pictures. I went through all my summer club clothes and took a total of 70 pictures. I went through them all, deleted the blurry ones, cropped out all the background and ended up with 31 pictures that I thought were ok. I am really worried about showing them with my face since I cannot stop people from copying them off the blog. I went through them last night and again today and I really don't think that I look good at all. Maybe 1 or 2 look sort of like a girl but they are mostly just a guy in a dress. I am so depressed today. Maybe I should not have doubled my estrogen last night. Maybe I am just having a rush of something that is making me really sad today. My doctor tells me that I look better and better each week and yesterday she was really complimentary. I know that I take bad pictures but I can't find even 1 from last night that I think is worth posting.

Who am I kidding? Michelle is nothing but misery for me and everyone around me.

So I just found this new "stats" section for my blog and it seems that everybody is interested in pictures since the only picture I have on this blog has the most views of any page. I must admit that pictures are the first thing I look for too. Hopefully tomorrow night I will get a chance to show off all the new outfits that I have spent a fortune on this summer. I have lots of club clothes and I can finally show off my own hair instead of a wig. My friends all tell me that I dress a little slutty and that I dress to attract men rather than women but I am still learning and developing my own style. I wear what I like and hopefully some girls out there will like it too. Who cares what the guys think. Not me! I spend hours looking for dresses and skirts that nobody at the club has. I bought 1 corset top at hot topic and sure enough one of my friends has the same top. Oh well, we just make sure we never wear it on the same night out! Like I said in an older post, I need to stop shopping for a while. I think I have enough outfits and I hope I get to show them off soon.