Well I have not posted anything in a long time and I am not really sure what to talk about so maybe just some random thoughts tonight.

Things have been really confusing lately on the emotional front. My wife and I have started the divorce process and have decided that we will make the actual filing the first week of January. We have been to a mediator and it was very difficult. I am also having a very hard time because we have absolutely no emotional connection at all.

I am very lonely and I am starting to look for attention from the girls out at the club. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but I really miss the connection to another human being on a personal level. I cannot share any of my Michelle thoughts with my wife and I am desperate for affection and friendship for Michelle. The past few weeks at the club have been very interesting. I am actually having girls that are interested in me and have actually approached me in very personal ways. This past weekend I met a really cute girl who is closer to my age. Not quite my age but better than all the 22 year olds I have met recently. Neither one of us was drunk at all so I know there was at least a little real feeling from her. She does have a girlfriend but she was very nice to me. We talked for a few minutes and she told me that I was very cute and seemed like a very nice girl. Then she said "I really want to kiss you but I really like your lipstick and don't want to mess it up". I told her that it would not come off and she was suddenly very interested. "Really? are you sure? what kind is it?" Then she said "what would happen if I put my tongue in there?" and I said go ahead and find out. That was the best minute and a half I have had in a long time. I felt like a silly teenager but I did not care. She and I were attached for the rest of the night. We sat and talked, she rubbed my feet so nicely. I never really got around to asking her if she liked me for a girl or just because she knew I was a guy. She did tell me that she is bi but has a steady girlfriend. We went into the bathroom at the end of the night and I asked her why she was so nice to me. I told her that most girls are fairly cautious about me. She told me I was really cute and started kissing me again. It was really nice and I liked being kissed like a girl. It was not overly aggressive and slutty at all. Just really really comfortable and soft. She told me that she only goes out once in a while and I must admit that I was devastated. I know that I probably will not see her again any time soon but at least I have the memories from last Saturday night.

So many mixed feelings. I don't want to cheat on my wife. She asked me to wait at least until we file for the divorce before I get involved with anybody new. She knows that I have lots of opportunity because I go out every Saturday. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have but I really am all alone and I need some good friends who can help me through this transition. I am sure that there will be people out there who tell me to suck it up because this is the choice I am making.

My life is so confusing right now but I guess things are still moving forward. Today makes 5 full weeks on estrogen. I have already noticed some changes. I have another lesbian friend at the club and she is really struggling with the fact that that I still have male parts. She tells me I look like a girl, I act like a girl, I talk like a girl but I don't sound like a girl. She got all confused Saturday because she said "you have such soft skin for a guy and that just doesn't seem right". I can tell that she really wants me to be all "girl" but her head knows that there still is just enough "guy" in there to be a problem for her. She really is nice to me too. My real boobs have also been sore for a week now. Not really hurting but I definitely know when something rubs up against them.

Not much else to talk about. Tomorrow is Tuesday so I get another full day as Michelle. I have my shrink from 10 to 12, then the endocrinologist at 2 and then my my therapist at 6. Definitely lunch at Friendly's again. Still would be nice if I had someone to share lunch with but maybe sometime soon I will have some new friends outside the club.

So this Saturday I got brave and actually went out without my wig! I went to see my sister and sister-in-law to ask them if my hair would "work". They both said yes so that is how I went out. I found that if I just let it dry and pull it forward that it is really pretty curly and very feminine. A few of the people at the club did not recognize me with short hair but everybody said they really liked it better than wearing a wig. I guess that is good since everybody really likes my wig too.

On Tuesday, I get to spend the whole day as Michelle since I have 2 appointments every week. I take the day off from work and use up my vacation and personal days. I went to my therapist at 6 and she was really surprised at how I looked and she told me that I was much more natural with my own hair. I always go to see her dressed but she did a double take when I walked in this week. She knows that I have an obsession with long hair and was really happy that I was now comfortable with my own hair even though is relatively short for a girl.

I also went to the mall again and had lunch at Friendly's by myself. It would be nice if I could find some friends so that I am not always by myself as Michelle. Oh well, something I will just need to get used to doing. I know that this will be a lonely life at least for a little while.

Ok, not much else to talk about so bye for now!

Michelle is forcing her way out from under what is left of Bob. Tonight I asked my sister-in-law to trim my hair and get rid of the gray. I colored my hair for the first time in 44 years and I love it! Nothing silly, just a nice brown again that is now shiny and looks alive again. The gray was just so blah and really depressed me. She asked how much length to take off and I said NONE. Yes, I was asking the impossible but she managed to even it up so now I can scrunch it and leave it messy and it looks pretty close to a girl! I can still brush it back and get away with it for Bob. It is getting long now (my wife really hates it), just to my neck and is starting to curl out at the back. I can't wait for it to get longer. About another 2 years and it will be where I really want it. Just past my bra strap is perfect for me.

She also did my eyebrows for me again and this time I asked to make it more obvious and girly. It makes such a big difference in my whole face and it really was worth it.

I really need to stop spending money for a while too. I have bought a LOT of things the past 6 months. Right now I have 2 dresses and a pair of shoes on the way and 1 dress I got 2 weeks ago that I have not worn. I bought myself a real corset and I am so happy with it. I was afraid it would not work but it really does. I bought a size 26 when it is laced up completely closed and I can get it down to 28 inches for me, normally a fat 34 with a gut hanging out. SOMEBODY TAKE MY CREDIT CARD AWAY! I think Michelle is trying to make up for so much lost opportunity.

Ok so now on to a more serious subject. As of this Tuesday, I am officially on hormones! Yay (I think...?), Yes "Yay". Stop doubting what all the shrinks have told you and go with your heart. I have been on Spironolactone 200mg and Finasteride 5mg for almost 9 weeks now. On Tuesday, I started Estradiol 2mg. Hopefully I won't get too emotional since my depression is still very much an issue.

The other serious issue is the divorce. It still does not seem real to either of us since neither of us really wanted it to come to this. We are talking to lawyers and splitting things up. My wife is having a very difficult time and I have nothing I can offer her. Right now Michelle is a huge priority and she is devastated that she is no longer first in my life. I still love her but I really feel that she deserves to be set free.

Ok now my thoughts are kind of wandering and I don't really know how to finish so I guess I will quit for tonight.

Well, I have not posted for a while. Things are really kinda ugly right now. The week that my wife was gone seemed to be good with the kids until Sunday night when we were supposed to pick her up at the airport. On Friday, I told my kids that the entire house was a mess and that it would NOT look like that when their mother got home Sunday night. Of course Sunday came and then they were in a scramble because they refused to start earlier. Things were going well (sort of) until it got to 3:30 and there was still a pile of shoes under the kitchen table and a pile of clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I lost it and really started yelling so of course they all got really upset and later told their mother that I had been yelling at them for the entire 4 days. At least my youngest rescued me and said that it was only Sunday night when things got out of hand. Then it got worse because at 10 minutes to 4 I laid on the couch waiting for my oldest to get ready to go to the airport. Next thing I know, she is yelling at me because it is now 4:20 and I fell asleep. The plane lands at 4:37 and the airport is 25 minutes away. My wife was absolutely devastated when we were not standing there to greet her. All her friends families were there and I was 5 minutes late. That started a small argument between us and the kids got really upset again. Four good days shot to hell in the last 2 hours.

The rest of the week was ok but we had decided to tell the kids about our final decision to divorce this Sunday. That went real well (not).

Other things have changed this week too. On Wednesday I finally got a chance to tell my wife that I WOULD be starting hormones soon. The first thing she said was "I hate you". She didn't really mean it but she was just very hurt and angry. I have taken away the man that she married and she will never have that again. She is very upset that I will not cut my hair and really needs to know exactly what my plans are. The kids are embarrassed by me and she feels that I am ignoring their feelings about it. She says that I should suffer and wear a wig if I need to. Their feelings should come first but Michelle just always does whatever she wants and the rest of the family should deal with it.

So now on to the real difficulty. For whatever reason, I really want to start hormones. Not really sure what I will get from it and I am still afraid that I am just sliding down this hill instead of fixing the real issues. Both my wife and brother think that the real issue is the fact that I have never liked being "Bob". I know logically that there is nothing wrong with Bob, but there are definitely those issues there. I had a depression attack on Thursday and ended up in the private office at my meds doctor. She told me that I am definitely much more comfortable as Michelle than as Bob and that really scares me because I know it is true. I don't seem to like being the person that I am, but nobody else seems to like the person that I think I am.

So now I am depressed again and don't feel like talking anymore. Still a lot of other stuff to tell but maybe later I will feel up to it again.

Thank you Claire. I have been seeing a therapist for 6 years now. She specializes in trans and has been very helpful. I also went to a neutral therapist and right away she discovered my abandonment issues, my crappy childhood, my obsessive tendencies etc... My wife was excited because she finally thought that we could figure out the "real" issue. Believe me there are other issues at work here but it only took 4 months for this second therapist to label me as trans. Of course this was devastating for my wife. At this point, I am not looking for blame, fault or reasons.

I am just terrified that neither life can give me everything that I need.

I love my kids and my wife but Bob and Michelle can't seem to exist together. My wife insists that I am choosing Michelle over her and the life that we have built. Her therapist is constantly telling her that I have no choice being trans but I have all the choice in how I decide manage these feelings. It is completely up to me whether or not I can "put Michelle on the shelf and only take her out on occasion".

So today my wife has left for a trip to see family. She has taken the girls with her and they will be gone for 2 weeks. When they come back she is going on another short trip with one of her friends.

As of right now, when she comes back we will finalize our separation. I have told her that I am really hoping that some miracle happens and that I can let go of Michelle but we both know that is just not my reality right now. She cannot bear the agony any longer and we must "break ties" as she says. It hurts too much for her to see that Bob has completely disappeared. I think that she is right. She says that the person she married would not leave her over and over again. When did Bob die? What happened to the person who took care of his wife and kids and gave them the attention they need? I don't think that I really like Michelle anymore. I think she is a terrible person for making all this happen. Bob is even worse for letting it happen and not fighting back.

Over and over again my wife has correctly stated that I have never gone to my therapist and asked for help on returning to the family.

My youngest is having a really really hard time. She blames my wife and is taking it out on her because she is the one taking all the responsibility for the girls. I am "off doing my thing" while she is getting more and more of the backlash from my kids.

My wife thinks that our entire life has been a lie. She is afraid that I never really loved her I just needed her as a distraction from my real issues.

Right now I don't think that either Bob or Michelle is worth keeping. Maybe neither one of them ever really existed.

So I know that most of what I am doing now is very selfish. My therapist tells me that this is where I must be in order to fix myself, but my wife is having a very difficult time since it directly affects her and the kids. She understands it to a point but she had made it clear that she is very hurt and angry that Michelle is still the main focal point of my life. It has been this way for the past six years, since I told my wife and she can no longer accept the idea that she and the kids do not come first for everything. I will admit that she correctly puts the kids above all else. Kids, family, house,friends and then us. In that order, period. That is her priority. Michelle has taken way too much of my energy both emotionally and physically.

I am still extremely worried that Michelle is just a superficial and physical need rather than a truly emotional one. I know that there are a lot of really, really deep seated "feelings" that go along with the whole Michelle experience, but the physical issues are still very dominant. Even though I had 5 days almost full-time as Michelle, I really did have a hard time being comfortable as Bob since Thursday. On Friday, we took my youngest daughter to get her ears pierced. We had promised it to her for her birthday but she has been bugging us to do it early. I had a really hard time because I was extremely jealous of the other girls there and it was killing me that I could not simply focus on my daughter and her time. I have wanted to get mine done for the longest time but my wife is absolutely against it. She has actually commented that getting my ears pierced would just be the next boundary that I blow right through. It doesn't even make sense for me anyway because I always wear my hair forward and if I pull it back then my own hair shows under the wig that I love. Still, I could not help but look and wish that I could have some of the pretty things that I was seeing. I did not tell my wife my feelings because she would be really upset about my lack of attention to my daughter. But here again, I am stuck and obsessed by something physical and trivial.

I also am really worried because I am still obsessed with looking at the other pretty girls. I went out Saturday night and must admit that I was really happy with the way I looked. I am finally confident about my legs so I did not wear any stockings since I really wanted the ribbons on my new shoes to show up. I still do not "pass" perfectly, but I do not look like a guy in a dress. The club was really dead this weekend but there were 2 new girls that I had never seen before but lots of regulars at the club knew them. They absolutely fit into the Goth setting and I was absolutely devastated by the perfect, gorgeous girl image. She has beautiful long black hair, gorgeous face, simple black jeans and black t-shirt with a perfectly shaped girl body. Not real skinny and perfectly curved. I watched her talking with people and she seemed like a genuine and warm human being. Happy to talk with friends and interested in their lives. I finally got the courage and walked up to her and introduced myself. I said Hi, I'm Michelle and I really hope you don't think me too superficial but I just have to tell how gorgeous you look. She seemed genuinely appreciative and told me that I was really sweet for actually coming up to her. Now mind you, I told her this very quietly, so nobody else knew. It's not like the typical guy that walks up and says "damn you're hot" and wants to get into her pants. She said that she liked my outfit and shoes and that I looked really good too. I said I do ok and she said that I am just trying to be myself and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her that I really thought she was beautiful and then I left her alone to talk with her friends. What really made me sad was the fact that she seemed to have a great girl "essence" that I will never have. Everything about her is female both inside and out.

I had a similar experience at the July 4 parade on Sunday. I took the kids and I could not help but notice all the moms with their kids and their friends. There were a lot of really attractive, middle aged women and I was jealous of their friendly interactions when the found a friend in the crowd. It was different from the men who found their friends. I noticed the different emotional context of the women compared to the men and I was really wanting to be a part of that experience. What really scares me right now is the fact that I still am paying too much attention to the other women. I am afraid that even if I get to be Michelle all the time that I will still be obsessed with the perfection that no woman can ever obtain. I told my wife that I was laying on the blanket and that I noticed that I really liked the way my legs felt because they were really smooth from going out the night before. I noticed the cute dresses that many of the girls wore and how they did their hair. She really thinks that most of the physical things may fall into a fetish category. She says that no girl actually likes to shave their legs. It really is a pain and the feeling is not really worth paying attention to. The fact that I actually mentioned it may make it a fetish.

I can honestly also say that I really don't think that I have the "essence" of a real girl. I like the pretty things and I am really emotional about a lot of things but I just don't think that anyone will ever look at me and just think "girl". Not just in the physical sense, but in the total person. Being girl is about emotional attachment, the inner sense, the feelings behind the eyes and the warmth that comes from within.

What happens if I get to be Michelle like I think that I want but I can never just "be" Michelle because I am always stuck on the physical and cannot seem to just be content within a crowd of beautiful women.