I must say that I am truly scared out of my mind!!!!

Today I am back at work as Bob after 5 days almost full-time as Michelle. Something major has changed and I am really struggling to switch back to Bob. The past few days have been really great. I got my share of funny looks but I really don't care anymore. I was extremely happy with the way I looked, being able to wear the clothes I liked, the shoes, the way I think I walk in heels. I was extremely comfortable with everything about Michelle and it just felt so much like the right way for me to be.

I went to my doctor on Wednesday and they took blood as usual. Unfortunately, this time I had a severe reaction and almost passed out. I was sick for almost 20 minutes. But all that time my doctors were asking if I was OK. The best part is that they called me by Michelle every time and I realized as I was trying not to pass out that the simple fact of hearing my own name made me extremely happy. That whole time that I was puking and staggering, I heard "Michelle are your OK yet?" "Michelle sit down." "Michelle your vitals are stable again, just give it a few minutes and you will be ok". "Michelle, drink some water." I just cannot get over how that simple thing made me so happy and made me feel like a real human being. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, you ARE real, you DO exist outside your own fantasy world. It makes me cry just thinking about it now.

This is the third time that I have gone to this doctor as Michelle, but it was the first time that I met with the new doctor that has joined as part of the study that I am in. I have seen this other doctor 3 times and we get along great and she is very nice. Now I was sitting in the room right next to the open door and she walked by a few times and glanced at me. When she finally walked into the room, I looked up at her and she said "wow, you look different". She was a little flustered and realized that she forgot to bring my chart. She walked out and came back a minute later and put my book on the table. She looked at me again and smiled. I said "Sooooo...., you said wow, is that good or bad?". She grinned again and said "well they told me up front that you were here as Michelle and I thought I was ok with it." I said "and.... what does that mean?" She said "well you really surprised me because I wasn't expecting a pretty girl. Your makeup is better than a lot of girls and your eyes have such happy colors." By the way, I got my eyebrows waxed and it made a huge difference. Not quite a perfect girl brow, but definitely not a boring guy brow. I wore the purple/pink/magenta combination that I absolutely love to use. A pretty girl? Is she just being nice? I really think she was genuine. I could barely contain myself and told her that I would share anything she wanted to know.

She was extremely interested in everything about trans since she said that her culture does not accept it all. She was genuinely interested in the things that I am dealing with and was extremely nice to talk with.

So here I am, faced with the reality that Michelle can actually thrive and be very happy. Now how do I destroy 4 other people and the life that I have built as Bob?

I feel like throwing up and crying. I don't want to hurt the people I love but I really don't think that Michelle can be contained any longer.

One of us has to go and I am scared to death about it.

So the month of July is do or die for Michelle.

Anyway, I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday "off". Only 3 phone calls from work today - woo hoo. So I went out Saturday night and I bought yet another outfit from lip service. It is a short gunmetal grey vinyl dress with a little nurse cross on the shoulders. I get the XXL to fit my shoulders but then the bottom is not as form fitting as the dress is designed to be. It still looks fabulous. 3 girls at the club loved it and asked about it. I also got a new pair if 6" patent heels with a ribbon that ties across the top of the foot and then up around the ankle. I could not believe how easy it was to walk in them. My other shoes are 5" so not really a big difference. My feet were killing by the end of the night but it was SOOOOOOO worth it. I got home at 5 am.

Now it is Sunday and I got up around noon. The first thing I did was get fully dressed again. I called my brother who was producing another band on Sunday night. I asked if he needed any help or if I could just go to the show. Well I went as Michelle and wore my white shorts and a really cute purple/pink striped t-shirt. As luck would have it, the guy that he asked to work the door bailed. So guess who sat at the door collecting money and handing out tickets: Michelle!!! It was a really bad turnout. Only 26 people came to the show but it was really cool to be just a girl working for the show. And not just hiding in the dark with the stage hands but right out with EVERYBODY. I got some funny looks and a few of my friends from the club came too. By the way, this is NOT the same club that I go to on Saturday. This is more of a mainstream club with all different music and a different crowd but still Michelle was alive and well and had a great time.

Now on to today: Monday. I woke up around 5 am again and decided to throw in my laundry. Only 2 loads so not bad. The first thing I did again today was get fully dressed. Today I am on a mission. The flat sandals that I wore to the show last night actually cut 2 of my toes. So my goal was new shoes. I have been drooling over a $65 pair of red sandals on Zappos but just can't afford that for 1 pair. I almost did it. I actually had them in my shopping cart but then common sense won over.

Ok back to the mission: 1 new pair of flat shoes that I can work in, 1 pair of sandals that are pretty, 1 white camisole to wear under the new shirts that I bought, another of the striped t-shirts in green or blue, some underwear, a t-strap bra and then maybe some jewelry.

First stop: Kohl's. The flat shoes that were on the website were only up to size 8. So after about 15 minutes searching for something in size 10, I got lucky. A pair of red flats and black. 5 minutes to decide on the black. Then on the same aisle, a pair of white strappy 3" platform sandals - size 10! Another 10 minutes and I decided on both pairs in 9 1/2. I absolutely LOVE these sandals! Spent another hour searching for a camisole, bra and underwear. Underwear: 3 pairs bikini, size 7. Camisole: 1 reversible XL with lace trim. T-strap bra: no such luck unless you are a 34b - NOT. Off to the jewelry counter. Not much there but I did find a beautiful silver marcasite with a purple stone to match my other marcasite rings: awesome!

Now to pay for it all. The older lady at the register knew right away especially since I make no attempt to change my voice. She asked about my Kohl's charge and I told her I did not have it. So I handed her my license so she could look it up. She stopped for a second and almost said something but then she caught herself and said Oh that is you. Of course for some silly reason, this one time it did not work and she started calling people and the people behind were annoyed. She said I need your address, phone etc... so I said forget it and paid with another card. Success! I could not care less what any of those people thought. I not only survived but I thrived. I could not wait to change into my new shoes since I still had 1 more stop.

Off to Penney's for the striped shirt. Of course work calls so I am stuck in the car on the phone for 15 minutes. Find the shirt in the store. Really like the blue. These shirts are light at the top with horizontal stripes that fade to a darker color at the bottom. Tapered just right so the shoulder fits but stomach is not a tent. Then right next to that, a pair of really cute denim shorts: $12. Standing in line I think that the 8 year old girl was a little confused but the girl behind the counter was Ok. I am sure there was probably a comment after I left. Maybe not, who cares. Mission accomplished! But wait, I really LOVE these shoes. There must be something else to do. So I drove around the mall and went to Barnes and Noble. Wandered around for about 20 minutes. Not a single odd look anywhere! (at least that I saw). Nobody cared! I was just another girl in the crowd! I kept looking for the odd look but it just was not there. Now let's get really brave and walk through the mall. Went a little way and sat on the bench for about 10 minutes. It is 1 o'clock, I have not eaten at all today and there is Friendly's. So off I go. Ate lunch alone, the waitress was a little nervous, but again I thrived! Michelle just might be a real person after all.

The rest of the day was pretty quiet. The only thing left for today is my sister in law says she will fix my eyebrows for me. I really hate them. So off I go.

Sorry I have not posted anything lately. Work and home have been very busy the past few weeks and lots going on personally. I am in week 4 of a new clinical trial for depression. I am on Pristiq and some new mystery drug for MDD. I think that it may actually be working. My mood is improving. They take blood, weight,ecg almost every week. The new dr. is really nice. I have actually gone there twice as Michelle and her staff is very nice to me.

I have not gone out in the past few weeks because of family things. I have been obsessed with new clothes and I have more new things that I am dying to show. I have also been buying more every-day clothes since my wife and I have decided that the month of July is the final test of our separation. On August 1 I need to go home or we will formalize the separation and start to move on. Not really what I want but all our therapists tell us that my path is leading in one direction and Michelle is going to win no matter how hard I fight it.

Things are very different right now. Today I went to return 2 of the shirts that I bought yesterday. I wore my girl clothes and wore my guy sandals with my toes painted red and my hands painted dark blue. No make-up or anything else but I really felt like Michelle anyway. I got a few strange looks at McDonalds but something really cool happened at JcPennys. I went to return the shirt from yesterday and I went to the same counter in the store. There was a girl there working on some paperwork and she never stopped to look up at me. She was facing me but not quite paying attention. I was wearing a girl tank top, white with black stripes and my girl jeans. I know she saw my hands when I put the shirt on the counter. Still without looking directly at me she called to the girl behind me and said "can you come take care of her, I have to go". The other girl came around and looked at me and said nothing. She looked a little surprised but it was really a weird feeling.

Ok gotta run. I am at work

A special thank you to Claire. I tend to be fairly un-social and then I wonder why I have no friends. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate someone reaching out to me. So thank you Claire for caring enough to ask about me. It really means a lot.

I am NOT transgender! My wife and I are constantly battling because she says that I cannot accept what I am. She has no doubt that most of my issues are due to my female desires. There are other issues not related to gender, but she is certain that they have been made much worse because I have never been able to be the person that I really am. I still think that this is mostly a fetish but she insists that a fetish would not involve shaving my arms, chest and lower stomach. I still cannot get past her wanting to cut her hair either. Yes, I would give anything to have hair like hers but the fact is that I still want to be WITH a girl with long beautiful hair. It is what I REALLY like and for some strange (sick) reason that is what I am comfortable with. Long hair has a very personal meaning to me. I know it is wrong, but it is a part of me that I have never been able to change. The problem is that I really don't want to change it. I don't really care about boobs, butts or how much she weighs. Hair, face and personality: IN THAT ORDER. Now I am crying because I know how sick this really sounds. I hate being ME. My wife told me that she wants to cut off 2 inches again and I am devastated that she does not see her hair as beautiful as I do. Yes, that is wrong on so many levels and I really feel like throwing up right now. Can't somebody find a way to fix me, please??????????? I am going to a new shrink today to see what she can try for meds again. I am severely depressed and secretly wish that somebody would just shove me to the other side and MAKE me be Michelle. I am so weak as a person and I am really getting hopeless that there will be a good outcome. My wife says "just go be Michelle if that will make you happy". I really wish I could but I really am nothing without her emotionally. Don't bother to bash my wife. She has given me EVERYTHING she can and she deserves to be happy too. This is killing her just as much as me. That little fact just adds to my guilt because I know that I am the cause of most of her emotional pain. She is a wonderful, loving, loyal and devoted wife and friend and I won't even let her cut 2 inches off her hair.

Now I am crying again and I can hear my wife say "stop crying and just do whatever you need to do to fix yourself". She keeps saying that she would rather see me happier as Michelle rather than this miserable as Bob.

I don't think I can be happy as Michelle if it means giving up my wife.

It's been a few days since I posted anything but the past week has been really bad. The dis-connect from my wife is really getting to me. We have been talking a lot and I really think that she is right about me not being emotionally mature. We have both said that I have always taken care of her physically and she has always taken care of me emotionally. Right now I am struggling to survive because I really don't know who I am. She is absolutely convinced that Bob is gone forever and that a full transition is the only possible outcome for me. I joined the pinkessence site and have spent hours going through the profiles. It is really depressing because I feel that most of them really know exactly what they want. I am also really scared because I am finding so many girls that are really beautiful and it really bothers me that the only thing holding me back is the fact that I know that I will never look as good as they do. I know that is really shallow but I can't help how I feel about my physical presentation. I don't want to be a model or anything but I am crushed by the feeling that no matter what I do, I will never feel attractive. Don't bother telling me how superficial I am. I already know. That is my argument that I am NOT really a girl since a real girl would care more about the inside and the feelings. My wife gave me an article about a girl who transitioned at 26. Her main support came from her friends since her family abandoned her. I am afraid that I really don't even have girlfriends that could help me if I decide to transition. No matter what I do, it will be alone.