First off, before I start my usual nonsense, I would like to thank Claire for always looking out for me. Every once in a while she reaches out just to make sure that I am ok. Thank You claire

I know that my whining is getting very old but I just cannot seem to get out of this depression and just be happy with Michelle. I only get to be M part-time and I really hate the person that I am right now. I am barely keeping up at work, M has very little personal life, I am having nightmares all the time, I am always exhausted, I start crying all the time, my wife is miserable (rightly so), and on and on and on ........ Why can I not get over this stupid mood and just get on with life? All the people I associate with as M tell me that she is the "real" me and that is absolutely the right choice for me. They tell me how much better I seem whenever I am Michelle as opposed to Bob. The other day I had a DR. appt and was really upset because I wanted to be able to just drive back to work as Michelle as if everything was normal. Of course that is impossible. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it really does a lot.
I still really hate this half person that I am now. A terrible husband to my wife, my kids are not getting what they need from me and I am always miserable anyway. What good is Michelle doing for me? I was waiting to pick my daughter up at cheer last night and I started crying in the car because I realized just how different I was from all the other people sitting there waiting too. They go home and can hug/touch their spouse. They are genuinely interested in everything their kids do every day. They never seem to question "who" they really are. For me, "who" is a constant battle. My wife asked me "What happens when the kids can't call you dad any more?". They need a dad. They need somebody to be there for them emotionally to help them to grow up. I am not vary strong at all right now and they really need me. I must say that I am very happy because my kids are latching on to me again. All 3 of them have a definite emotional attachment that was lacking before. I just hope that I can keep it together long enough to survive the next year.
So this post seems to be all over the place with no real focus. Kind of like my life right now. Guess I should get back to work for while. Maybe I will post another video this Saturday before I go out.

Just another video with some random thoughts.

Well I want to talk a little bit about my hormone results. I am still on the same dose: 200mg spiro a day, 5 mg finasteride and 4mg estradiol. I am happy with my breast dev. so far. My wife admits that there is definitely a difference now. My sister saw me the other day and told me that they were really "sprouting" well. I need to stop wearing my fake breasts because the glue is causing blisters around the edges. Today I went and bought a new bra to try with my real breasts. They don't seem to make a 38A so I am trying a 36A. A little tight but it does work. I taped my breasts underneath to help pull them together and it works pretty well. There is a bit of padding but I can definitely feel it when I touch them now.
Not sure about the emotional issues really since I have been really depressed about my wife and the divorce. I have been crying a lot lately but I really think it is normal for what we are going through right now. I do find that I get pretty emotional when I watch other people but then I have always been fairly expressive when it comes to my feelings.
The one thing that is really bothering me is my strength. Holy crap do I feel weak now. I was helping my sister move some furniture this week and I really struggled. I was always relatively strong especially for my size but now I really think I know how girls feel about physical strain. I know there are a lot of strong women physically, but they must work really hard at it. It really is surprising how fast I have lost my physical strength. It has been 25 weeks on the testosterone blockers (spiro and finast) and 16 weeks on the estrogen.
The other thing that I really like is my skin. My hands are really soft now and my face is different too. I have girls at work noticing that my face is looking different. My eyes have changed a little and the skin looks pretty smooth even without electrolysis. Luckily I have a fairly light beard so it's not too bad. My face is definitely softer now and some of the lines in my forehead are smaller.
So far I am pretty happy with the results. I am going to ask if I should be upping the estrogen soon since I have heard that a lot of people are at 6 or 8 mg a day. My dr sent me for the routine blood work to check my testosterone and estrogen levels and to check for any liver problems. The only other thing that I worry about is my immune system. I seem to be having a lot of minor colds and sore throats even though I take a multivitamin every day.
My wife tells me that there is no going back now. She keeps telling me that there is no hope for us anymore since I have made so many physical changes. I really need to start looking in other places for girls that I could have a possible relationship with. There are a couple other bars where the girls hang out so I think that I will try my luck there and see it I get any girls that show some interest in me.

Sorry about the background noise. Still trying to get the video settings right.