For some reason today I am in a good mood. I went shopping last night and spent way too much money. First I went to Ulta and got some really expensive makeup that I really love. I also bought some new shampoo and conditioner that worked really well. I love my hair today. I went out to eat by myself at Ruby Tuesday and got the salad bar as usual. The waitress was really nice and gave me a coupon that expired that day. Then I went to Kohl's and bought more clothes for work. I bought 3 blouses and a pair of pants. I got really brave and actually went into the women's fitting room to try the pants. There was one other person there but I just waited for her to leave. The pants are a little big but I need it that way for my fat gut. I am really happy with the blouses. I bought them for work but that might be wishful thinking at this point.

Anyway, just thought that I would share a good day instead of just complaining all the time. Thanks for listening.

So like I said in previous posts: "what now?". The kids know about me, my boss knows about me and now my therapist tells me that I have give the kids 6 - 9 months before I show them any changes. I don't think that I can wait much longer. Panic is starting to set in. I need to make this final change-over soon. I need to know if I can make it full time as a girl. My friends tell me that I am already making it successfully but I still need to go full time. This constant limbo is driving me crazy. I have destroyed my marriage, my kids want nothing to do with Michelle and I still do not get to just BE Michelle all the time. I am tired of waiting for things to change without me being allowed to change them.

Ok enough ranting, let's try a more positive spin here. Gaby keeps telling me to stop being so miserable so I guess I should listen to her. So I decided to go back to my old hairdresser since I found out that things are not very good between my brother and his wife (she had been the one doing my hair for the past few months). I called up the girl who used to cut my hair as bob. I went to see her Tuesday night and of course I went as Michelle. I was really nervous about walking in because I knew that people would look right at me as I walked in the door. After sitting in the car for about five minutes I finally got up the nerve. As I sat there, I had two girls leave and tell me that they loved my shoes. I could hear Krista talking to her last appointment and sat there about 10 minutes. She finally came over to the waiting area and looked right at me from about ten feet away. Of course she was looking for Bob and just turned right around to go back. I called out to her and she got this really confused look on her face. She looked at me again and started to walk toward me. She got a few steps closer and her face just lit up. She said "Ohhhhh this is why you wanted to talk after all this time" She was really supportive and kept telling me how good I looked. She was surprised but she was thrilled that I went back to her again. She loved my hair with the red color and it was a really good experience overall. She told me that they have a couple other trans clients but that I looked much more natural and comfortable. I now have an appointment with her in six weeks as Michelle. The whole experience made me really happy.

Maybe I really can survive as Michelle.

So things didn't go as bad as we thought they would. The girls are still not sure how to handle it but we need to give them a few days to let it sink in. My oldest is really quiet and not really talking to me. She says that this is something that will lose them their friends and they will be hurt by this. She is genuinely afraid for herself and her sisters. My middle daughter is not happy at all about it. She says she will never want to see me as Michelle. The whole idea is somehow disgusting to her. She is not really disgusted with me but she says that it is gross to her and she does not understand how anyone could try to change their gender. She is the one that scares me because I am deathly afraid that she may have some of the same feelings about being a girl. She is very much a tomboy / jock and I wonder if she just might have some of these same feelings. My youngest was the biggest shock of all. She started crying and ran off twice during our discussion. She kept crying and finally told me that she was upset because she and the girls are always telling me to cut my hair and now she feels bad about it. She also said that she is upset because "daddy can't be who he wants to be". She really surprised both of us.

Now my big question is: "what do I do now?" My wife says that things need to go slow with the girls. I am not going to force them to see me as Michelle. I am running into a wall right now. My friend at work tells me that she is sick of my issues. She says I cry all the time and I am more miserable than I was when there was no Michelle. She does not want to hear about it anymore. I guess she is right. Nothing seems to move forward and nothing changes.